Archives for category: Love

“Have you heard from him?” 

I’ve been asked this so many times by so many different people. Family members and even my mums friends. And every time it cuts me because i would love to smile so widely and shout YES!” but i don’t think that day will ever come.

But it just got me thinking, will i ever be over him? People still ask about him so if they haven’t moved on, will i? This was always my worry after the break up because i loved him so deeply that i didn’t think i could love another man like that. And even though it’s only been just over a year i still haven’t met someone that measures up to him. He wasn’t perfect but i loved him. I could see us clearly on our wedding day and even him coming home to me and our child… The mind is a powerful thing, right?

I’ve been working so hard on myself lately and I’ve achieved a lot and i would love to share it all with him because i know he would be proud of me. But i could never reach out to him again because the silence after i hit ‘send’ is too much for me to handle. I’ve been so brave, i even met this guy and went on a couple of dates with him and even though we could talk about all sorts and it was nice… i just didn’t feel anything for him.

Will i ever feel the same about another guy again? 

I still cry about it all. And i feel so pathetic for it but i can’t help how i feel. Surely it can’t just be me that feels this overpowering love for him? Does he still feel it for me but he’s better at hiding it? What do i do? Do i risk reaching out to him again and getting ignored or do i just carry on feeling this way with the hope that i find it again with someone else?


I knew love would be hard but i didn’t think it would be like this… 


I had a dream about him last night.

We were sleeping next to each other and I reached out for him and he cuddled my hand like he always did. And I really could feel him. His hair and his tshirt. His soft beard against my hand.

And then everything got dark. He was scared and then… he was gone. And it was like those scenes in Stranger Things where Joyce knows that Will is alive and she can feel his presence but can’t see him. And I prayed that the fairy lights on my wall would flicker just to tell me that he was there.

And then he was.

He was locked in some kind of basement and I could see him but he wasn’t in my house. We could communicate to each other. And he was in so much distress and he was crying. Frantically looking up trying to find my voice. Trying to find me.

Then he screamed and he was gone again.

And later in the dream I looked out of the window and there was thousands of stars in the sky and they were so bright. The brightest I’ve ever seen. And shooting stars too!


I made every wish for him.

They say, “All good things come to those who wait.”

I waited.

But they also say, “All good things must come to an end.”

It ended… or did it?

Are things really over for good? Do things really come to an ending? People would say that, yes they do. When you die everything ends. Everything ends for you but not for the people that you left behind. And while i’m not talking about the death of a person, i am talking about the death of a relationship.

And yes, as i write this i am listening to sad songs to really bring out the depressive state that i’m pushing myself further into. Don’t worry though, i’m okay. And even if i wasn’t, i will be.

I want to write about him.

I know that a few people will be reading this and thinking that i will find love somewhere else because it always comes around. I know that it does. This isn’t about that.

Our relationship ended. It wasn’t bad. No one hurt the other person but obviously no relationship is perfect. We both had our fair share of emotional baggage and if it wasn’t for that i suppose everything would be fine.


It’s only been a few weeks and we’re giving each other space, which is the hardest thing ever. No calls, texts, late night skype calls. Maybe never a friendly hug ever again, who knows. But the thing is, with me and him, our connection was so strong. If we had been friends when we were younger we would still be the best of friends now. That’s how close we are… were? We would sometimes talk about the “What if we broke up?” scenario and we agreed that we would both want to remain friends because we couldn’t imagine our lives without the other in it.


Can people really stay friends after a break up? And if they can’t is it because the other person treated them so badly or is it because they know they’re meant to be together but they’re too afraid to try again?

Time away from him has made me see that he wasn’t perfect. And i wasn’t perfect. And we have some big issues of our own to sort out, separately. But there’s also things i want us to deal with together. I want us to grow together, i want us to become better versions of ourselves, i want to have all the good times and bad times together. I want us to stand together in front of every battle in life, hold hands and charge at it.


But that’s what i want and If he wants something else then us being Together might never happen.

But things are never really over. Because you think about it when you least expect it. You think about how things might have turned out if you had done something differently or never met someone. And you think that they never think about it. But i bet they do.


The End…?