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Yup.. the title pretty much says it all. I finally did it. I had warned doctors that I was feeling severely depressed and suicidal and the only advice they gave me was ‘Take one extra tablet at night’… How about a handful?

Now when I think back on it, I can see the signs. My depression was weird. Like, I could get up and go to the gym and have a normal functioning day until the evening time and then it was like a switch had been turned on and I would sink really low. That has been my normal routine for a while now but the day I overdosed was different. I didn’t want to go to the gym and I woke up with an ‘I don’t care’ attitude. I felt helpless and hopeless all day. That morning my mum tried to get me a doctor’s appointment but I found out that my usual doctor was on holiday for two weeks. I tried to distract myself as much as possible. Even reading for two hours but the bad memories and thoughts kept creeping in. And ‘friends’ were a bit blunt with me and it all built up.

I didn’t take enough to kill myself and I knew that. I know you’d have to take at least 20+ tablets to be hospitalised but I took enough to be really sick and for an ambulance to be called. Spent 5 hours in the emergency room and had blood tests done. Everything was fine. It was a ‘cry for help’ as the doctor told me and I agree… but again the advice I was given was ‘keep taking your tablets’. Okay thanks.

The next day at home was different. My brother, who is usually never helpful, did some shopping and took the rubbish out. I even got a text from my auntie, who I’ve not seen or spoken to for about 4 months, saying she’s thinking of me. But cut to now. Today. 3 days later. And everything is back to normal. My brother is back to his aggressive self and my own grandmother hasn’t even bothered to get off her arse and walk the five minutes to our house to see me. 2 of my ‘friends’ who I told about it haven’t even asked me since if I’m doing okay. And I know people have their own problems but I would be asking them if they’re okay but no.. so I’ve decided to cut them out. They weren’t proper friends anyway.

And now I don’t know what to do. I did it because everything was getting on top of me and I couldn’t breathe but it’s other people that are making me feel this way. And I don’t have anywhere to go to be by myself. And yeah.. maybe being by myself would be bad but even if I was in hospital or some place for patients with mental health then maybe it would make my family see that I can’t survive living like this and it’ll make them sort themselves out.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’m trying to get better by going to ccounselling and the gym but if I’m coming home to a hostile environment then all my work is for nothing. I know no one is going to come and save me. I need to save me… but I don’t think it’s enough.

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I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently and the idea is becoming more and more appealing. This year has been the worst of my life so far and we’ve only got 3 months left of it and it’s not getting any better.

I recently told a friend all about it and she asked if it was all to do with my break up and i said no. Because it’s the truth. That is just a tiny fraction of the reason why.

There has been on going family problems for a long time now with my auntie and granny. And recently my auntie has been putting a lot of the blame on me now and i can’t quite take it. She’s a truly disgusting human being though, who i don’t wish to be associated with even if things do get worked out.

The other is my big brother. He has autism and anger issues which is difficult to deal with never mind live with. And i have the pleasure of being his sister for life. I know that sounds horrible but i don’t think it’s something i can deal with for the rest of my life.

I’ve been working really hard on myself since the break up. I do feel i am more confident and i’m able to go out more and see my friends. I’m also working my ass off (not quite literally cause it’s massive) at the gym but yet, my head is so full of horrible thoughts that i can’t get them to stop.

It used to be when i felt bad and was at my lowest i would think about self harming, i would cut my arm but now those thoughts have been replaced with taking a handful of pills. And that’s whats scared me. I’m skipping straight to the final stage. And honestly, i think about doing it every day. Even the days that i’m busy and doing something productive, i think about it.

I feel like everyone has picked this year to gang up on me and push me to my limits. And i do honestly feel at some point very soon, i’m going to get there. I’m going to take an overdose, i might not die because i don’t think i would take enough pills to die and i read somewhere that most people don’t die because they end up being sick. They just pass out. But i want to be close. I want people to see that i’m being serious when i say my mental health is bad. I want people to realise that if they carry on with the way they behave they are going to lose me for real. And most importantly, i want to be somewhere else. I want to be in a hospital where people can take care of me and i can try and get better away from everyone and everything that stresses me out. And the only way i can end up in such a place… is if i try to kill myself.

So i guess we’ll see what happens.

I know that i’m a caring person. Too caring perhaps… And i tend to give people a lot of chances and i usually end up disappointed but i’ve decided to give my ex boyfriend his last chance to decide if he wants me in his life at all.

He promised me when we broke up that we would stay friends, easier for us because we were long distance, so friends being – emailing from time to time or the odd phone call chat. Admittedly, the first few months after the break up, i did not handle it well. And i tried to stay in contact with him in fear of losing him altogether, this obviously was not a healthy thing to do and the last time we spoke he expressed those feelings to me. So it has now been just over 5 weeks since we last spoke. I sent him an email a week ago asking how he had been – i got no response. The other day, i felt like everyone was ignoring me. I was left on ‘read’ by quite a lot of people so obviously i got upset so i sent him my last and final email… depending on if he decides he wants me to be in his life at all.

I was very nice about it and i just asked where we stood on keeping in touch with each other. I said it would be good if he could let me know but if not… well, i guess that’s the answer. I ended it by saying i hope he and his family were doing okay. I’ve decided that if i get no response from him then i will most definitely be done with him, in all aspects. If he tries to contact me at all in the future he will receive no response from me. He was worried after we broke up. He said after him and his ex broke up he never heard her voice again and told me that he didn’t want that with me. Understandably, my actions after the break up may have pushed him to ignore me, another thing he swore he would never do, but i believe i have changed a lot since then.

It’s something that i will struggle to do because he is, unfortunately, the love of my life. I know what you’re thinking, ‘You haven’t met anyone else yet, how do you know?’ And the only thing i can say is, ‘when you know, you know’. And i still stand by it. But i’ll no longer put him on a pedestal. If he can’t give me a straight yes or no answer then he doesn’t deserve me to be in his life in any shape or form and i’ll disappear for good.

I just hope he doesn’t regret his decision – whatever he chooses.

“When was the last time you were happy?”

That’s what the doctor asked me last week when i saw him. I couldn’t answer, it’s been too long. Don’t get me wrong, i can have a laugh and enjoy myself but i haven’t been truly happy in a while. Last time i was i was with M. Sometimes i’d be sad or be depressed but i was truly happy with him. And relationships are no picnic so you can’t be happy all day every day. But that’s the last time i was happy.

I was put on new anti-depressants and given diazepam to help with my anxiety. I think i made my doctor sad because i told him that i didn’t feel people were taking my mental health seriously because i hadn’t attempted suicide yet. So many doctors and nurses have asked me that question, “Have you tried to kill youself”, i always answer ‘no’, then they ask “Why haven’t you tried?”. Almost like they’re egging you on to do it. And when i explain that i’m scared of death and dying you can see them breathe a sigh of relief cause you think that i’ll never do it and send me on my way. Not always the case as my doctor told me. He had a patient or knew one that would constantly say she was going to kill herself… until they day she finally did it. And i’m worried that i’ll get to that point, i nearly did a few days ago.

I’ve spoke about on going family issues with my Auntie and my granny and they kind of came to a head the other day when my cousin decided to message me and complain about it and pushed it too far. She made a facebook group chat with us all in it, i left immediately and so did my auntie. I was so stressed that night that i held my tablets in my hand and contemplated taking a handful, that’s the closest i’ve ever came to doing it. But luckily i was strong enough and talked myself out of it, but it’s getting easier and easier for my thoughts to go there now. The following day my mum wrote a message in the group chat about why we haven’t been talking to them, my granny had nothing to say but my Auntie did. All she could do was say nasty things about us all and call us names. She’s 56 years old and she’s the biggest child and bully i’ve ever met in my life.

It came to a point where me and mum agreed that we didn’t want a relationship anymore with my auntie, because she’s incredibly hostile and she was making me mentally sick with the way she twists things to suit herself. We sent this privately to my granny. My mum then text my granny and told her that we’d take her out for lunch this week since we had the car, my dad usually takes it to wherever he’s working but he couldn’t because of no parking, so my granny didn’t have to walk far. She asked if Thursday was okay and she seemed quite enthusiastic about it. Cut to today and my mum got a text while we were at the gym and my granny has cancelled because she’s not feeling up to it. She always does this, she can’t be bothered doing anything if it involves moving slightly. But we looked online and saw she had seen the message we sent about not wanting to be in contact with my auntie. She saw it last night when family friends usually come down. One of these friends has caused a lot of problems for my mum and my granny and auntie have shown their friend more loyalty, partly why we all fell out. And so now me and mum think that she’s said something, along with my auntie, and my granny has changed her mind.

The only thing i’m so thankful for right now is two of my closest friends. I was worried when me and M broke up because i had drifted away from them but now we’re all closer than ever before and talk regularly. I don’t know if the family problems will ever be sorted while my auntie is constantly bullying us. She lives with my granny so she’s obviously twisting her arm. But i’m glad i wrote all this out, it’s a good relief.

I haven’t wrote in a while because i lost quite a lot of motivation for it. But i thought i would give it another go since i’ve been struggling lately.

I haven’t spoken to my ex for a full 3 weeks now. Which is the longest we’ve gone without talking since we met. The last time we spoke it seemed that he was saying that i wasn’t helping his mental state by calling him, and i would agree that it was too much, so i stopped contacting him completely. I did however call and leave a voicemail a few days ago to tell him that my next door neighbour died suddenly and tragically. I’m fairly sure he had met her but i wasn’t sure but it was such a shock i thought i’d let him know because it affected me personally. She was 78 and she got hit by a bus and died two days later. We’re all still in shock and we’re now very worried about her husband because he’s got cancer and is going through chemo. Luckily, he has family to help him and we’re always there if he needs us.

It was at no surprise to me that my ex didn’t even text me to tell me he was sorry or that it was awful what had happened. But it did anger me. I am however trying to be respectful of the fact that he needs to get on with his life and i need to get on with mine. But he promised me a lot of things after we broke up. That if we didn’t talk for a couple of weeks he would email me to see how i was, that if he was ever near my hometown he would maybe pop by – He was in fact, according to his sisters facebook. Nice little shock that was to see. Another photo of him. He has it easy, he’s not on facebook. He doesn’t get that horrible sinking feeling if he sees a recent photo of me. I hate to say it but – he’s a liar. He lied about a lot of things and he’s a good liar, he told me that himself. He lied about his health, about taking medication, about his feelings and now he’s lied to me again. But yet, he’s still the love of my life. And even though i have felt physically attracted to a couple of guys since we broke up, falling for another guy is simply out of the question. So he’s basically ruined my immediate future and maybe even any future romantic relationships.

Although, i have been doing kind of okay. I go to the gym 3/4 times a week and kill it on the cross trainer up to 50 minutes, sometimes an hour. And since i started losing weight again i’ve lost 1 stone 7lbs. But am i any happier? No. I can be happy when the situation calls for it but i’m not happy with my life, because he left it.

And the worst thing is, and i know it may sound pathetic but, it’s my birthday next week. I turn 25. And the thing i’m dreading the most is not waking up to a ‘happy birthday’ from him. Or a birthday skype call. Or a card. Or the fun quirky things he would get me. I won’t even get a text. I normally don’t ask for anything for my birthday anymore because there’s never anything i want that much. But do you know the one thing i want most in the world for my 25th birthday? I want to hear from him. Even if it’s just a text saying ‘happy birthday’. But i know, deep down in my heart, that he wont send anything. Or that he’ll have forgot about it. And that kills me more than anything.

 

So, how’s life going? It’s going okay but it could be better.

People say time is a healer. Well, if that’s the case can i have my money back? Or can someone speed up the process for me?

The end of this month will be the 4th month since my ex ended things with me. And as much as everything else in my life, apart from a couple of things, are working even better than before, i’m still sad. Not all day every day but every single day i wake up and he’s the first thing i think about. And he’s the last thing i think about at night. I’m really not torturing myself, trust me. I really can’t help it.

I’ve been working really hard at the gym and my body is starting to shape itself in a way that i like so i’m feeling super positive about that. I’ve started talking to more people… kind of. Might just be empty conversation but at least it’s real life human beings. I’m more confident when i go out now which is also amazing since a couple of months ago i was scared to leave the house by myself. And even though things are getting better, i’m still utterly heart broken.

I’ve tried thinking back to a time where i felt worse or things were harder and i can, don’t get me wrong, but none of those times felt as bad as this. I just genuinely feel like a part of my soul is missing. I mean, i’m even crying while writing this, that’s how hard it is. I see people online or on TV shows talking about their ex partners and they always say all these nasty things or make jokes about them but i can’t talk about him like that. Because even though he wasn’t perfect – he was perfect for me. We had met online and the first time i saw his face in his little photo this feeling just washed over me, like a literally wave and i knew from that moment that he was The One. Laugh all you want but i’ve never had that feeling before, and that’s not to say i won’t have it again. But honestly, i think you only ever get one ‘The One’. I’m sure a guy will come along eventually but he’ll probably be like half a one. Three quarters at the most.

I haven’t spoken to him in over a week. I had asked him to block my number so i wouldn’t be tempted to text him because the desire to was too much. And even though he said he wasn’t, some times he was ignoring me. One time really but it was for two weeks. I had called and left a voicemail a couple of times, i had a really bad week. And even though i spoke to other friends i wanted to speak to him. But i’ve had no response. Which i know is for the best.

I had asked him if he could ever see himself being with me again and he said no. I expected it but i just couldn’t believe him. I have, however, took that as the truth because there’s anything else i can do. But i just feel like he’s put up a massive wall. He doesn’t want to get hurt and i reckon people would talk him out of it if he even considered getting back together with me. I just have a feeling and i’m learning to trust those feelings.

All i can do now is keep moving forward and get on with life. And maybe we’ll meet up some way down the road.

 

I really hope so.

I’ve had an eventful week to say the least. It’s also probably been the longest and most emotionally draining week I’ve had for a while. Let’s start with the good shall we?

GOOD – Always start with something positive i suppose. This week i went to the gym 3 times, burning at least 1,000 calories each time and went for long walks on the days in between. I’ve been feeling a lot fitter and can definitely see a change in myself. Especially in my legs since i use the bike and treadmill every time i go. I also went into town and bought myself a new top, which looked really good on me.

And i did the unthinkable and went into town with my friend and did a bit of day drinking. It was a positive thing for me because i haven’t done it in well over a year so i was really proud of myself. Unfortunately, my closest friend couldn’t make it so i feel like i couldn’t really enjoy myself as i’m not as close with my other friend. But i still enjoyed it all the same.

 

BAD – Okay, here we go. On the 11th it would have been me and my ex boyfriends 2 year anniversary, if we had stayed together. That day i was in town so i was occupied but it still upset me. I thought about how we might have spent it. In our new wee flat, cuddled on the couch… maybe watching a film. It made me sad because it was a day i was looking forward to the most this year because it would have been our first one together properly living in the same place. But life is funny i guess. Yesterday was a hard day. We spoke on the phone and i explained that i’m struggling with the break up despite doing and having positive changes. I told him i still loved him and he said nothing back to me. Of course it annoyed me but i can’t be mad if he feels different now. I asked him out right if he wanted to be with me again at any point and he said no. It didn’t hurt as much as i thought, i don’t know why. I guess i still think he’s trying to be strong and not say anything to lead me on, i think he does feel the same way. I had asked him to block my number because i can’t handle the fact that sometimes when i contact him he ignores me for days. The conversation ended badly and dramatically. I told him he’d regret saying he didn’t want to be with me and i told him to have a nice life. I regretted it. I asked my mum to text him to ask if he could contact me because i hate leaving things with people on a sour note. He said he would call today… and he hasn’t.

I can’t carry on like this. I put a lot of effort into people and i get nothing back in return. I never thought he would be on that list of people but he is now.

 

LONELY – I was so lonely tonight i went onto an internet chat room. Not for dating or anything, just for talking to people. I lasted 10 minutes. I clicked exit when a guy asked ‘ What kind of guys are you into?’. The Answer? My ex boyfriend, please. I always talk about feeling lonely and feeling like i don’t connect with anyone anymore and it’s still true. I’m fucking miserable. I feel like Rose in Titanic when she tells Jack of feeling like she’s standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of her lungs and no one even looks up. Also, my cousins wifes brother died suddenly the other day. He took a heroin overdose. I didn’t know him personally and had never met him but i was friends with him on facebook. It was lovely to see people posting on his facebook and talking so positively about him and sharing heart warming photos. But it got me thinking, if i disappeared, would anyone care? Obviously people would but i would hate the fakeness of it all. People who knew me for a year and didn’t think i was good enough to stay in touch with talking about that one night out we were out together which resulted in us being facebook friends but never speaking again.

I guess i should be thankful. I’m still here and i’m alive but i do genuinely feel like i’m dead inside. A part of me died when my ex said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. The only person i’ve had such a strong connection with doesn’t even want me around.

 

And to be honest, i’d rather not be here.

Do you miss me?

Do you miss the way we kissed?

Do you miss all the times we spent laughing?

Do you miss the pinky promise we’d do? Not for actual promises but just as a sign of affection  as we sat next to each other.

Do you miss our cuddles as soon as we got into bed?

Do you miss saying something in another room and hearing my wee voice reply?

Do you miss me calling you Boo and Bunny?

Do you miss making a joint and being able to pass it to me as we watched TV?

Do you miss me singing along to the radio while making food in the kitchen?

Do you miss me saying ‘I love you’ after we’ve had sex?

Do you miss my reactions to a new TV show you told me about?

Do you miss coming home after work and talking to me on the phone before bed?

Do you miss us playing video games and being impressed by how good I actually was?

Do you miss the comedy blanket?

Do you miss our private jokes?

Do you miss the way I’d gently stroke your chest hair after making love?

Do you miss calling me Bee?

Do you miss my reactions to seeing cute animals?

Do you miss us?

 

Or was all that blocked out of your head by my insecurities?

I trusted you 100%. I just didn’t like myself very much and I projected that onto you by commenting on other girls looking at you. Because I thought you’d want to be with someone confident. And as your behaviour changed towards me I became more anxious of what was going on. I prayed that you were cheating on me just so I could say that I was right. I didn’t want to accept the fact that you changed because of my self esteem issues.

I still love you.

Do you still love me?

I’m writing more and more lately because I feel it’s my only outlet. If I didn’t do this then I would spend the majority of my days not saying how I felt and talking to myself in my room. I still live at home with my parents and my brother but I can’t really talk to them. My dad wouldn’t understand, my mum listens but her problems always seem worse and my brother just wouldn’t have the patience or understanding. So, WordPress, you’re all I’ve got.

As much as my confidence is growing more every week, it’s not always as simple as it seems. For the past 9 days I’ve cried. I’ve sat in my room by myself and I’ve cried. Sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes for as long as an hour. And yes, I have people around me, so why do I feel so alone? Because I do. I’ve spoken many times before about reaching out to people so I can actually talk to another human being but that hasn’t got me anywhere. I was feeling particularly lonely last night so I messaged a few people. One was online and avoided looking at my message, the second didn’t say very much and I got the vibe that they couldn’t be bothered but the third thankfully text me back and we chatted for about an hour but not about anything of interest.

I only really have two friends. One of them hasn’t said much to me lately and the other one will only tag me in memes on Facebook unless they want to talk about themselves. I wish making friends was as easy as it was when you were four. And the sad thing is that 9 times out of 10 I have to be the one to reach out to people. And no one is checking up on me. I’ve gone from having a great support system (my ex) to falling through a vast and endless black hole of loneliness. And even though I’m struggling I still haven’t given up yet, so I guess you can say I’m strong? In the past I would have been back on dating sites by now and talking to a different guy every week trying to fill the emptiness in my soul with something or anything but I’ve chosen not to do that. Doing that only made me feel worse than better but as I sit here feeling I have no real connection with anyone anymore it is tempting.

Ive also been very unwell lately and it’s been dragging me down. Constant visits to the doctors surgery the past couple of months. Soon to be sent to the hospital for tests to find out what’s going on and do you know what the funny thing is? I really don’t care anymore. I don’t really care what else this year has to throw at me because it can’t get any worse, not in my head anyway. I’ve had to fight against everything that’s been shoved in my way and I’m still here.

I guess I’ll keep on going…

So today was a small breakthrough for me…

I woke up and my mums cold had gotten worse and I already knew before she said it that she wouldn’t be going to the gym. So I went BY MYSELF!!

I say small breakthrough because I was able to do this by myself before Christmas but obviously because life took a little tumble recently I didn’t think I could do it. I got the bus down and went straight in. 12 minutes on the bike and 18 minutes on the treadmill. I can even run on the treadmill for a little bit. I do short bursts until I burn about 5 calories and then I walk for 10 calories.

Ill be weighing myself next week to see if I’ve lost any weight this month. Even if I haven’t I know I’ve done something right cause my body looks a lot better than It did a couple of months ago. I even went shopping after the gym too! My confidence is really growing and the meditation and relaxation techniques that I’m doing every day is really helping.

The true challenge to my new found confidence will be a night out next month. It won’t be anything big but my cousin will be here and she’s like a size 10 and gorgeous but hey, if she’s with me then no one will be looking at me when they’re too busy looking at her! Hopefully I’ll have more weight off by that point and feeling much better than I am now.

 

Sending good vibes to everyone!