Archives for category: Mental health

I’ve had an eventful week to say the least. It’s also probably been the longest and most emotionally draining week I’ve had for a while. Let’s start with the good shall we?

GOOD – Always start with something positive i suppose. This week i went to the gym 3 times, burning at least 1,000 calories each time and went for long walks on the days in between. I’ve been feeling a lot fitter and can definitely see a change in myself. Especially in my legs since i use the bike and treadmill every time i go. I also went into town and bought myself a new top, which looked really good on me.

And i did the unthinkable and went into town with my friend and did a bit of day drinking. It was a positive thing for me because i haven’t done it in well over a year so i was really proud of myself. Unfortunately, my closest friend couldn’t make it so i feel like i couldn’t really enjoy myself as i’m not as close with my other friend. But i still enjoyed it all the same.

 

BAD – Okay, here we go. On the 11th it would have been me and my ex boyfriends 2 year anniversary, if we had stayed together. That day i was in town so i was occupied but it still upset me. I thought about how we might have spent it. In our new wee flat, cuddled on the couch… maybe watching a film. It made me sad because it was a day i was looking forward to the most this year because it would have been our first one together properly living in the same place. But life is funny i guess. Yesterday was a hard day. We spoke on the phone and i explained that i’m struggling with the break up despite doing and having positive changes. I told him i still loved him and he said nothing back to me. Of course it annoyed me but i can’t be mad if he feels different now. I asked him out right if he wanted to be with me again at any point and he said no. It didn’t hurt as much as i thought, i don’t know why. I guess i still think he’s trying to be strong and not say anything to lead me on, i think he does feel the same way. I had asked him to block my number because i can’t handle the fact that sometimes when i contact him he ignores me for days. The conversation ended badly and dramatically. I told him he’d regret saying he didn’t want to be with me and i told him to have a nice life. I regretted it. I asked my mum to text him to ask if he could contact me because i hate leaving things with people on a sour note. He said he would call today… and he hasn’t.

I can’t carry on like this. I put a lot of effort into people and i get nothing back in return. I never thought he would be on that list of people but he is now.

 

LONELY – I was so lonely tonight i went onto an internet chat room. Not for dating or anything, just for talking to people. I lasted 10 minutes. I clicked exit when a guy asked ‘ What kind of guys are you into?’. The Answer? My ex boyfriend, please. I always talk about feeling lonely and feeling like i don’t connect with anyone anymore and it’s still true. I’m fucking miserable. I feel like Rose in Titanic when she tells Jack of feeling like she’s standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of her lungs and no one even looks up. Also, my cousins wifes brother died suddenly the other day. He took a heroin overdose. I didn’t know him personally and had never met him but i was friends with him on facebook. It was lovely to see people posting on his facebook and talking so positively about him and sharing heart warming photos. But it got me thinking, if i disappeared, would anyone care? Obviously people would but i would hate the fakeness of it all. People who knew me for a year and didn’t think i was good enough to stay in touch with talking about that one night out we were out together which resulted in us being facebook friends but never speaking again.

I guess i should be thankful. I’m still here and i’m alive but i do genuinely feel like i’m dead inside. A part of me died when my ex said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. The only person i’ve had such a strong connection with doesn’t even want me around.

 

And to be honest, i’d rather not be here.

I’m writing more and more lately because I feel it’s my only outlet. If I didn’t do this then I would spend the majority of my days not saying how I felt and talking to myself in my room. I still live at home with my parents and my brother but I can’t really talk to them. My dad wouldn’t understand, my mum listens but her problems always seem worse and my brother just wouldn’t have the patience or understanding. So, WordPress, you’re all I’ve got.

As much as my confidence is growing more every week, it’s not always as simple as it seems. For the past 9 days I’ve cried. I’ve sat in my room by myself and I’ve cried. Sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes for as long as an hour. And yes, I have people around me, so why do I feel so alone? Because I do. I’ve spoken many times before about reaching out to people so I can actually talk to another human being but that hasn’t got me anywhere. I was feeling particularly lonely last night so I messaged a few people. One was online and avoided looking at my message, the second didn’t say very much and I got the vibe that they couldn’t be bothered but the third thankfully text me back and we chatted for about an hour but not about anything of interest.

I only really have two friends. One of them hasn’t said much to me lately and the other one will only tag me in memes on Facebook unless they want to talk about themselves. I wish making friends was as easy as it was when you were four. And the sad thing is that 9 times out of 10 I have to be the one to reach out to people. And no one is checking up on me. I’ve gone from having a great support system (my ex) to falling through a vast and endless black hole of loneliness. And even though I’m struggling I still haven’t given up yet, so I guess you can say I’m strong? In the past I would have been back on dating sites by now and talking to a different guy every week trying to fill the emptiness in my soul with something or anything but I’ve chosen not to do that. Doing that only made me feel worse than better but as I sit here feeling I have no real connection with anyone anymore it is tempting.

Ive also been very unwell lately and it’s been dragging me down. Constant visits to the doctors surgery the past couple of months. Soon to be sent to the hospital for tests to find out what’s going on and do you know what the funny thing is? I really don’t care anymore. I don’t really care what else this year has to throw at me because it can’t get any worse, not in my head anyway. I’ve had to fight against everything that’s been shoved in my way and I’m still here.

I guess I’ll keep on going…

So today was a small breakthrough for me…

I woke up and my mums cold had gotten worse and I already knew before she said it that she wouldn’t be going to the gym. So I went BY MYSELF!!

I say small breakthrough because I was able to do this by myself before Christmas but obviously because life took a little tumble recently I didn’t think I could do it. I got the bus down and went straight in. 12 minutes on the bike and 18 minutes on the treadmill. I can even run on the treadmill for a little bit. I do short bursts until I burn about 5 calories and then I walk for 10 calories.

Ill be weighing myself next week to see if I’ve lost any weight this month. Even if I haven’t I know I’ve done something right cause my body looks a lot better than It did a couple of months ago. I even went shopping after the gym too! My confidence is really growing and the meditation and relaxation techniques that I’m doing every day is really helping.

The true challenge to my new found confidence will be a night out next month. It won’t be anything big but my cousin will be here and she’s like a size 10 and gorgeous but hey, if she’s with me then no one will be looking at me when they’re too busy looking at her! Hopefully I’ll have more weight off by that point and feeling much better than I am now.

 

Sending good vibes to everyone!

It’s a new low when you’re sat watching Big Brother and you start crying because you realise how lonely you are.

And boy, am I lonely!

It’s weird going from talking to the same person a few times a day every day to absolutely nothing. It’s a strange adjustment. One that I’m still not completely comfortable with. And no offense but… other people just aren’t as fun to talk to. Seriously.

I’ve reached out to people and tried to have a conversation with them and it’s like hitting my head against a brick wall… repeatedly. Even my closest friend isn’t saying much to me lately. And my other friend can be pretty tiring. So my choices are, be annoyed or be alone.

Things with my family aren’t any better. Things are stressful at home and problems with other family members has made me really depressed. They don’t put much effort in to keeping in touch with us.. and they live in the same street!

Truly, the only person that I feel connected to and happy after speaking to is Him. Our conversations just flow so easily and he just gets me… he always did.

But that’s the sad thing isn’t it? We can’t always have what makes us happy.

I hope things pick up soon. It’s draining to feel so disappointed in people all the time.

But in the mean time I’ll continue to better myself and meditate often to clear my head.

 

Here’s to staying strong!

 

 

I did something incredible yesterday. Maybe it wouldn’t be to some but to me it was everything! I had lost so much confidence the last couple of months and I’ve been clawing my way back to being confident.

I’ve been going to the gym 3 times a week and going out for walks on the days in between. And yesterday I finally felt confident enough to… go into town! My mum came with me because there was a shop we wanted to go to. On my way to said shop there was a dip in the pavement and naturally I went over on my ankle, which I always do, and gracefully crashed into a bus stop pole! Luckily it was there or I would have fell flat on my face. All this happened in front of a couple standing outside a shop, which would have embarrassed me but I just laughed it off.

Afterwards, I was going to meet my friend for lunch. And the pub we were meeting in got busier and busier as the day went on but I didn’t let it affect me. And even afterwards crossing the road to my bus stop, I ran for my bus before it drove off. I RAN FOR MY BUS IN TOWN FULL OF PEOPLE! Where has this side of me been hiding?

I’ve been feeling much better lately because I’ve been eating less and working out. I’ve also been reading up on relaxation and meditation techniques. I take a few minutes a day to just sit in silence and shut my eyes and concentrate on breathing. It really helps to clear my head, especially if I’m stressed. Seeing my friends more is also helping. Even if it’s just texting them. It’s nice to know that there is other people in my life who still care about me.

All in all, I’m slowly getting back to normal and maybe even better than before.

 

Just remember to breathe.

If you’ve not heard of 13 Reasons Why then you’re not on social media much.

I came across it when I logged onto Netflix one day and saw the thumbnail for it. I read the description and I was instantly intrigued and because it’s natural to watch a whole season in a couple of days, that’s exactly what I did. Unfortunately, it was only a couple of weeks after my break up and I was in a very depressive state so it wasn’t the best thing to watch. But now that I’m in a better place I feel better about writing about it.

So, as I said I watched it all within a matter of days and I cried through the whole last episode. I have never been able to relate to something more in my entire life. So many things that Hannah Baker went through, I’ve been in the same position, as a lot of people have I assume. And because of this, I didn’t feel completely alone. Others have gone through similar experiences and felt the same way I have. And most of us have survived it. But what about the others that haven’t?

I read somewhere and I wholeheartedly agree that it should be watched in schools. It needs to be recognised that a single word could set off a domino effect of chaos in someone’s life. The one thing you said to someone on maybe the worst day of their life could be the last straw for them. We need to start teaching young people that it’s not okay to spread rumours about someone. That we need to build each other up not tear each other down. Also, that teachers or guidance counsellors need to do more if a student is having signs of depression or anxiety.

When I was 10 I was having a really difficult time st school. It all started when my best friend started hanging about with the other girls and not talking to me as much. After that I had no one to talk to at school, I was completely alone. I started staying home more and if I had to go into school then I’d come home for lunch, which was handy because I didn’t stay too far away. Even then I tried to tell the teachers that I didn’t feel comfortable in school but they didn’t understand. This carried on into High School which was even worse. It was a bigger school, 10 times bigger than my other school and I had no one to talk to. I eventually left and went to another school with children like me but if I didn’t do that, would I still be here?

After watching the Netflix show I realised it was a book. And while I was away on my short break to Ireland to see my family and try to mend my broken heart (healing process is going okay if you’re wondering) I decided to buy the book. I’ve been reading books non stop since the break up and had them all lined up and 13 Reasons Why was the last one. (For now) And it frustrated me to no end. Hannah could have tried harder to get help, go to a doctor or something for help. I know how she felt though, like she couldn’t turn to anyone and she didn’t want to bother her parents because they were stressed with other things. Oh my god, I can understand that!

Anyway, I don’t want to ramble too much. If you haven’t read the book or watched the show on Netflix then I suggest you do.

Stay strong my bees x

 

There’s been a news article going about now for the past few months about a woman and her boyfriend who enjoy the feeder and feedee relationship. As much as I don’t have a problem with people acting on their desires I wanted to write about my own experience with it.

After leaving college I started working in a café/bar. I was depressed with extremely low self esteem and no confidence. But then I met this guy who was really cute. He was always up at the bar but I didn’t serve him until I was left to handle the place by myself for a few minutes, that’s when we first spoke. It was the open mic night at the bar and I head him sing and play guitar, which was just my type at the time. To my complete shock he gave me a little note with his name and number on it before he left with his friends that night. I felt amazing! I hadn’t had a boyfriend for a few years and no guy had shown interest in me in that time.

We spoke and met up a couple of weeks later for our first date which was really fun. We met up again that weekend for a fun day out too. I think after this point is when he first made his intentions clear in what he liked and didn’t like. He told me that he liked bigger girls, being a big girl myself with no confidence and convinced that no guy would ever want to touch me, this revelation was very flattering, which now when I think about it, wasn’t such a good thing.

The night we first slept together he forced these small sweets into mouth. He was laying on top of me and didn’t stop when I forced my mouth shut and shook my head to say no. He eventually stopped, thank god. Even during sex he kept asking me if I’d put on weight and how much weight I would put on for him. It was extremely uncomfortable but being very naïve and young I just went along with it. We met up a couple of times afterwards but he eventually ended it. Shortly after me he moved onto another very naïve girl, or so I heard through the grapevine. Due to being with him it made me join sites that were very ‘big girl’ accepting and I met creep after creep but I carried on with it because I was miserable and I wanted a guy to like me for who I am.

And now I have an amazing boyfriend who has said he’ll love me no matter what size I am. I guess the moral of this blog post is, do what makes you happy. If you are a girl and you enjoy the feeder/feedee relationship then great! Enjoy yourself! But if you’ve started dating a guy who enjoys it and you’re not sure and you’re doing things for his benefit and to make him happy instead of yourself then be careful. I know it’s a silly saying but…

It will happen when you least expect it.

Whatever the ‘It’ may be.

 

Much love and have fun 🙂 x

I haven’t wrote in a while and it’s because I’ve been fairly busy trying to sort myself out. My confidence was slipping really badly due to not working and not seeing friends so I’m now volunteering with a great little charity shop not too far from me. Everyone is really nice and I can do as much as I want without letting anyone down.

I would say things were going pretty well until recently when I started getting upset more everyday over little things. I’m definitely due a trip to the doctors to talk about how things are going. Thankfully I have a new doctor who knows about mental health and actually knows what he’s talking about. I was also away staying with my boyfriend for a week which was really over due since I hadn’t seen him in four weeks. Unfortunately, it’s my birthday next week and he won’t be able to come and see me since he’s working full time and couldn’t get the day off, I’m not going to lie… I’m heartbroken. He wasn’t there on the day last year but came up the day after, and I wouldn’t have minded if he couldn’t have at all because we had only been dating a few weeks but this year what with everything that’s been happening, it was the one thing I truly wanted. But no matter how much I pout and cry there’s nothing that can be done. He’ll still put in tons of effort as he always does.

If anyone follows my blog or even reads the ‘not so greatly put together’ posts, you might notice that I was having some family problems. They have been somewhat sorted but it’ll never be the same again. The words that were said by the people involved have greatly affected my health. Nothing bad was said about me personally but when it’s aimed at your immediate family it does affect you greatly, as I’m sure everyone will understand. Because of this I have been crying… a lot. I know it’s a normal reaction of mine but I was annoyed with myself because I was feeling good and motivated and it seems like these particular people keep knocking me back down again. Because of this I have decided to not see them for a little while. They need to make an effort with my brother and my mum and until I see that improvement I don’t want to be associated with them. Some may call that harsh and hurtful but they ignored my brother for 3 months without even mentioning his name so I’m sure I can manage just fine.

As for my best friend, I’ve not seen her for nearly 2 months… again. She told me the last time we met up that we’d definitely meet up before I went away to see my boyfriend for a week. I gave her the date I was leaving and I said I was free pretty much everyday, since I’m not working at the moment. She didn’t mention it again. I asked her if she was free and she said she wasn’t. So I was fine with it, she’s got family stuff going on like everyone else but when I see she’s tagged her and her boyfriend in at the cinema or they’re at lunch somewhere it just makes me so mad. Ever since they’ve became official all her time goes into being with him and of course, yeah that does happen but rule number 1 is that you should never forget about your friends; and she has. My boyfriend told me to just ask her if she wants to go for lunch but I point blank refuse to do that since I’ve been the one to ask for about 6 months now and I’m exhausted. Also, the last time we hung out, her boyfriend was away on holiday for a week, so I felt like she was just sat with me because he wasn’t there. And she even said “We should make this lunch count cause who knows when we’ll meet up again!” If I didn’t know any better I would say that she was blowing me off before I even got a chance to make plans with her again.

Anyway, if anyone has read this, I’m fine if no one has, it was purely to let go of some of the negative feelings I’ve been having. Writing about them is so therapeutic; it’s unreal! I hope everyone is well!

Much love and have fun 🙂 x

The same old questions pop up. Can you trust him? How can you stand to be apart for so long? But don’t you just want to jump into bed with someone else?

In short.

Yes.

It’s difficult but we’re working towards being together and building a life with one another. This is just temporary.

And no. Cause I’m loyal as fuck and there’s no one like him.

Trust me, I was dubious about the whole thing. I had fallen for a couple of guys when I was younger who lived far away and it didn’t work out well…. one had a girlfriend and the other had several girls on his hook (Which wasn’t as big as he thought it was).

But when me and my boyfriend first started talking it felt like I was talking to my best friend. He had only been out of a 2 and a half year relationship for 4 months, which was awful and dragged on for at least a year more than it should have. And I was being fucked about by some guy who told me that I was well on my way to becoming his girlfriend. Uh huh. So we talked and talked for days just by text and then we decided to talk face to face on Skype. The first time didn’t go smoothly because he had trouble with his computer, which I thought was an excuse and I was convinced he was gonna throw me aside like every other guy, but he didn’t. We did Skype for about half an hour but the signal was bad so he called me and we spoke on the phone for 3 hours. He sorted his computer problems and we skyped every night that week. And sometimes all we would do is look at each other and I knew then that I was in love with him. Little did I know but he was in love with me too and had been since our first conversation basically!!

Less than a month later he travelled up to see me with his friends who purposely booked a weekend break where I live just so he could tag along and meet me. And that was it! We’ve been together a year now! And yeah, it’s been tough as hell. There’s a lot of time spent apart and a lot of it spent looking at him on a computer screen but like I said at the beginning, it’s only temporary. I’ll be moving down to be with him by the end of this year, since he has studies and can’t move at the moment, or at the very least the beginning of next year.

It’s difficult for us both because we both have depression and anxiety and sometimes it feels like when one of us is up, the other one is down. But we help each other. We comfort each other. He’s my best friend. My boyfriend. And the absolute love of my life.

I’m writing this to show that long distance love really can work. Because that’s what it takes – A LOT of WORK! The loving each other comes easy and nothing can change that. But working around jobs and social lives to make time to talk to the other person could be challenging. Me and my boyfriend don’t really have social lives cause we’re socially awkward but hey, that’s just us 😛 We’re lucky in a sense because we see each other every few weeks. I don’t know how people who are long distance across oceans handle it. You guys are the true heroes in this situation!

I guess I’ll stop rambling about my boyfriend… for now.

Much love and Have fun 🙂 x

My brother, like most peoples brothers or sisters, is annoying as hell.

Sure, sometimes we fight. Even less so now that we’re in our twenties. And his constant chatter about politics and goings on in the world drives me mad.

But I love him.

Not just because he’s my brother and I have to but because I genuinely do. He’s incredibly smart and knows how to build computers were as I can barely switch one on. He loves to play video games, as most guys do, and he enjoys being out in his garden planting flowers and mowing the grass.

My brother has autism.

He’s turning 27 this year and he needs constant care from my mum. He’s not high on the autism spectrum but he has mental health issues on top of that. Depression, anxiety and extreme paranoia.

Ever since I was younger I’ve had to stick up for him because people didn’t understand. They always thought he was a trouble maker. Being a young boy, he probably was but most of what they didn’t understand was his autism. Like most people my brother doesn’t understand when a stranger is joking. He didn’t fully understand sarcasm until he was about 24 and even now he might not. With me and other family members he will understand if we’re joking because we make it obvious enough for him to understand.

Now, I don’t want to bash any family members here but I am just so downright angry with them and I’m really writing this to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.

A family friend made a comment about my brothers parking, his car is his pride and joy, and this woman claimed to be joking. I know this woman very well and she doesn’t have a nice thing to say about anyone. She will say things in a funny and jokey manner but we all know she’s being serious. So when she said this ‘joke’ my brother took it seriously, judging by the look on her face. He then decided to confront her and told her to not speak to him like that to which he got a ‘Fuck off’ and a door in his face. My brother also told her where to go. This woman’s brother then told my brother not to speak to HER like that.

This woman is very close to my grandmother and auntie who live down the street from us and she was quick to call them to let them know what happened, instead of speaking to my mum who is my brothers carer. My mum, later that night, tried speaking to my grandmother about the situation but was told that ‘you are all mad’ so my mum hung up the phone. The next day my brother tried speaking to my grandmother and auntie about it and they said ‘We don’t want to talk about it.’

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this.

So, naturally, like anyone would, my brother got hot tempered and started shouting. And yes, he did name call but he was so angry that his own family wouldn’t listen to him. I would be too, show me someone who wouldn’t! And since then he hasn’t been allowed down to their house. They told my mum they would need a few weeks for things to cool down…

Seven weeks later…

Still no change. They haven’t even asked how my brother is and anytime we mention him it’s quickly moved onto a different subject or goes completely silent. I’m just so disgusted and heart broken for my brother. He only has one friend, and that is a man who used to be his befriender with an autism programme. When the man finished the programme and went onto other things he still saw my brother. And he still does to this day even though he has a son and wife with another baby on the way. This man shows my brother more respect and courtesy than his own family.

I’m not looking for advice on how to deal with my family but if there is anyone out there who has experienced this. Please contact me. I want to know if anyone has had family that’s done this to them and how you’ve handled it.

 

Many thanks for reading.

Much love and Have fun 🙂 x