Archives for category: Family

I’m writing more and more lately because I feel it’s my only outlet. If I didn’t do this then I would spend the majority of my days not saying how I felt and talking to myself in my room. I still live at home with my parents and my brother but I can’t really talk to them. My dad wouldn’t understand, my mum listens but her problems always seem worse and my brother just wouldn’t have the patience or understanding. So, WordPress, you’re all I’ve got.

As much as my confidence is growing more every week, it’s not always as simple as it seems. For the past 9 days I’ve cried. I’ve sat in my room by myself and I’ve cried. Sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes for as long as an hour. And yes, I have people around me, so why do I feel so alone? Because I do. I’ve spoken many times before about reaching out to people so I can actually talk to another human being but that hasn’t got me anywhere. I was feeling particularly lonely last night so I messaged a few people. One was online and avoided looking at my message, the second didn’t say very much and I got the vibe that they couldn’t be bothered but the third thankfully text me back and we chatted for about an hour but not about anything of interest.

I only really have two friends. One of them hasn’t said much to me lately and the other one will only tag me in memes on Facebook unless they want to talk about themselves. I wish making friends was as easy as it was when you were four. And the sad thing is that 9 times out of 10 I have to be the one to reach out to people. And no one is checking up on me. I’ve gone from having a great support system (my ex) to falling through a vast and endless black hole of loneliness. And even though I’m struggling I still haven’t given up yet, so I guess you can say I’m strong? In the past I would have been back on dating sites by now and talking to a different guy every week trying to fill the emptiness in my soul with something or anything but I’ve chosen not to do that. Doing that only made me feel worse than better but as I sit here feeling I have no real connection with anyone anymore it is tempting.

Ive also been very unwell lately and it’s been dragging me down. Constant visits to the doctors surgery the past couple of months. Soon to be sent to the hospital for tests to find out what’s going on and do you know what the funny thing is? I really don’t care anymore. I don’t really care what else this year has to throw at me because it can’t get any worse, not in my head anyway. I’ve had to fight against everything that’s been shoved in my way and I’m still here.

I guess I’ll keep on going…

It’s a new low when you’re sat watching Big Brother and you start crying because you realise how lonely you are.

And boy, am I lonely!

It’s weird going from talking to the same person a few times a day every day to absolutely nothing. It’s a strange adjustment. One that I’m still not completely comfortable with. And no offense but… other people just aren’t as fun to talk to. Seriously.

I’ve reached out to people and tried to have a conversation with them and it’s like hitting my head against a brick wall… repeatedly. Even my closest friend isn’t saying much to me lately. And my other friend can be pretty tiring. So my choices are, be annoyed or be alone.

Things with my family aren’t any better. Things are stressful at home and problems with other family members has made me really depressed. They don’t put much effort in to keeping in touch with us.. and they live in the same street!

Truly, the only person that I feel connected to and happy after speaking to is Him. Our conversations just flow so easily and he just gets me… he always did.

But that’s the sad thing isn’t it? We can’t always have what makes us happy.

I hope things pick up soon. It’s draining to feel so disappointed in people all the time.

But in the mean time I’ll continue to better myself and meditate often to clear my head.

 

Here’s to staying strong!

 

 

Warning: There will be a mention of the most disgusting swear word in this post.

I’ve spoke before about family problems I had been having with my auntie and my grandmother. Well, things have escalated and I know longer think of them as family.

An incident at Christmas has been twisted and my mum was the victim of countless numbers of emotional and verbal abuse from my aunt. After I write this she will never be called that again.

My other auntie surprised us yesterday with a visit from Ireland which was great because she’s great! And we had some other family members from Ireland going to visit my granny at her house. So my mum went down and was surprised to learn that one of my aunties friends was going to be there to meet these family members. My mum was obviously a bit set back because this particular friend was a part of the malicious gossip about my mum. So she did ask why she was going to be there, to which my aunt replied in the most childish manner ‘Because she’s our pal and she’s allowed if we say so.’ Then they started attacking my mum with all the gossip they had heard. (My mum was supposed to have said something about one of their friends. It’s untrue because this particular night I was next to my mum the whole time and she said nothing of the sort). My mum then left without seeing her family members who were visiting and came home.

She sat down and burst into tears and sat with the most hopeless expression on her face. I had enough. I called my aunt and asked her what had happened. And it was like talking to a sulking teenager. She blamed my mum for everything and started shouting, so I raised my voice at her which she didn’t like but I didn’t let up, I kept talking and made valid points over whatever rubbish she was talking. And then she said it. Or roared it down the phone like the big bully she is. “YOU FUCKING WEE CUNT!!” I had carried on talking before I realised that she had hung up on me.

I was shaking, I burst into tears. I’m still shaking now hours after it happened. I’ve never been spoken to like that in my entire life. Not even the people that bullied me for years shouted at me like that.

And now for the big laugh, my aunt then text my mum 30 minutes later saying the relatives had arrived and asked if she wanted to come down. We were absolutely dumbfounded. This was clearly all for show. This shows what a two faced bully she really is. We’ve also said for years that she has some psychological issues that really need to be treated and not just brushed under the carpet.

So that, ladies and gentlemen is why I am one less auntie down.  I now only have one and to be honest, she’s the best one. She’s fun, supportive and kind.

 

 

Never stay tied to family members who belittle and bully you.

I haven’t wrote in a while and it’s because I’ve been fairly busy trying to sort myself out. My confidence was slipping really badly due to not working and not seeing friends so I’m now volunteering with a great little charity shop not too far from me. Everyone is really nice and I can do as much as I want without letting anyone down.

I would say things were going pretty well until recently when I started getting upset more everyday over little things. I’m definitely due a trip to the doctors to talk about how things are going. Thankfully I have a new doctor who knows about mental health and actually knows what he’s talking about. I was also away staying with my boyfriend for a week which was really over due since I hadn’t seen him in four weeks. Unfortunately, it’s my birthday next week and he won’t be able to come and see me since he’s working full time and couldn’t get the day off, I’m not going to lie… I’m heartbroken. He wasn’t there on the day last year but came up the day after, and I wouldn’t have minded if he couldn’t have at all because we had only been dating a few weeks but this year what with everything that’s been happening, it was the one thing I truly wanted. But no matter how much I pout and cry there’s nothing that can be done. He’ll still put in tons of effort as he always does.

If anyone follows my blog or even reads the ‘not so greatly put together’ posts, you might notice that I was having some family problems. They have been somewhat sorted but it’ll never be the same again. The words that were said by the people involved have greatly affected my health. Nothing bad was said about me personally but when it’s aimed at your immediate family it does affect you greatly, as I’m sure everyone will understand. Because of this I have been crying… a lot. I know it’s a normal reaction of mine but I was annoyed with myself because I was feeling good and motivated and it seems like these particular people keep knocking me back down again. Because of this I have decided to not see them for a little while. They need to make an effort with my brother and my mum and until I see that improvement I don’t want to be associated with them. Some may call that harsh and hurtful but they ignored my brother for 3 months without even mentioning his name so I’m sure I can manage just fine.

As for my best friend, I’ve not seen her for nearly 2 months… again. She told me the last time we met up that we’d definitely meet up before I went away to see my boyfriend for a week. I gave her the date I was leaving and I said I was free pretty much everyday, since I’m not working at the moment. She didn’t mention it again. I asked her if she was free and she said she wasn’t. So I was fine with it, she’s got family stuff going on like everyone else but when I see she’s tagged her and her boyfriend in at the cinema or they’re at lunch somewhere it just makes me so mad. Ever since they’ve became official all her time goes into being with him and of course, yeah that does happen but rule number 1 is that you should never forget about your friends; and she has. My boyfriend told me to just ask her if she wants to go for lunch but I point blank refuse to do that since I’ve been the one to ask for about 6 months now and I’m exhausted. Also, the last time we hung out, her boyfriend was away on holiday for a week, so I felt like she was just sat with me because he wasn’t there. And she even said “We should make this lunch count cause who knows when we’ll meet up again!” If I didn’t know any better I would say that she was blowing me off before I even got a chance to make plans with her again.

Anyway, if anyone has read this, I’m fine if no one has, it was purely to let go of some of the negative feelings I’ve been having. Writing about them is so therapeutic; it’s unreal! I hope everyone is well!

Much love and have fun 🙂 x

My brother, like most peoples brothers or sisters, is annoying as hell.

Sure, sometimes we fight. Even less so now that we’re in our twenties. And his constant chatter about politics and goings on in the world drives me mad.

But I love him.

Not just because he’s my brother and I have to but because I genuinely do. He’s incredibly smart and knows how to build computers were as I can barely switch one on. He loves to play video games, as most guys do, and he enjoys being out in his garden planting flowers and mowing the grass.

My brother has autism.

He’s turning 27 this year and he needs constant care from my mum. He’s not high on the autism spectrum but he has mental health issues on top of that. Depression, anxiety and extreme paranoia.

Ever since I was younger I’ve had to stick up for him because people didn’t understand. They always thought he was a trouble maker. Being a young boy, he probably was but most of what they didn’t understand was his autism. Like most people my brother doesn’t understand when a stranger is joking. He didn’t fully understand sarcasm until he was about 24 and even now he might not. With me and other family members he will understand if we’re joking because we make it obvious enough for him to understand.

Now, I don’t want to bash any family members here but I am just so downright angry with them and I’m really writing this to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.

A family friend made a comment about my brothers parking, his car is his pride and joy, and this woman claimed to be joking. I know this woman very well and she doesn’t have a nice thing to say about anyone. She will say things in a funny and jokey manner but we all know she’s being serious. So when she said this ‘joke’ my brother took it seriously, judging by the look on her face. He then decided to confront her and told her to not speak to him like that to which he got a ‘Fuck off’ and a door in his face. My brother also told her where to go. This woman’s brother then told my brother not to speak to HER like that.

This woman is very close to my grandmother and auntie who live down the street from us and she was quick to call them to let them know what happened, instead of speaking to my mum who is my brothers carer. My mum, later that night, tried speaking to my grandmother about the situation but was told that ‘you are all mad’ so my mum hung up the phone. The next day my brother tried speaking to my grandmother and auntie about it and they said ‘We don’t want to talk about it.’

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this.

So, naturally, like anyone would, my brother got hot tempered and started shouting. And yes, he did name call but he was so angry that his own family wouldn’t listen to him. I would be too, show me someone who wouldn’t! And since then he hasn’t been allowed down to their house. They told my mum they would need a few weeks for things to cool down…

Seven weeks later…

Still no change. They haven’t even asked how my brother is and anytime we mention him it’s quickly moved onto a different subject or goes completely silent. I’m just so disgusted and heart broken for my brother. He only has one friend, and that is a man who used to be his befriender with an autism programme. When the man finished the programme and went onto other things he still saw my brother. And he still does to this day even though he has a son and wife with another baby on the way. This man shows my brother more respect and courtesy than his own family.

I’m not looking for advice on how to deal with my family but if there is anyone out there who has experienced this. Please contact me. I want to know if anyone has had family that’s done this to them and how you’ve handled it.

 

Many thanks for reading.

Much love and Have fun 🙂 x