Archives for category: Progress

I’ve had an eventful week to say the least. It’s also probably been the longest and most emotionally draining week I’ve had for a while. Let’s start with the good shall we?

GOOD – Always start with something positive i suppose. This week i went to the gym 3 times, burning at least 1,000 calories each time and went for long walks on the days in between. I’ve been feeling a lot fitter and can definitely see a change in myself. Especially in my legs since i use the bike and treadmill every time i go. I also went into town and bought myself a new top, which looked really good on me.

And i did the unthinkable and went into town with my friend and did a bit of day drinking. It was a positive thing for me because i haven’t done it in well over a year so i was really proud of myself. Unfortunately, my closest friend couldn’t make it so i feel like i couldn’t really enjoy myself as i’m not as close with my other friend. But i still enjoyed it all the same.

 

BAD – Okay, here we go. On the 11th it would have been me and my ex boyfriends 2 year anniversary, if we had stayed together. That day i was in town so i was occupied but it still upset me. I thought about how we might have spent it. In our new wee flat, cuddled on the couch… maybe watching a film. It made me sad because it was a day i was looking forward to the most this year because it would have been our first one together properly living in the same place. But life is funny i guess. Yesterday was a hard day. We spoke on the phone and i explained that i’m struggling with the break up despite doing and having positive changes. I told him i still loved him and he said nothing back to me. Of course it annoyed me but i can’t be mad if he feels different now. I asked him out right if he wanted to be with me again at any point and he said no. It didn’t hurt as much as i thought, i don’t know why. I guess i still think he’s trying to be strong and not say anything to lead me on, i think he does feel the same way. I had asked him to block my number because i can’t handle the fact that sometimes when i contact him he ignores me for days. The conversation ended badly and dramatically. I told him he’d regret saying he didn’t want to be with me and i told him to have a nice life. I regretted it. I asked my mum to text him to ask if he could contact me because i hate leaving things with people on a sour note. He said he would call today… and he hasn’t.

I can’t carry on like this. I put a lot of effort into people and i get nothing back in return. I never thought he would be on that list of people but he is now.

 

LONELY – I was so lonely tonight i went onto an internet chat room. Not for dating or anything, just for talking to people. I lasted 10 minutes. I clicked exit when a guy asked ‘ What kind of guys are you into?’. The Answer? My ex boyfriend, please. I always talk about feeling lonely and feeling like i don’t connect with anyone anymore and it’s still true. I’m fucking miserable. I feel like Rose in Titanic when she tells Jack of feeling like she’s standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of her lungs and no one even looks up. Also, my cousins wifes brother died suddenly the other day. He took a heroin overdose. I didn’t know him personally and had never met him but i was friends with him on facebook. It was lovely to see people posting on his facebook and talking so positively about him and sharing heart warming photos. But it got me thinking, if i disappeared, would anyone care? Obviously people would but i would hate the fakeness of it all. People who knew me for a year and didn’t think i was good enough to stay in touch with talking about that one night out we were out together which resulted in us being facebook friends but never speaking again.

I guess i should be thankful. I’m still here and i’m alive but i do genuinely feel like i’m dead inside. A part of me died when my ex said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. The only person i’ve had such a strong connection with doesn’t even want me around.

 

And to be honest, i’d rather not be here.

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I did something incredible yesterday. Maybe it wouldn’t be to some but to me it was everything! I had lost so much confidence the last couple of months and I’ve been clawing my way back to being confident.

I’ve been going to the gym 3 times a week and going out for walks on the days in between. And yesterday I finally felt confident enough to… go into town! My mum came with me because there was a shop we wanted to go to. On my way to said shop there was a dip in the pavement and naturally I went over on my ankle, which I always do, and gracefully crashed into a bus stop pole! Luckily it was there or I would have fell flat on my face. All this happened in front of a couple standing outside a shop, which would have embarrassed me but I just laughed it off.

Afterwards, I was going to meet my friend for lunch. And the pub we were meeting in got busier and busier as the day went on but I didn’t let it affect me. And even afterwards crossing the road to my bus stop, I ran for my bus before it drove off. I RAN FOR MY BUS IN TOWN FULL OF PEOPLE! Where has this side of me been hiding?

I’ve been feeling much better lately because I’ve been eating less and working out. I’ve also been reading up on relaxation and meditation techniques. I take a few minutes a day to just sit in silence and shut my eyes and concentrate on breathing. It really helps to clear my head, especially if I’m stressed. Seeing my friends more is also helping. Even if it’s just texting them. It’s nice to know that there is other people in my life who still care about me.

All in all, I’m slowly getting back to normal and maybe even better than before.

 

Just remember to breathe.