Warning: There will be a mention of the most disgusting swear word in this post.

I’ve spoke before about family problems I had been having with my auntie and my grandmother. Well, things have escalated and I know longer think of them as family.

An incident at Christmas has been twisted and my mum was the victim of countless numbers of emotional and verbal abuse from my aunt. After I write this she will never be called that again.

My other auntie surprised us yesterday with a visit from Ireland which was great because she’s great! And we had some other family members from Ireland going to visit my granny at her house. So my mum went down and was surprised to learn that one of my aunties friends was going to be there to meet these family members. My mum was obviously a bit set back because this particular friend was a part of the malicious gossip about my mum. So she did ask why she was going to be there, to which my aunt replied in the most childish manner ‘Because she’s our pal and she’s allowed if we say so.’ Then they started attacking my mum with all the gossip they had heard. (My mum was supposed to have said something about one of their friends. It’s untrue because this particular night I was next to my mum the whole time and she said nothing of the sort). My mum then left without seeing her family members who were visiting and came home.

She sat down and burst into tears and sat with the most hopeless expression on her face. I had enough. I called my aunt and asked her what had happened. And it was like talking to a sulking teenager. She blamed my mum for everything and started shouting, so I raised my voice at her which she didn’t like but I didn’t let up, I kept talking and made valid points over whatever rubbish she was talking. And then she said it. Or roared it down the phone like the big bully she is. “YOU FUCKING WEE CUNT!!” I had carried on talking before I realised that she had hung up on me.

I was shaking, I burst into tears. I’m still shaking now hours after it happened. I’ve never been spoken to like that in my entire life. Not even the people that bullied me for years shouted at me like that.

And now for the big laugh, my aunt then text my mum 30 minutes later saying the relatives had arrived and asked if she wanted to come down. We were absolutely dumbfounded. This was clearly all for show. This shows what a two faced bully she really is. We’ve also said for years that she has some psychological issues that really need to be treated and not just brushed under the carpet.

So that, ladies and gentlemen is why I am one less auntie down.  I now only have one and to be honest, she’s the best one. She’s fun, supportive and kind.

 

 

Never stay tied to family members who belittle and bully you.

I know I may be writing way too much right now and I’m sure no one is reading the entries that aren’t tagged so this is more like a therapy for me.

Something I need to vent about is people. People suck. People sucked when I was in a relationship and they suck now that I’m not in one.

I swear, when I got in a relationship I did stop talking to some people but it wasn’t just me. They stopped talking to me too. And now that I’m out of my relationship I tried reconnecting with these people only to find that they are so… dull. They cannot hold a conversation to save their lives. And multiple times this month when I’ve needed them they’re no where to be seen or heard from but as soon as they need me I’m there for them.

One friend needed advice about a girl he likes and who was coming around to his house so I gave advice and we laughed about a few things and it was fine. So I checked in the next day and I was sent the shortest reply ever. Like no conversation at all.

So to be completely honest, I know you’re supposed to keep your friends around when you get a S/O but I’m starting to realise that I haven’t missed anything. All the conversation and all the laughs I could possible ever want or need was right in front of me and now it’s gone.

I’ve been trying the past couple of months, since it all happened, to get in touch with people but they just don’t seem interested and it makes me feel bad. I wasn’t the only one to lose touch with them, they didn’t reach out to me either. So basically what I’ve been doing is reading books, going to the gym and spending the majority of my time with my cat. I literally can’t try any harder with people because I keep hitting a brick wall.

I guess that’s what it’s like to lose your best friend. No wonder I still talk to M. If I didn’t I’d probably lose the plot for real.

The only thing I can feel proud about is that I’ve managed all this stuff by myself. My confidence is growing and I’ve got a plan for losing weight which I will DEFINITELY stick to! I guess I’ve just got to learn how to be alone, I’m okay being alone, it’s better than being disappointed by people over and over again.

When I was about ten I asked my parents if they would play a board game with me but they didn’t seem interested so we didn’t play. Me and my brother had a few board games that were never played because no one wanted to play. Lately I’ve been thinking about that memory and how sad it is. I was a ten year old who just wanted my family to all come together and have fun playing a game but they didn’t want to.

Recently family life has got more and more stressful. Between my brother having autism and severe paranoia to my grandmother and auntie stabbing us all in the back over a dispute with a family friend, I’m feeling more and more isolated from people.

My grandmother and my auntie would always spoil my cousins because their dad wasn’t interested and left my other auntie a single mum. Even though they had everything they could ever want or need. Part of it was probably because they lived in Ireland and they didn’t see them much. But me and my brother would see them every Saturday and we weren’t met with such enthusiasm. I remember going shopping with my younger female cousin and my grandmother, she would always buy my cousin a toy and I didn’t get anything. I guess I didn’t really mind at the time because I had my own toys and didn’t need anymore but it would have been nice to be treated the same. Now with all us grown up, nothing has changed. All my cousins are still treated like the special ones and because my brother has autism and can be quite annoying, my grandmother and auntie don’t have much time for him.

And since my break up I haven’t had the freedom to leave every few weeks for 10 days to get away.  Me and M still talk every now and then but I can’t ask him if I can come and stay because I’m stressed at home, although I really wish I could. That’s part of why I’m so devastated that it didn’t work out. I was nearly gone. Nearly away from all the hostile family members but then it was taken away from me.

I worry for myself. For my own health and sanity and it makes me so upset that it’s my family that is the cause of most of it and there is literally no escape anymore. There’s nowhere I can go. No one I can stay with. I’m worried about what I might do if I can’t get out.

If you’ve not heard of 13 Reasons Why then you’re not on social media much.

I came across it when I logged onto Netflix one day and saw the thumbnail for it. I read the description and I was instantly intrigued and because it’s natural to watch a whole season in a couple of days, that’s exactly what I did. Unfortunately, it was only a couple of weeks after my break up and I was in a very depressive state so it wasn’t the best thing to watch. But now that I’m in a better place I feel better about writing about it.

So, as I said I watched it all within a matter of days and I cried through the whole last episode. I have never been able to relate to something more in my entire life. So many things that Hannah Baker went through, I’ve been in the same position, as a lot of people have I assume. And because of this, I didn’t feel completely alone. Others have gone through similar experiences and felt the same way I have. And most of us have survived it. But what about the others that haven’t?

I read somewhere and I wholeheartedly agree that it should be watched in schools. It needs to be recognised that a single word could set off a domino effect of chaos in someone’s life. The one thing you said to someone on maybe the worst day of their life could be the last straw for them. We need to start teaching young people that it’s not okay to spread rumours about someone. That we need to build each other up not tear each other down. Also, that teachers or guidance counsellors need to do more if a student is having signs of depression or anxiety.

When I was 10 I was having a really difficult time st school. It all started when my best friend started hanging about with the other girls and not talking to me as much. After that I had no one to talk to at school, I was completely alone. I started staying home more and if I had to go into school then I’d come home for lunch, which was handy because I didn’t stay too far away. Even then I tried to tell the teachers that I didn’t feel comfortable in school but they didn’t understand. This carried on into High School which was even worse. It was a bigger school, 10 times bigger than my other school and I had no one to talk to. I eventually left and went to another school with children like me but if I didn’t do that, would I still be here?

After watching the Netflix show I realised it was a book. And while I was away on my short break to Ireland to see my family and try to mend my broken heart (healing process is going okay if you’re wondering) I decided to buy the book. I’ve been reading books non stop since the break up and had them all lined up and 13 Reasons Why was the last one. (For now) And it frustrated me to no end. Hannah could have tried harder to get help, go to a doctor or something for help. I know how she felt though, like she couldn’t turn to anyone and she didn’t want to bother her parents because they were stressed with other things. Oh my god, I can understand that!

Anyway, I don’t want to ramble too much. If you haven’t read the book or watched the show on Netflix then I suggest you do.

Stay strong my bees x

 

I had a dream about him last night.

We were sleeping next to each other and I reached out for him and he cuddled my hand like he always did. And I really could feel him. His hair and his tshirt. His soft beard against my hand.

And then everything got dark. He was scared and then… he was gone. And it was like those scenes in Stranger Things where Joyce knows that Will is alive and she can feel his presence but can’t see him. And I prayed that the fairy lights on my wall would flicker just to tell me that he was there.

And then he was.

He was locked in some kind of basement and I could see him but he wasn’t in my house. We could communicate to each other. And he was in so much distress and he was crying. Frantically looking up trying to find my voice. Trying to find me.

Then he screamed and he was gone again.

And later in the dream I looked out of the window and there was thousands of stars in the sky and they were so bright. The brightest I’ve ever seen. And shooting stars too!

 

I made every wish for him.

I’ve been going over and over everything in my head lately. What could I have done better? What if I hadn’t done that or said this? And even though it is all true. The reason why it’s over isn’t just my fault. I mean, it’s no ones fault really but I want to explain how I felt sometimes during the relationship. I hope you take this into account…

I was always insecure. I always thought he could do better, after having looked at old conversations of ours this happened regularly at the beginning and then thinned out to every few months after that. It never really stopped. I never really woke up one day and thought ‘Wow, you have an amazing boyfriend who loves you and wants you in his life.’ And I’ve been thinking about why I never felt like that. And I’m not here to judge, because people love in different ways but there was a definite change in his behaviour after the first few months.

Now I know there’s the honeymoon period where you literally can’t take your hands off each other and then that fizzles out and the hard work starts. But I don’t think ours really ever started. I would always do cute things like leave cute notes in secret places before I left to travel back home and then text him to look where it was.

I’m not saying he was bad at the romance stuff. Any birthday/Christmas or valentines day gift was so well thought of. No one else would have thought to buy me a crystal growing kit that glows in the dark!! But nothing was spontaneous.

The first few months of our relationship we’d always go to the pub and see people. I loved it! Even though I loved spending time with him it was always great seeing other people. I spent my first Christmas with him that year and we went to a couples house near him for drinks that night. Their kids were about our age so we all had a laugh. But I had been drinking quite a lot that day and I was a bit worse for wear. When we got home I got in a panic thinking there was a girl in the flat. I looked in every room and I must have blacked out or blocked things from my memory because I don’t remember most of what I said or did. He was so upset the next day, I had completely ruined everything and I felt so ashamed beyond words. We talked and fixed it but I swore I would never drink like that again. I’m not a big drinker anyway but that must have been the problem.

After that I noticed whenever I went down that he didn’t want to go to the pub. He said he didn’t feel like it or was skint so I didn’t question straight away. I did ask him a few months later when we still weren’t going out if it was because of me and he gave me the same answer. But whenever I was back home he’d go to the pub. And he said it was because if he didn’t he’d be sat by himself in the flat and that when I was with him he didn’t feel the need to go out. I accepted what he said but it did always make me feel bad. I wanted to see people too.

The next thing I noticed was a lack of affection. A little hugging, barely any kissing or anything. I asked him what was wrong, he told me this had been brought up in every relationship he’d been in. He thought there was something wrong with him. He worked hard at giving me more affection which was so good of him. After that, it was sex. We’d spend three weeks apart and 10 days together and one time we only had sex 3 times. I know what some of you might be thinking, ‘I get less than that a week.’ But you might be together every week. We weren’t. This was an issue for me because everything else in our relationship was good but I knew if we lost the sex and intimacy part then we might as well just be friends. And I never felt confident enough. He’d never compliment my body or say ‘You’re hot’ so most of the time I felt like this big horrible thing. I know he wouldn’t have thought that because he loved my body but I kind of wanted to hear it for myself.

But those were my insecurities and he probably had reasons for all those times. And even though it’s a long shot I wanted to write this because I wanted him to see that there was things that bothered me too but I got over it and realised that we are such a good team and we can get through anything together … can’t we?

And he did put in so much effort in other ways, I’m not saying he didn’t. He’d always call me before, during and after work just to speak to me. Sometimes he’d be late for work because we’d be on Skype. And maybe that was the way he showed me he loved me and if it was then he loved me a lot.

And how I would fucking kill for him to tell me he loves me! We have our own issues and insecurities which led to our behaviour with each other no doubt but I love him.

I know if I was given a chance then things would be different. So different! And probably for the better. We’d see our friends and go out more, even to the park. And we’d talk. We’d talk a lot more than we normally did. And we’d put aside time in front of the computer to make love. We’d work on building trust on both sides. That’s what I would change. But would he be willing?

I love him so much it’s killing me everyday. Why is it when something is taken away from us do we then start appreciating it? Because we take it for granted. I took everything he did for me for granted because I wanted more from him.

Being apart has made me realise that I want to do things for myself. I want to see my friends more, take up a hobby, finally lose this damn weight and focus on being a better version of myself… But… I want him along side of me. I want him, all of him.

Boo? I don’t want to lose my Sailor Ripley…

 

To a quote a line from the Friends theme song; ‘I’ll be there for you.’

Well i must have been abducted by aliens or kidnapped by a travelling circus because my ‘best friend’ hasn’t seen me since my life took a nose dive into the seventh circle of hell.

Yes, i know people have their own lives and work and then have to find time to socialise somewhere in between.

It’s been nearly six weeks since everything happened and she was the first person i phoned. The only person i phoned to be honest. And she was in disbelief and saying how sad it was and if i wanted to hang out and watch bad movies then all i had to do was ask…

I’ve been asking. For the past six weeks. And she’s cancelled on me twice. Or asked to see her boyfriend instead of me.

My anxiety has been awful since everything changed. I was so confident before and now i’m like a dehydrated bee crawling on the ground and wishing someone would come to my aid… or squish me. I’m not fussed at this point. I had asked my friend if she would come to my part of the city, she lives on the other side and we usually meet in the middle, because i’m literally a mess when i get into town. It’s too busy and i start to panic whenever someone looks at me. I even said i would pay her bus fare, which i shouldn’t really have to do. Any friend would be like, ‘Nuh uh, i’ll be there. What time? What dress code? What planet?’ So why isn’t she doing that? 

Normally i would go into a complete rant here but i don’t have the energy. All i know is, if it was the other way around i would be more than accommodating.  You’d think she’d say to her boyfriend, ‘Listen, i’m not gonna see you this week cause i’m gonna go see my best friend. She needs me right now.’ But i guess life isn’t a fairy tale, as i found out this year.

The sad truth is; my best friend is him.

I can’t even call him what he is (ex boyfriend). Because i don’t think that sums up what he was to me. Or still is, i don’t really know. But he is, without a doubt, my best friend. He gives the best advice, we can talk about anything, we like the same TV shows, movies etc. And i guess that’s what makes this so hard. Because what if i can’t have that anymore? Understandably, the romantic relationship is over but i still want everything else.

And no wonder, since my other friend hasn’t even bothered to come and see me and doesn’t ask how i’m getting on.

I really hope i don’t spend too much longer in this depressive state of writing and things start turning around. I’ve had my fair share of grief this year and we’re only in May.

 

Aliens? Please abduct me. 

Are gut feelings real?

I remember once i was in line for an ATM and i had a gut feeling that i shouldn’t use it but i did anyway – It swallowed my card. So yeah, i guess little things like that happen but what if this isn’t an ATM i’m writing about, what if it’s a person?

I spoke briefly before about my break up but i didn’t talk about the thoughts i had while in the relationship. I had thoughts that we broke up but we were still so madly in love that we got back together. I had been having these thoughts the past few months before everything finally ended. So was my gut feeling trying to tell me that yeah, you’re gonna break up but don’t panic – he loves you and it’ll work out?

I know they say times a healer and you can’t really rush these things but i’ve tried many things to occupy my mind. I rejoined the gym, i started reading more books, i went on a short trip with my mum. I know it’s only been a month but can i just move on already? Can i look into getting the mind wipe thing from Eternal Sunshine? Or am i not meant to move on? I have this gut feeling that everything is going to work out for us. I know this is probably still the denial phase but trust me, i’ve accepted the break up. I know it had to happen because things had came to a point we couldn’t pass. I’ve been through every stage of grief and yet i still think there’s more to this. And yes, i did say it’s only been a month… i know you can’t move on from something in a month but i just don’t think i’m meant to.

I want him to be happy, that’s the most important thing. And if he can’t be happy with me… i mean it’ll hurt like hell but i’ll accept it. And i’m not saying we’re going to get back together this year, or next year. I just have this feeling that we are meant to be together. And my gut feeling is never wrong.

My issue was trust. Every guy i have ever liked or ever dated has always wanted someone better. I was never enough for any of them, not a single one. So when he came along i guess i couldn’t trust it. Plus we were long distance which made everything heightened. My anxiety about it all led me to look at his phone one day. I found nothing – of course i didn’t find anything because he’s the most good hearted soul there is. I came clean about it and this is where it got bad.

His issue was that he was in a mentally abusive relationship prior to meeting me. 4 months before meeting me to be exact. She was a horrible, nasty person who basically kept him on a leash. He thinks that she was constantly on his phone, because it was her phone before she gave it to him, and his facebook to check to see what he was doing. But he didn’t know for sure. He came away from that relationship with multiple anxiety disorders and into a relationship with me, who suffers from anxiety too. I had secured a job in the city he lives 5 days before he broke up with me. I was with him on the day i got the call about the interview, the day of the interview and on the same day i accepted the job. The next day i was coming back home so i left some of my things there since i was coming back anyway, or so i thought. He couldn’t tell me how he felt so instead of talking he let it build up and then spat it out on a skype call.

It ended horribly.

3 weeks later i went out with my mum and my auntie for some drinks where i was hit on by not one but TWO guys! That has never happened to me before… ever! I was so upset about it i text him asking if he wanted to work things out and unbelievably he said YES! He was busy with work the day we planned to talk so we waited for the next day. We had a great chat and a laugh about things and then i brought up about working things out – He thought i meant ‘working things out so we can move forward as friends’. My heart broke again. Because for a whole day i thought we could try and resolve it.

So, yeah, that’s my sad little tale. And even after all that, i have this feeling. And it’s just not the feeling but i want to work at things with him. I want us to battle things together, i know we need this time apart to work on ourselves but what if even after that we still want to be together? I know i would do it, obviously some things would be different but i know he’s stubborn and when he’s made a decision there’s no changing his mind.

 

I guess time will tell.

They say, “All good things come to those who wait.”

I waited.

But they also say, “All good things must come to an end.”

It ended… or did it?

Are things really over for good? Do things really come to an ending? People would say that, yes they do. When you die everything ends. Everything ends for you but not for the people that you left behind. And while i’m not talking about the death of a person, i am talking about the death of a relationship.

And yes, as i write this i am listening to sad songs to really bring out the depressive state that i’m pushing myself further into. Don’t worry though, i’m okay. And even if i wasn’t, i will be.

I want to write about him.

I know that a few people will be reading this and thinking that i will find love somewhere else because it always comes around. I know that it does. This isn’t about that.

Our relationship ended. It wasn’t bad. No one hurt the other person but obviously no relationship is perfect. We both had our fair share of emotional baggage and if it wasn’t for that i suppose everything would be fine.

If.

It’s only been a few weeks and we’re giving each other space, which is the hardest thing ever. No calls, texts, late night skype calls. Maybe never a friendly hug ever again, who knows. But the thing is, with me and him, our connection was so strong. If we had been friends when we were younger we would still be the best of friends now. That’s how close we are… were? We would sometimes talk about the “What if we broke up?” scenario and we agreed that we would both want to remain friends because we couldn’t imagine our lives without the other in it.

But.

Can people really stay friends after a break up? And if they can’t is it because the other person treated them so badly or is it because they know they’re meant to be together but they’re too afraid to try again?

Time away from him has made me see that he wasn’t perfect. And i wasn’t perfect. And we have some big issues of our own to sort out, separately. But there’s also things i want us to deal with together. I want us to grow together, i want us to become better versions of ourselves, i want to have all the good times and bad times together. I want us to stand together in front of every battle in life, hold hands and charge at it.

Together.

But that’s what i want and If he wants something else then us being Together might never happen.

But things are never really over. Because you think about it when you least expect it. You think about how things might have turned out if you had done something differently or never met someone. And you think that they never think about it. But i bet they do.

 

The End…?

This is a hard thing for me to write because my best friend has been my best friend for seven years now but unfortunately I need to vent.

Her boyfriend is a moron and she allows this behaviour.

Her and her boyfriend were friends for two years before they started going out. I was all for the union and was really excited for it to happen but when I heard that they first kissed… something didn’t feel right…

My gut instinct has always been spot on and I think most people would agree with me on this one; when something doesn’t feel right – listen to your gut. It wasn’t long before things started happening which confirmed my instinct was right. My friends boyfriend has had a small drinking problem since he was a teenager. Yeah, he might have just been like every other lad and had too many but he’s been in hospital a couple of times due to alcohol. Now, as an adult, he doesn’t drink nearly as much but since my friend knew about all this before dating him she doesn’t like it when he drinks too much.

So, to cut a long story short, over the past year that they’ve been dating he has caused problems because of his drinking. He’s not an alcoholic but he’s an annoyance when he’s had a drink and sometimes likes to involve everyone in his antics.

On a completely different note but still relevant to the story, a few weeks ago I was contacted by an old college friend. We hadn’t spoken in a year and a half so when he messaged me on facebook I was a little surprised but happy to catch up all the same. The conversation was going fine until he started to get a little flirty. Now, I know for a fact that this guy has a fetish and his fetish just so happens to be – tickling! He loves to tickle the ladies. Each to their own I say but unwanted attention is never okay. So he starts on about tickle torture and what not and I felt extremely uncomfortable but being as nice as I am I managed to leave the conversation hoping he wouldn’t contact me again – no such luck. So I mentioned my boyfriend a couple of times hoping this would jog his memory that I actually have one and this eventually made him stop contacting me. In conclusion, I don’t find this behaviour at all appropriate, I wouldn’t contact someone out of the blue and force the conversation onto my ‘well known’ fetish. Unwanted attention is wrong.

So obviously I told my best friend about this and she tried to make light of it but I didn’t find it funny. I was never close to this guy at college so I found it odd and harassing for him to message me in such a way.

Anyway, my friends boyfriend, who I knew and had became friends with before they started dating, contacted me a few nights ago to catch up. I thought this was fine since we hadn’t spoken in about 8 or so months. The conversation was going fine and was fairly normal but since it was late I went to bed. When I woke up in the morning he had replied to something I said but his next message read ‘Tickle torture ;)’. Straight away I felt sick and also angry. I took a screenshot of what he said and sent it to my friend and told her that it was fine she told him about what happened but that sending me that was not okay.

And finally we get onto why I am mad.

My friend was completely apologetic! She was frantic you would even say. She had been talking to her boyfriend about his drinking and was annoyed because she finally thought he was being mature. She was even so concerned that I would fall out with her because of what he said. I assured her that I would never but that I couldn’t be bothered with his behaviour anymore, and by that I meant hearing about it from her every time we went for lunch. Her boyfriend then sends me a ‘less than heartfelt’ apology and this is when her mood changes.

She actually starts defending him! Saying that he’s just a random guy who says and does weird things and that it’s all part of the package!

I felt sick all day.

Now, I’m not some horrible person and I didn’t want her to be mad at her boyfriend all day but she only lasted an hour. After frantic apologising to defending his actions, I genuinely couldn’t believe it. I’m not going to stay mad at her forever but it genuinely hurt that she was so scared she was going to lose me as a friend one minute to defending her boyfriend and excusing his actions the next.

If you’ve made it this far, I thank you. I just really needed to get all that off my chest.

 

Much love and have fun 🙂 x