Archives for category: Friends

I’ve had an eventful week to say the least. It’s also probably been the longest and most emotionally draining week I’ve had for a while. Let’s start with the good shall we?

GOOD – Always start with something positive i suppose. This week i went to the gym 3 times, burning at least 1,000 calories each time and went for long walks on the days in between. I’ve been feeling a lot fitter and can definitely see a change in myself. Especially in my legs since i use the bike and treadmill every time i go. I also went into town and bought myself a new top, which looked really good on me.

And i did the unthinkable and went into town with my friend and did a bit of day drinking. It was a positive thing for me because i haven’t done it in well over a year so i was really proud of myself. Unfortunately, my closest friend couldn’t make it so i feel like i couldn’t really enjoy myself as i’m not as close with my other friend. But i still enjoyed it all the same.

 

BAD – Okay, here we go. On the 11th it would have been me and my ex boyfriends 2 year anniversary, if we had stayed together. That day i was in town so i was occupied but it still upset me. I thought about how we might have spent it. In our new wee flat, cuddled on the couch… maybe watching a film. It made me sad because it was a day i was looking forward to the most this year because it would have been our first one together properly living in the same place. But life is funny i guess. Yesterday was a hard day. We spoke on the phone and i explained that i’m struggling with the break up despite doing and having positive changes. I told him i still loved him and he said nothing back to me. Of course it annoyed me but i can’t be mad if he feels different now. I asked him out right if he wanted to be with me again at any point and he said no. It didn’t hurt as much as i thought, i don’t know why. I guess i still think he’s trying to be strong and not say anything to lead me on, i think he does feel the same way. I had asked him to block my number because i can’t handle the fact that sometimes when i contact him he ignores me for days. The conversation ended badly and dramatically. I told him he’d regret saying he didn’t want to be with me and i told him to have a nice life. I regretted it. I asked my mum to text him to ask if he could contact me because i hate leaving things with people on a sour note. He said he would call today… and he hasn’t.

I can’t carry on like this. I put a lot of effort into people and i get nothing back in return. I never thought he would be on that list of people but he is now.

 

LONELY – I was so lonely tonight i went onto an internet chat room. Not for dating or anything, just for talking to people. I lasted 10 minutes. I clicked exit when a guy asked ‘ What kind of guys are you into?’. The Answer? My ex boyfriend, please. I always talk about feeling lonely and feeling like i don’t connect with anyone anymore and it’s still true. I’m fucking miserable. I feel like Rose in Titanic when she tells Jack of feeling like she’s standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of her lungs and no one even looks up. Also, my cousins wifes brother died suddenly the other day. He took a heroin overdose. I didn’t know him personally and had never met him but i was friends with him on facebook. It was lovely to see people posting on his facebook and talking so positively about him and sharing heart warming photos. But it got me thinking, if i disappeared, would anyone care? Obviously people would but i would hate the fakeness of it all. People who knew me for a year and didn’t think i was good enough to stay in touch with talking about that one night out we were out together which resulted in us being facebook friends but never speaking again.

I guess i should be thankful. I’m still here and i’m alive but i do genuinely feel like i’m dead inside. A part of me died when my ex said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. The only person i’ve had such a strong connection with doesn’t even want me around.

 

And to be honest, i’d rather not be here.

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I’m writing more and more lately because I feel it’s my only outlet. If I didn’t do this then I would spend the majority of my days not saying how I felt and talking to myself in my room. I still live at home with my parents and my brother but I can’t really talk to them. My dad wouldn’t understand, my mum listens but her problems always seem worse and my brother just wouldn’t have the patience or understanding. So, WordPress, you’re all I’ve got.

As much as my confidence is growing more every week, it’s not always as simple as it seems. For the past 9 days I’ve cried. I’ve sat in my room by myself and I’ve cried. Sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes for as long as an hour. And yes, I have people around me, so why do I feel so alone? Because I do. I’ve spoken many times before about reaching out to people so I can actually talk to another human being but that hasn’t got me anywhere. I was feeling particularly lonely last night so I messaged a few people. One was online and avoided looking at my message, the second didn’t say very much and I got the vibe that they couldn’t be bothered but the third thankfully text me back and we chatted for about an hour but not about anything of interest.

I only really have two friends. One of them hasn’t said much to me lately and the other one will only tag me in memes on Facebook unless they want to talk about themselves. I wish making friends was as easy as it was when you were four. And the sad thing is that 9 times out of 10 I have to be the one to reach out to people. And no one is checking up on me. I’ve gone from having a great support system (my ex) to falling through a vast and endless black hole of loneliness. And even though I’m struggling I still haven’t given up yet, so I guess you can say I’m strong? In the past I would have been back on dating sites by now and talking to a different guy every week trying to fill the emptiness in my soul with something or anything but I’ve chosen not to do that. Doing that only made me feel worse than better but as I sit here feeling I have no real connection with anyone anymore it is tempting.

Ive also been very unwell lately and it’s been dragging me down. Constant visits to the doctors surgery the past couple of months. Soon to be sent to the hospital for tests to find out what’s going on and do you know what the funny thing is? I really don’t care anymore. I don’t really care what else this year has to throw at me because it can’t get any worse, not in my head anyway. I’ve had to fight against everything that’s been shoved in my way and I’m still here.

I guess I’ll keep on going…

It’s a new low when you’re sat watching Big Brother and you start crying because you realise how lonely you are.

And boy, am I lonely!

It’s weird going from talking to the same person a few times a day every day to absolutely nothing. It’s a strange adjustment. One that I’m still not completely comfortable with. And no offense but… other people just aren’t as fun to talk to. Seriously.

I’ve reached out to people and tried to have a conversation with them and it’s like hitting my head against a brick wall… repeatedly. Even my closest friend isn’t saying much to me lately. And my other friend can be pretty tiring. So my choices are, be annoyed or be alone.

Things with my family aren’t any better. Things are stressful at home and problems with other family members has made me really depressed. They don’t put much effort in to keeping in touch with us.. and they live in the same street!

Truly, the only person that I feel connected to and happy after speaking to is Him. Our conversations just flow so easily and he just gets me… he always did.

But that’s the sad thing isn’t it? We can’t always have what makes us happy.

I hope things pick up soon. It’s draining to feel so disappointed in people all the time.

But in the mean time I’ll continue to better myself and meditate often to clear my head.

 

Here’s to staying strong!

 

 

I did something incredible yesterday. Maybe it wouldn’t be to some but to me it was everything! I had lost so much confidence the last couple of months and I’ve been clawing my way back to being confident.

I’ve been going to the gym 3 times a week and going out for walks on the days in between. And yesterday I finally felt confident enough to… go into town! My mum came with me because there was a shop we wanted to go to. On my way to said shop there was a dip in the pavement and naturally I went over on my ankle, which I always do, and gracefully crashed into a bus stop pole! Luckily it was there or I would have fell flat on my face. All this happened in front of a couple standing outside a shop, which would have embarrassed me but I just laughed it off.

Afterwards, I was going to meet my friend for lunch. And the pub we were meeting in got busier and busier as the day went on but I didn’t let it affect me. And even afterwards crossing the road to my bus stop, I ran for my bus before it drove off. I RAN FOR MY BUS IN TOWN FULL OF PEOPLE! Where has this side of me been hiding?

I’ve been feeling much better lately because I’ve been eating less and working out. I’ve also been reading up on relaxation and meditation techniques. I take a few minutes a day to just sit in silence and shut my eyes and concentrate on breathing. It really helps to clear my head, especially if I’m stressed. Seeing my friends more is also helping. Even if it’s just texting them. It’s nice to know that there is other people in my life who still care about me.

All in all, I’m slowly getting back to normal and maybe even better than before.

 

Just remember to breathe.

To a quote a line from the Friends theme song; ‘I’ll be there for you.’

Well i must have been abducted by aliens or kidnapped by a travelling circus because my ‘best friend’ hasn’t seen me since my life took a nose dive into the seventh circle of hell.

Yes, i know people have their own lives and work and then have to find time to socialise somewhere in between.

It’s been nearly six weeks since everything happened and she was the first person i phoned. The only person i phoned to be honest. And she was in disbelief and saying how sad it was and if i wanted to hang out and watch bad movies then all i had to do was ask…

I’ve been asking. For the past six weeks. And she’s cancelled on me twice. Or asked to see her boyfriend instead of me.

My anxiety has been awful since everything changed. I was so confident before and now i’m like a dehydrated bee crawling on the ground and wishing someone would come to my aid… or squish me. I’m not fussed at this point. I had asked my friend if she would come to my part of the city, she lives on the other side and we usually meet in the middle, because i’m literally a mess when i get into town. It’s too busy and i start to panic whenever someone looks at me. I even said i would pay her bus fare, which i shouldn’t really have to do. Any friend would be like, ‘Nuh uh, i’ll be there. What time? What dress code? What planet?’ So why isn’t she doing that? 

Normally i would go into a complete rant here but i don’t have the energy. All i know is, if it was the other way around i would be more than accommodating.  You’d think she’d say to her boyfriend, ‘Listen, i’m not gonna see you this week cause i’m gonna go see my best friend. She needs me right now.’ But i guess life isn’t a fairy tale, as i found out this year.

The sad truth is; my best friend is him.

I can’t even call him what he is (ex boyfriend). Because i don’t think that sums up what he was to me. Or still is, i don’t really know. But he is, without a doubt, my best friend. He gives the best advice, we can talk about anything, we like the same TV shows, movies etc. And i guess that’s what makes this so hard. Because what if i can’t have that anymore? Understandably, the romantic relationship is over but i still want everything else.

And no wonder, since my other friend hasn’t even bothered to come and see me and doesn’t ask how i’m getting on.

I really hope i don’t spend too much longer in this depressive state of writing and things start turning around. I’ve had my fair share of grief this year and we’re only in May.

 

Aliens? Please abduct me. 

They say, “All good things come to those who wait.”

I waited.

But they also say, “All good things must come to an end.”

It ended… or did it?

Are things really over for good? Do things really come to an ending? People would say that, yes they do. When you die everything ends. Everything ends for you but not for the people that you left behind. And while i’m not talking about the death of a person, i am talking about the death of a relationship.

And yes, as i write this i am listening to sad songs to really bring out the depressive state that i’m pushing myself further into. Don’t worry though, i’m okay. And even if i wasn’t, i will be.

I want to write about him.

I know that a few people will be reading this and thinking that i will find love somewhere else because it always comes around. I know that it does. This isn’t about that.

Our relationship ended. It wasn’t bad. No one hurt the other person but obviously no relationship is perfect. We both had our fair share of emotional baggage and if it wasn’t for that i suppose everything would be fine.

If.

It’s only been a few weeks and we’re giving each other space, which is the hardest thing ever. No calls, texts, late night skype calls. Maybe never a friendly hug ever again, who knows. But the thing is, with me and him, our connection was so strong. If we had been friends when we were younger we would still be the best of friends now. That’s how close we are… were? We would sometimes talk about the “What if we broke up?” scenario and we agreed that we would both want to remain friends because we couldn’t imagine our lives without the other in it.

But.

Can people really stay friends after a break up? And if they can’t is it because the other person treated them so badly or is it because they know they’re meant to be together but they’re too afraid to try again?

Time away from him has made me see that he wasn’t perfect. And i wasn’t perfect. And we have some big issues of our own to sort out, separately. But there’s also things i want us to deal with together. I want us to grow together, i want us to become better versions of ourselves, i want to have all the good times and bad times together. I want us to stand together in front of every battle in life, hold hands and charge at it.

Together.

But that’s what i want and If he wants something else then us being Together might never happen.

But things are never really over. Because you think about it when you least expect it. You think about how things might have turned out if you had done something differently or never met someone. And you think that they never think about it. But i bet they do.

 

The End…?

This is a hard thing for me to write because my best friend has been my best friend for seven years now but unfortunately I need to vent.

Her boyfriend is a moron and she allows this behaviour.

Her and her boyfriend were friends for two years before they started going out. I was all for the union and was really excited for it to happen but when I heard that they first kissed… something didn’t feel right…

My gut instinct has always been spot on and I think most people would agree with me on this one; when something doesn’t feel right – listen to your gut. It wasn’t long before things started happening which confirmed my instinct was right. My friends boyfriend has had a small drinking problem since he was a teenager. Yeah, he might have just been like every other lad and had too many but he’s been in hospital a couple of times due to alcohol. Now, as an adult, he doesn’t drink nearly as much but since my friend knew about all this before dating him she doesn’t like it when he drinks too much.

So, to cut a long story short, over the past year that they’ve been dating he has caused problems because of his drinking. He’s not an alcoholic but he’s an annoyance when he’s had a drink and sometimes likes to involve everyone in his antics.

On a completely different note but still relevant to the story, a few weeks ago I was contacted by an old college friend. We hadn’t spoken in a year and a half so when he messaged me on facebook I was a little surprised but happy to catch up all the same. The conversation was going fine until he started to get a little flirty. Now, I know for a fact that this guy has a fetish and his fetish just so happens to be – tickling! He loves to tickle the ladies. Each to their own I say but unwanted attention is never okay. So he starts on about tickle torture and what not and I felt extremely uncomfortable but being as nice as I am I managed to leave the conversation hoping he wouldn’t contact me again – no such luck. So I mentioned my boyfriend a couple of times hoping this would jog his memory that I actually have one and this eventually made him stop contacting me. In conclusion, I don’t find this behaviour at all appropriate, I wouldn’t contact someone out of the blue and force the conversation onto my ‘well known’ fetish. Unwanted attention is wrong.

So obviously I told my best friend about this and she tried to make light of it but I didn’t find it funny. I was never close to this guy at college so I found it odd and harassing for him to message me in such a way.

Anyway, my friends boyfriend, who I knew and had became friends with before they started dating, contacted me a few nights ago to catch up. I thought this was fine since we hadn’t spoken in about 8 or so months. The conversation was going fine and was fairly normal but since it was late I went to bed. When I woke up in the morning he had replied to something I said but his next message read ‘Tickle torture ;)’. Straight away I felt sick and also angry. I took a screenshot of what he said and sent it to my friend and told her that it was fine she told him about what happened but that sending me that was not okay.

And finally we get onto why I am mad.

My friend was completely apologetic! She was frantic you would even say. She had been talking to her boyfriend about his drinking and was annoyed because she finally thought he was being mature. She was even so concerned that I would fall out with her because of what he said. I assured her that I would never but that I couldn’t be bothered with his behaviour anymore, and by that I meant hearing about it from her every time we went for lunch. Her boyfriend then sends me a ‘less than heartfelt’ apology and this is when her mood changes.

She actually starts defending him! Saying that he’s just a random guy who says and does weird things and that it’s all part of the package!

I felt sick all day.

Now, I’m not some horrible person and I didn’t want her to be mad at her boyfriend all day but she only lasted an hour. After frantic apologising to defending his actions, I genuinely couldn’t believe it. I’m not going to stay mad at her forever but it genuinely hurt that she was so scared she was going to lose me as a friend one minute to defending her boyfriend and excusing his actions the next.

If you’ve made it this far, I thank you. I just really needed to get all that off my chest.

 

Much love and have fun 🙂 x

I haven’t wrote in a while and it’s because I’ve been fairly busy trying to sort myself out. My confidence was slipping really badly due to not working and not seeing friends so I’m now volunteering with a great little charity shop not too far from me. Everyone is really nice and I can do as much as I want without letting anyone down.

I would say things were going pretty well until recently when I started getting upset more everyday over little things. I’m definitely due a trip to the doctors to talk about how things are going. Thankfully I have a new doctor who knows about mental health and actually knows what he’s talking about. I was also away staying with my boyfriend for a week which was really over due since I hadn’t seen him in four weeks. Unfortunately, it’s my birthday next week and he won’t be able to come and see me since he’s working full time and couldn’t get the day off, I’m not going to lie… I’m heartbroken. He wasn’t there on the day last year but came up the day after, and I wouldn’t have minded if he couldn’t have at all because we had only been dating a few weeks but this year what with everything that’s been happening, it was the one thing I truly wanted. But no matter how much I pout and cry there’s nothing that can be done. He’ll still put in tons of effort as he always does.

If anyone follows my blog or even reads the ‘not so greatly put together’ posts, you might notice that I was having some family problems. They have been somewhat sorted but it’ll never be the same again. The words that were said by the people involved have greatly affected my health. Nothing bad was said about me personally but when it’s aimed at your immediate family it does affect you greatly, as I’m sure everyone will understand. Because of this I have been crying… a lot. I know it’s a normal reaction of mine but I was annoyed with myself because I was feeling good and motivated and it seems like these particular people keep knocking me back down again. Because of this I have decided to not see them for a little while. They need to make an effort with my brother and my mum and until I see that improvement I don’t want to be associated with them. Some may call that harsh and hurtful but they ignored my brother for 3 months without even mentioning his name so I’m sure I can manage just fine.

As for my best friend, I’ve not seen her for nearly 2 months… again. She told me the last time we met up that we’d definitely meet up before I went away to see my boyfriend for a week. I gave her the date I was leaving and I said I was free pretty much everyday, since I’m not working at the moment. She didn’t mention it again. I asked her if she was free and she said she wasn’t. So I was fine with it, she’s got family stuff going on like everyone else but when I see she’s tagged her and her boyfriend in at the cinema or they’re at lunch somewhere it just makes me so mad. Ever since they’ve became official all her time goes into being with him and of course, yeah that does happen but rule number 1 is that you should never forget about your friends; and she has. My boyfriend told me to just ask her if she wants to go for lunch but I point blank refuse to do that since I’ve been the one to ask for about 6 months now and I’m exhausted. Also, the last time we hung out, her boyfriend was away on holiday for a week, so I felt like she was just sat with me because he wasn’t there. And she even said “We should make this lunch count cause who knows when we’ll meet up again!” If I didn’t know any better I would say that she was blowing me off before I even got a chance to make plans with her again.

Anyway, if anyone has read this, I’m fine if no one has, it was purely to let go of some of the negative feelings I’ve been having. Writing about them is so therapeutic; it’s unreal! I hope everyone is well!

Much love and have fun 🙂 x

I understand that we’re all busy with family, work and relationships but seeing friends is also important… So why are mine all rubbish?

Recently I’ve contacted two friends; one I’ve been friends with for 7 years and the other one about a year.

The one I’ve known for 7 years has more interest in seeing her boyfriend and taking way over 24 hours to respond to any of my messages. And the other called me boring because I refuse to talk about my sex life!

In all honesty, I feel like completely giving up. I ask these girls to hang out and I’m met with shitty excuses and peer pressure. It’s the worst feeling in the whole world.

I’ll admit I’m not the best friend in the entire world but if someone needs to talk then I’m always on the other end of the phone and giving advice even if I’m going through a terrible time but when I’m going through a bad time no one wants to listen. So I’ve stopped telling my ‘friends’ when stuff has been going on.

I just don’t know if I can take another one of these times. What hurt most is that my friend of seven years blatantly lied to me one time when I asked if she was free. She said she would need to see if she was working or not and didn’t get back to me. So I messaged her the day before to ask if she was and she said she had the day off but that she was seeing her boyfriend, which I know for a fact she knew all along because they plan to meet up a week in advance. So I’m sat here feeling like shit.

What’s worse is my friend making me feel bad for wanting to move to another place to be with my boyfriend and she says ‘But i’ll never see you!’

You don’t see me now!!

It’s completely frustrating! So instead of spending time with friends I’m having to write about how annoyed I am with them. I really do apologize if anyone reads this but I just seriously needed to rant.

As always;

Much love and have fun 🙂 x

 

Is it sad to name the things I own? I always like giving names to objects or cuddly toys cause it makes them more real in my opinion. When I stay with my boyfriend I always meet this friendly cat that lives down the road. I don’t know her name so I just call her Jessie cat cause that’s what she looks like. She has a number on her collar and I often think about texting her owner and asking what her name is but I think that’s a little too crazy…

Anyway, to the point of this entry. Toshi is my new and beloved laptop. He’s a Toshiba one and my boyfriend, knowing me so well, asked me what I was going to name him but I couldn’t think of anything so he suggested Toshi and here we are!

I bought him at a car boot sale of all places (The laptop not my boyfriend). For anyone who may not know what a car boot sale is, it’s basically where people sell things from their cars. I know it may sound a tad dodgy. My mum personally thought I was mad when I told her I bought Toshi from there. “What if it’s stolen?” She asked. And yeah, that did cross my mind but that’s the risk you have to take with these things. My main worry was that I bought him and he wasn’t going to work very well and I’d have to fix him up a bit but he works a treat. The only thing I need for him now is STICKERS! Every laptop needs an array of quirky fun stickers. Maybe that’s just me but hey!

It’s great having him now because I can watch Game of Thrones (I’m only on season 4, I was very late to this particular party) and obviously write about what a weird person I am because I’m talking about my computer as if he’s an actual person. Also, having the freedom to write about things on actual keyboard is the greatest feeling ever! I don’t even know if anyone reads what I write but I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing about it.

I think me and Toshi are off for a sleep now (I seriously need to stop) but we’ll be back with more silly words. My head is absolutely buzzing with ideas of what to write about but I’m trying to keep to one post a day… if my fingers will let me.

Much love and have fun 🙂 x