Archives for category: Weight

There’s been a news article going about now for the past few months about a woman and her boyfriend who enjoy the feeder and feedee relationship. As much as I don’t have a problem with people acting on their desires I wanted to write about my own experience with it.

After leaving college I started working in a café/bar. I was depressed with extremely low self esteem and no confidence. But then I met this guy who was really cute. He was always up at the bar but I didn’t serve him until I was left to handle the place by myself for a few minutes, that’s when we first spoke. It was the open mic night at the bar and I head him sing and play guitar, which was just my type at the time. To my complete shock he gave me a little note with his name and number on it before he left with his friends that night. I felt amazing! I hadn’t had a boyfriend for a few years and no guy had shown interest in me in that time.

We spoke and met up a couple of weeks later for our first date which was really fun. We met up again that weekend for a fun day out too. I think after this point is when he first made his intentions clear in what he liked and didn’t like. He told me that he liked bigger girls, being a big girl myself with no confidence and convinced that no guy would ever want to touch me, this revelation was very flattering, which now when I think about it, wasn’t such a good thing.

The night we first slept together he forced these small sweets into mouth. He was laying on top of me and didn’t stop when I forced my mouth shut and shook my head to say no. He eventually stopped, thank god. Even during sex he kept asking me if I’d put on weight and how much weight I would put on for him. It was extremely uncomfortable but being very naïve and young I just went along with it. We met up a couple of times afterwards but he eventually ended it. Shortly after me he moved onto another very naïve girl, or so I heard through the grapevine. Due to being with him it made me join sites that were very ‘big girl’ accepting and I met creep after creep but I carried on with it because I was miserable and I wanted a guy to like me for who I am.

And now I have an amazing boyfriend who has said he’ll love me no matter what size I am. I guess the moral of this blog post is, do what makes you happy. If you are a girl and you enjoy the feeder/feedee relationship then great! Enjoy yourself! But if you’ve started dating a guy who enjoys it and you’re not sure and you’re doing things for his benefit and to make him happy instead of yourself then be careful. I know it’s a silly saying but…

It will happen when you least expect it.

Whatever the ‘It’ may be.

 

Much love and have fun 🙂 x

I’ve not always been fat, at least I didn’t think so until I saw photos of my younger self recently and I realised I was definitely a lot chubbier than most kids. But I wasn’t unhealthy or inactive. I was always running about and playing outside with friends. Playing games, rollerblading, going to the park, riding my bike etc. If I did ever eat unhealthily it was with the £1 I was given by my mum to go to the shops.

When I was ten things started to change in school. I had one best friend at school but no one at my school lived nearby so I had different friends at home. When I was ten my best friend started to change and she wanted to hang about with the other girls and talk about boys and make up and girly things. I was very much a tomboy and I liked films and playing games but they didn’t. Because I lost my best friend I just followed the other girls about. They would walk in a line next to one another and I would trail behind. It was absolutely awful. And because of this I started missing school. I hated it. I didn’t mind the work because I was quite a smart kid but feeling invisible every day made me feel sick. The teachers didn’t really care. I tried to explain to them how I felt and they didn’t understand or even try to help me out. This obviously followed me into High school.

With every year I got bigger because people were making fun of me and I was spending too much time on my own. We also moved house a year later and instead of being ignored I was thrown to lions because where we moved to was full of people who loved to make fun of my size and shout at me from moving cars calling me ‘Fat’. Like I didn’t already know…

Despite all this I made great new friends and even got myself my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. But I was getting bigger all the time. I was taken to dieticians and people in hospitals who made me feel terrible about my size. All this while still not going to school and getting home schooled once a week. The whole time I didn’t even know but I had depression. I self harmed and I cried all the time but I wasn’t given any help. If anything, I was a pain and people didn’t have time for me.

Skipping to the age of 23 and things are pretty much the same. I’m extremely overweight even having dropped 3 stone. I had lost 4 stone 5 but put some back on. I’m currently at slimming world but my weight has been so up and down the past year I don’t think it’s helping and at £5 a week I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. After speaking to my boyfriend and my mum I’ve decided that I’m going to ask the doctor for help. I don’t want surgery or a gastric band or any of that rubbish, I just want help. I want someone to write me out a plan to give me structure and routine and to tell me what I can and can’t eat on certain days. If only I could pay someone to live in my house and tell me to get my shoes on cause we’re going out for a walk. One can dream.

I tried so hard before dieting to be ‘body positive’ and it just didn’t work for me since I don’t like my body. I couldn’t lie to myself no matter how hard I tried. I envy the girls that can do it. I loved the idea of it but the more I saw these girls photos and even spoke to some of them, I realised that I wasn’t happy. When I walk down the street the girl I see inside my head and what I think others see isn’t what I look like right now. But I know one day it will be.

I think I’ve just reached that age where I want this weight off now. I want to be able to look at myself and actually like what I see instead of trying to be optimistic. I want to go into a clothes store and try things on without wanting to burst into tears. I want to, at some point, start a family and actually be fit enough to look after them. I would love to play with my children and run about with them instead of being the unfit parent who sits on the bench and watches.

I know it will be a long road and considering my age, it’ll be pretty much up and down from now on and I’m willing to live with that. I just want a massive chunk of weight off my body and I’ll decide what to do from there.

Thanks to anyone who has read this.

Much love and have fun 🙂 x