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I haven’t wrote in a while because i lost quite a lot of motivation for it. But i thought i would give it another go since i’ve been struggling lately.

I haven’t spoken to my ex for a full 3 weeks now. Which is the longest we’ve gone without talking since we met. The last time we spoke it seemed that he was saying that i wasn’t helping his mental state by calling him, and i would agree that it was too much, so i stopped contacting him completely. I did however call and leave a voicemail a few days ago to tell him that my next door neighbour died suddenly and tragically. I’m fairly sure he had met her but i wasn’t sure but it was such a shock i thought i’d let him know because it affected me personally. She was 78 and she got hit by a bus and died two days later. We’re all still in shock and we’re now very worried about her husband because he’s got cancer and is going through chemo. Luckily, he has family to help him and we’re always there if he needs us.

It was at no surprise to me that my ex didn’t even text me to tell me he was sorry or that it was awful what had happened. But it did anger me. I am however trying to be respectful of the fact that he needs to get on with his life and i need to get on with mine. But he promised me a lot of things after we broke up. That if we didn’t talk for a couple of weeks he would email me to see how i was, that if he was ever near my hometown he would maybe pop by – He was in fact, according to his sisters facebook. Nice little shock that was to see. Another photo of him. He has it easy, he’s not on facebook. He doesn’t get that horrible sinking feeling if he sees a recent photo of me. I hate to say it but – he’s a liar. He lied about a lot of things and he’s a good liar, he told me that himself. He lied about his health, about taking medication, about his feelings and now he’s lied to me again. But yet, he’s still the love of my life. And even though i have felt physically attracted to a couple of guys since we broke up, falling for another guy is simply out of the question. So he’s basically ruined my immediate future and maybe even any future romantic relationships.

Although, i have been doing kind of okay. I go to the gym 3/4 times a week and kill it on the cross trainer up to 50 minutes, sometimes an hour. And since i started losing weight again i’ve lost 1 stone 7lbs. But am i any happier? No. I can be happy when the situation calls for it but i’m not happy with my life, because he left it.

And the worst thing is, and i know it may sound pathetic but, it’s my birthday next week. I turn 25. And the thing i’m dreading the most is not waking up to a ‘happy birthday’ from him. Or a birthday skype call. Or a card. Or the fun quirky things he would get me. I won’t even get a text. I normally don’t ask for anything for my birthday anymore because there’s never anything i want that much. But do you know the one thing i want most in the world for my 25th birthday? I want to hear from him. Even if it’s just a text saying ‘happy birthday’. But i know, deep down in my heart, that he wont send anything. Or that he’ll have forgot about it. And that kills me more than anything.

 

So, how’s life going? It’s going okay but it could be better.

People say time is a healer. Well, if that’s the case can i have my money back? Or can someone speed up the process for me?

The end of this month will be the 4th month since my ex ended things with me. And as much as everything else in my life, apart from a couple of things, are working even better than before, i’m still sad. Not all day every day but every single day i wake up and he’s the first thing i think about. And he’s the last thing i think about at night. I’m really not torturing myself, trust me. I really can’t help it.

I’ve been working really hard at the gym and my body is starting to shape itself in a way that i like so i’m feeling super positive about that. I’ve started talking to more people… kind of. Might just be empty conversation but at least it’s real life human beings. I’m more confident when i go out now which is also amazing since a couple of months ago i was scared to leave the house by myself. And even though things are getting better, i’m still utterly heart broken.

I’ve tried thinking back to a time where i felt worse or things were harder and i can, don’t get me wrong, but none of those times felt as bad as this. I just genuinely feel like a part of my soul is missing. I mean, i’m even crying while writing this, that’s how hard it is. I see people online or on TV shows talking about their ex partners and they always say all these nasty things or make jokes about them but i can’t talk about him like that. Because even though he wasn’t perfect – he was perfect for me. We had met online and the first time i saw his face in his little photo this feeling just washed over me, like a literally wave and i knew from that moment that he was The One. Laugh all you want but i’ve never had that feeling before, and that’s not to say i won’t have it again. But honestly, i think you only ever get one ‘The One’. I’m sure a guy will come along eventually but he’ll probably be like half a one. Three quarters at the most.

I haven’t spoken to him in over a week. I had asked him to block my number so i wouldn’t be tempted to text him because the desire to was too much. And even though he said he wasn’t, some times he was ignoring me. One time really but it was for two weeks. I had called and left a voicemail a couple of times, i had a really bad week. And even though i spoke to other friends i wanted to speak to him. But i’ve had no response. Which i know is for the best.

I had asked him if he could ever see himself being with me again and he said no. I expected it but i just couldn’t believe him. I have, however, took that as the truth because there’s anything else i can do. But i just feel like he’s put up a massive wall. He doesn’t want to get hurt and i reckon people would talk him out of it if he even considered getting back together with me. I just have a feeling and i’m learning to trust those feelings.

All i can do now is keep moving forward and get on with life. And maybe we’ll meet up some way down the road.

 

I really hope so.

I’ve had an eventful week to say the least. It’s also probably been the longest and most emotionally draining week I’ve had for a while. Let’s start with the good shall we?

GOOD – Always start with something positive i suppose. This week i went to the gym 3 times, burning at least 1,000 calories each time and went for long walks on the days in between. I’ve been feeling a lot fitter and can definitely see a change in myself. Especially in my legs since i use the bike and treadmill every time i go. I also went into town and bought myself a new top, which looked really good on me.

And i did the unthinkable and went into town with my friend and did a bit of day drinking. It was a positive thing for me because i haven’t done it in well over a year so i was really proud of myself. Unfortunately, my closest friend couldn’t make it so i feel like i couldn’t really enjoy myself as i’m not as close with my other friend. But i still enjoyed it all the same.

 

BAD – Okay, here we go. On the 11th it would have been me and my ex boyfriends 2 year anniversary, if we had stayed together. That day i was in town so i was occupied but it still upset me. I thought about how we might have spent it. In our new wee flat, cuddled on the couch… maybe watching a film. It made me sad because it was a day i was looking forward to the most this year because it would have been our first one together properly living in the same place. But life is funny i guess. Yesterday was a hard day. We spoke on the phone and i explained that i’m struggling with the break up despite doing and having positive changes. I told him i still loved him and he said nothing back to me. Of course it annoyed me but i can’t be mad if he feels different now. I asked him out right if he wanted to be with me again at any point and he said no. It didn’t hurt as much as i thought, i don’t know why. I guess i still think he’s trying to be strong and not say anything to lead me on, i think he does feel the same way. I had asked him to block my number because i can’t handle the fact that sometimes when i contact him he ignores me for days. The conversation ended badly and dramatically. I told him he’d regret saying he didn’t want to be with me and i told him to have a nice life. I regretted it. I asked my mum to text him to ask if he could contact me because i hate leaving things with people on a sour note. He said he would call today… and he hasn’t.

I can’t carry on like this. I put a lot of effort into people and i get nothing back in return. I never thought he would be on that list of people but he is now.

 

LONELY – I was so lonely tonight i went onto an internet chat room. Not for dating or anything, just for talking to people. I lasted 10 minutes. I clicked exit when a guy asked ‘ What kind of guys are you into?’. The Answer? My ex boyfriend, please. I always talk about feeling lonely and feeling like i don’t connect with anyone anymore and it’s still true. I’m fucking miserable. I feel like Rose in Titanic when she tells Jack of feeling like she’s standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of her lungs and no one even looks up. Also, my cousins wifes brother died suddenly the other day. He took a heroin overdose. I didn’t know him personally and had never met him but i was friends with him on facebook. It was lovely to see people posting on his facebook and talking so positively about him and sharing heart warming photos. But it got me thinking, if i disappeared, would anyone care? Obviously people would but i would hate the fakeness of it all. People who knew me for a year and didn’t think i was good enough to stay in touch with talking about that one night out we were out together which resulted in us being facebook friends but never speaking again.

I guess i should be thankful. I’m still here and i’m alive but i do genuinely feel like i’m dead inside. A part of me died when my ex said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. The only person i’ve had such a strong connection with doesn’t even want me around.

 

And to be honest, i’d rather not be here.

Do you miss me?

Do you miss the way we kissed?

Do you miss all the times we spent laughing?

Do you miss the pinky promise we’d do? Not for actual promises but just as a sign of affection  as we sat next to each other.

Do you miss our cuddles as soon as we got into bed?

Do you miss saying something in another room and hearing my wee voice reply?

Do you miss me calling you Boo and Bunny?

Do you miss making a joint and being able to pass it to me as we watched TV?

Do you miss me singing along to the radio while making food in the kitchen?

Do you miss me saying ‘I love you’ after we’ve had sex?

Do you miss my reactions to a new TV show you told me about?

Do you miss coming home after work and talking to me on the phone before bed?

Do you miss us playing video games and being impressed by how good I actually was?

Do you miss the comedy blanket?

Do you miss our private jokes?

Do you miss the way I’d gently stroke your chest hair after making love?

Do you miss calling me Bee?

Do you miss my reactions to seeing cute animals?

Do you miss us?

 

Or was all that blocked out of your head by my insecurities?

I trusted you 100%. I just didn’t like myself very much and I projected that onto you by commenting on other girls looking at you. Because I thought you’d want to be with someone confident. And as your behaviour changed towards me I became more anxious of what was going on. I prayed that you were cheating on me just so I could say that I was right. I didn’t want to accept the fact that you changed because of my self esteem issues.

I still love you.

Do you still love me?

I’m writing more and more lately because I feel it’s my only outlet. If I didn’t do this then I would spend the majority of my days not saying how I felt and talking to myself in my room. I still live at home with my parents and my brother but I can’t really talk to them. My dad wouldn’t understand, my mum listens but her problems always seem worse and my brother just wouldn’t have the patience or understanding. So, WordPress, you’re all I’ve got.

As much as my confidence is growing more every week, it’s not always as simple as it seems. For the past 9 days I’ve cried. I’ve sat in my room by myself and I’ve cried. Sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes for as long as an hour. And yes, I have people around me, so why do I feel so alone? Because I do. I’ve spoken many times before about reaching out to people so I can actually talk to another human being but that hasn’t got me anywhere. I was feeling particularly lonely last night so I messaged a few people. One was online and avoided looking at my message, the second didn’t say very much and I got the vibe that they couldn’t be bothered but the third thankfully text me back and we chatted for about an hour but not about anything of interest.

I only really have two friends. One of them hasn’t said much to me lately and the other one will only tag me in memes on Facebook unless they want to talk about themselves. I wish making friends was as easy as it was when you were four. And the sad thing is that 9 times out of 10 I have to be the one to reach out to people. And no one is checking up on me. I’ve gone from having a great support system (my ex) to falling through a vast and endless black hole of loneliness. And even though I’m struggling I still haven’t given up yet, so I guess you can say I’m strong? In the past I would have been back on dating sites by now and talking to a different guy every week trying to fill the emptiness in my soul with something or anything but I’ve chosen not to do that. Doing that only made me feel worse than better but as I sit here feeling I have no real connection with anyone anymore it is tempting.

Ive also been very unwell lately and it’s been dragging me down. Constant visits to the doctors surgery the past couple of months. Soon to be sent to the hospital for tests to find out what’s going on and do you know what the funny thing is? I really don’t care anymore. I don’t really care what else this year has to throw at me because it can’t get any worse, not in my head anyway. I’ve had to fight against everything that’s been shoved in my way and I’m still here.

I guess I’ll keep on going…

So today was a small breakthrough for me…

I woke up and my mums cold had gotten worse and I already knew before she said it that she wouldn’t be going to the gym. So I went BY MYSELF!!

I say small breakthrough because I was able to do this by myself before Christmas but obviously because life took a little tumble recently I didn’t think I could do it. I got the bus down and went straight in. 12 minutes on the bike and 18 minutes on the treadmill. I can even run on the treadmill for a little bit. I do short bursts until I burn about 5 calories and then I walk for 10 calories.

Ill be weighing myself next week to see if I’ve lost any weight this month. Even if I haven’t I know I’ve done something right cause my body looks a lot better than It did a couple of months ago. I even went shopping after the gym too! My confidence is really growing and the meditation and relaxation techniques that I’m doing every day is really helping.

The true challenge to my new found confidence will be a night out next month. It won’t be anything big but my cousin will be here and she’s like a size 10 and gorgeous but hey, if she’s with me then no one will be looking at me when they’re too busy looking at her! Hopefully I’ll have more weight off by that point and feeling much better than I am now.

 

Sending good vibes to everyone!

It’s a new low when you’re sat watching Big Brother and you start crying because you realise how lonely you are.

And boy, am I lonely!

It’s weird going from talking to the same person a few times a day every day to absolutely nothing. It’s a strange adjustment. One that I’m still not completely comfortable with. And no offense but… other people just aren’t as fun to talk to. Seriously.

I’ve reached out to people and tried to have a conversation with them and it’s like hitting my head against a brick wall… repeatedly. Even my closest friend isn’t saying much to me lately. And my other friend can be pretty tiring. So my choices are, be annoyed or be alone.

Things with my family aren’t any better. Things are stressful at home and problems with other family members has made me really depressed. They don’t put much effort in to keeping in touch with us.. and they live in the same street!

Truly, the only person that I feel connected to and happy after speaking to is Him. Our conversations just flow so easily and he just gets me… he always did.

But that’s the sad thing isn’t it? We can’t always have what makes us happy.

I hope things pick up soon. It’s draining to feel so disappointed in people all the time.

But in the mean time I’ll continue to better myself and meditate often to clear my head.

 

Here’s to staying strong!

 

 

Nearly 3 months later and I still sometimes cry myself to sleep.

This is the worst I’ve ever felt.

Will the pain ever go away?

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was cry.

I had a dream last night that me and M had been making love and it was amazing. And when I woke up I realised that I can never experience that again so I started to cry.

I never thought I’d feel like this. Guys in the past were easy to get over but maybe that’s because I would start talking to a different guy a few weeks later. I’ve not done that. A friend of mine said to me ‘You need to find someone who will treat you like a princess!’ And I thought; no. What I had was good for me. We both treated each other and that’s what I liked about it.

But here we are. On month 3 of post break up and I still think about him every god damn day. He called me the other day to let me know that his phone hadn’t been working for a while, I had tried to phone him but he didn’t answer so I assumed he was ignoring me, and we had a great talk. And after we hung up I was so happy for the rest of the night. But it shouldn’t be that way, should it? You should hang up and be exactly the same before you answered the call.

I don’t know how he’s feeling and I suspect that I never will. But the feelings I have for him are ridiculously strong. And I am trying my hardest here. I focus on myself, I see my friends more, I’m a lot healthier. I’ve even tried fantasising about other guys but nope… doesn’t work. He’s always there.

Unrequited love?

I did something incredible yesterday. Maybe it wouldn’t be to some but to me it was everything! I had lost so much confidence the last couple of months and I’ve been clawing my way back to being confident.

I’ve been going to the gym 3 times a week and going out for walks on the days in between. And yesterday I finally felt confident enough to… go into town! My mum came with me because there was a shop we wanted to go to. On my way to said shop there was a dip in the pavement and naturally I went over on my ankle, which I always do, and gracefully crashed into a bus stop pole! Luckily it was there or I would have fell flat on my face. All this happened in front of a couple standing outside a shop, which would have embarrassed me but I just laughed it off.

Afterwards, I was going to meet my friend for lunch. And the pub we were meeting in got busier and busier as the day went on but I didn’t let it affect me. And even afterwards crossing the road to my bus stop, I ran for my bus before it drove off. I RAN FOR MY BUS IN TOWN FULL OF PEOPLE! Where has this side of me been hiding?

I’ve been feeling much better lately because I’ve been eating less and working out. I’ve also been reading up on relaxation and meditation techniques. I take a few minutes a day to just sit in silence and shut my eyes and concentrate on breathing. It really helps to clear my head, especially if I’m stressed. Seeing my friends more is also helping. Even if it’s just texting them. It’s nice to know that there is other people in my life who still care about me.

All in all, I’m slowly getting back to normal and maybe even better than before.

 

Just remember to breathe.