I’ve not always been fat, at least I didn’t think so until I saw photos of my younger self recently and I realised I was definitely a lot chubbier than most kids. But I wasn’t unhealthy or inactive. I was always running about and playing outside with friends. Playing games, rollerblading, going to the park, riding my bike etc. If I did ever eat unhealthily it was with the £1 I was given by my mum to go to the shops.

When I was ten things started to change in school. I had one best friend at school but no one at my school lived nearby so I had different friends at home. When I was ten my best friend started to change and she wanted to hang about with the other girls and talk about boys and make up and girly things. I was very much a tomboy and I liked films and playing games but they didn’t. Because I lost my best friend I just followed the other girls about. They would walk in a line next to one another and I would trail behind. It was absolutely awful. And because of this I started missing school. I hated it. I didn’t mind the work because I was quite a smart kid but feeling invisible every day made me feel sick. The teachers didn’t really care. I tried to explain to them how I felt and they didn’t understand or even try to help me out. This obviously followed me into High school.

With every year I got bigger because people were making fun of me and I was spending too much time on my own. We also moved house a year later and instead of being ignored I was thrown to lions because where we moved to was full of people who loved to make fun of my size and shout at me from moving cars calling me ‘Fat’. Like I didn’t already know…

Despite all this I made great new friends and even got myself my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. But I was getting bigger all the time. I was taken to dieticians and people in hospitals who made me feel terrible about my size. All this while still not going to school and getting home schooled once a week. The whole time I didn’t even know but I had depression. I self harmed and I cried all the time but I wasn’t given any help. If anything, I was a pain and people didn’t have time for me.

Skipping to the age of 23 and things are pretty much the same. I’m extremely overweight even having dropped 3 stone. I had lost 4 stone 5 but put some back on. I’m currently at slimming world but my weight has been so up and down the past year I don’t think it’s helping and at £5 a week I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. After speaking to my boyfriend and my mum I’ve decided that I’m going to ask the doctor for help. I don’t want surgery or a gastric band or any of that rubbish, I just want help. I want someone to write me out a plan to give me structure and routine and to tell me what I can and can’t eat on certain days. If only I could pay someone to live in my house and tell me to get my shoes on cause we’re going out for a walk. One can dream.

I tried so hard before dieting to be ‘body positive’ and it just didn’t work for me since I don’t like my body. I couldn’t lie to myself no matter how hard I tried. I envy the girls that can do it. I loved the idea of it but the more I saw these girls photos and even spoke to some of them, I realised that I wasn’t happy. When I walk down the street the girl I see inside my head and what I think others see isn’t what I look like right now. But I know one day it will be.

I think I’ve just reached that age where I want this weight off now. I want to be able to look at myself and actually like what I see instead of trying to be optimistic. I want to go into a clothes store and try things on without wanting to burst into tears. I want to, at some point, start a family and actually be fit enough to look after them. I would love to play with my children and run about with them instead of being the unfit parent who sits on the bench and watches.

I know it will be a long road and considering my age, it’ll be pretty much up and down from now on and I’m willing to live with that. I just want a massive chunk of weight off my body and I’ll decide what to do from there.

Thanks to anyone who has read this.

Much love and have fun 🙂 x

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