Archives for category: self harm

If you’ve not heard of 13 Reasons Why then you’re not on social media much.

I came across it when I logged onto Netflix one day and saw the thumbnail for it. I read the description and I was instantly intrigued and because it’s natural to watch a whole season in a couple of days, that’s exactly what I did. Unfortunately, it was only a couple of weeks after my break up and I was in a very depressive state so it wasn’t the best thing to watch. But now that I’m in a better place I feel better about writing about it.

So, as I said I watched it all within a matter of days and I cried through the whole last episode. I have never been able to relate to something more in my entire life. So many things that Hannah Baker went through, I’ve been in the same position, as a lot of people have I assume. And because of this, I didn’t feel completely alone. Others have gone through similar experiences and felt the same way I have. And most of us have survived it. But what about the others that haven’t?

I read somewhere and I wholeheartedly agree that it should be watched in schools. It needs to be recognised that a single word could set off a domino effect of chaos in someone’s life. The one thing you said to someone on maybe the worst day of their life could be the last straw for them. We need to start teaching young people that it’s not okay to spread rumours about someone. That we need to build each other up not tear each other down. Also, that teachers or guidance counsellors need to do more if a student is having signs of depression or anxiety.

When I was 10 I was having a really difficult time st school. It all started when my best friend started hanging about with the other girls and not talking to me as much. After that I had no one to talk to at school, I was completely alone. I started staying home more and if I had to go into school then I’d come home for lunch, which was handy because I didn’t stay too far away. Even then I tried to tell the teachers that I didn’t feel comfortable in school but they didn’t understand. This carried on into High School which was even worse. It was a bigger school, 10 times bigger than my other school and I had no one to talk to. I eventually left and went to another school with children like me but if I didn’t do that, would I still be here?

After watching the Netflix show I realised it was a book. And while I was away on my short break to Ireland to see my family and try to mend my broken heart (healing process is going okay if you’re wondering) I decided to buy the book. I’ve been reading books non stop since the break up and had them all lined up and 13 Reasons Why was the last one. (For now) And it frustrated me to no end. Hannah could have tried harder to get help, go to a doctor or something for help. I know how she felt though, like she couldn’t turn to anyone and she didn’t want to bother her parents because they were stressed with other things. Oh my god, I can understand that!

Anyway, I don’t want to ramble too much. If you haven’t read the book or watched the show on Netflix then I suggest you do.

Stay strong my bees x

 

I’ve not always been fat, at least I didn’t think so until I saw photos of my younger self recently and I realised I was definitely a lot chubbier than most kids. But I wasn’t unhealthy or inactive. I was always running about and playing outside with friends. Playing games, rollerblading, going to the park, riding my bike etc. If I did ever eat unhealthily it was with the £1 I was given by my mum to go to the shops.

When I was ten things started to change in school. I had one best friend at school but no one at my school lived nearby so I had different friends at home. When I was ten my best friend started to change and she wanted to hang about with the other girls and talk about boys and make up and girly things. I was very much a tomboy and I liked films and playing games but they didn’t. Because I lost my best friend I just followed the other girls about. They would walk in a line next to one another and I would trail behind. It was absolutely awful. And because of this I started missing school. I hated it. I didn’t mind the work because I was quite a smart kid but feeling invisible every day made me feel sick. The teachers didn’t really care. I tried to explain to them how I felt and they didn’t understand or even try to help me out. This obviously followed me into High school.

With every year I got bigger because people were making fun of me and I was spending too much time on my own. We also moved house a year later and instead of being ignored I was thrown to lions because where we moved to was full of people who loved to make fun of my size and shout at me from moving cars calling me ‘Fat’. Like I didn’t already know…

Despite all this I made great new friends and even got myself my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. But I was getting bigger all the time. I was taken to dieticians and people in hospitals who made me feel terrible about my size. All this while still not going to school and getting home schooled once a week. The whole time I didn’t even know but I had depression. I self harmed and I cried all the time but I wasn’t given any help. If anything, I was a pain and people didn’t have time for me.

Skipping to the age of 23 and things are pretty much the same. I’m extremely overweight even having dropped 3 stone. I had lost 4 stone 5 but put some back on. I’m currently at slimming world but my weight has been so up and down the past year I don’t think it’s helping and at £5 a week I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. After speaking to my boyfriend and my mum I’ve decided that I’m going to ask the doctor for help. I don’t want surgery or a gastric band or any of that rubbish, I just want help. I want someone to write me out a plan to give me structure and routine and to tell me what I can and can’t eat on certain days. If only I could pay someone to live in my house and tell me to get my shoes on cause we’re going out for a walk. One can dream.

I tried so hard before dieting to be ‘body positive’ and it just didn’t work for me since I don’t like my body. I couldn’t lie to myself no matter how hard I tried. I envy the girls that can do it. I loved the idea of it but the more I saw these girls photos and even spoke to some of them, I realised that I wasn’t happy. When I walk down the street the girl I see inside my head and what I think others see isn’t what I look like right now. But I know one day it will be.

I think I’ve just reached that age where I want this weight off now. I want to be able to look at myself and actually like what I see instead of trying to be optimistic. I want to go into a clothes store and try things on without wanting to burst into tears. I want to, at some point, start a family and actually be fit enough to look after them. I would love to play with my children and run about with them instead of being the unfit parent who sits on the bench and watches.

I know it will be a long road and considering my age, it’ll be pretty much up and down from now on and I’m willing to live with that. I just want a massive chunk of weight off my body and I’ll decide what to do from there.

Thanks to anyone who has read this.

Much love and have fun 🙂 x

I’m 23 nearly 24 and I’ve been self harming since I was 13. On and off depending on how bad I was at the time. And I’ve had a good run this past while, I hadn’t self harmed for about a year and a half… until this afternoon.

I woke up in a complete state, anxious and panicking about everything and this has been happening on and off for the past month and every single time it’s happened I’ve thought about self harming and I haven’t done it. Well, today I had enough. I did it.

And I don’t feel ashamed.

I spoke to my boyfriend afterwards and he reassured me that everything was okay and the fact that I hadn’t done it in so long and it got the better of me today was just a small defeat.

It is so refreshing to have that response instead of the usual anger and look of pity on peoples faces that I usually get.

I just want to note that I’m not glorifying self harm here. I’m not saying ‘Here ya go kids, here’s an outlet for ya’. No way. It is the worst thing ever to do to yourself and it hurts like hell. I didn’t do it too badly today, just enough to stop everything whizzing around in my brain. It’s an awful thing to do to your body, because our bodies are beautiful. And I wish every time I’m having a rough week or month that I had a better outlet. My outlet is usually food and that’s not good either. I wish I could switch it to spending too much money on make up to cheer myself up or go clothes shopping but I don’t because none of that interests me.

I guess I’m rambling here and I’m sorry for anyone who is reading this but that’s just the way I am. It’s good to talk about it, even though no one is saying anything back.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t feel bad if you slip up and do the thing that’s your outlet, whether it be drink, spending too much money, breaking dishes in the kitchen or even shouting at someone. It happens to us all. Just make sure you pick yourself up afterwards and ask someone for a hug if you need it or even just make yourself a cup of coffee. I know it sounds cliché, but tomorrow is a new day.

Everything is going to be fine.

 

Much love and have fun 🙂 x