Archives for category: Break Up

I’ve had an eventful week to say the least. It’s also probably been the longest and most emotionally draining week I’ve had for a while. Let’s start with the good shall we?

GOOD – Always start with something positive i suppose. This week i went to the gym 3 times, burning at least 1,000 calories each time and went for long walks on the days in between. I’ve been feeling a lot fitter and can definitely see a change in myself. Especially in my legs since i use the bike and treadmill every time i go. I also went into town and bought myself a new top, which looked really good on me.

And i did the unthinkable and went into town with my friend and did a bit of day drinking. It was a positive thing for me because i haven’t done it in well over a year so i was really proud of myself. Unfortunately, my closest friend couldn’t make it so i feel like i couldn’t really enjoy myself as i’m not as close with my other friend. But i still enjoyed it all the same.

 

BAD – Okay, here we go. On the 11th it would have been me and my ex boyfriends 2 year anniversary, if we had stayed together. That day i was in town so i was occupied but it still upset me. I thought about how we might have spent it. In our new wee flat, cuddled on the couch… maybe watching a film. It made me sad because it was a day i was looking forward to the most this year because it would have been our first one together properly living in the same place. But life is funny i guess. Yesterday was a hard day. We spoke on the phone and i explained that i’m struggling with the break up despite doing and having positive changes. I told him i still loved him and he said nothing back to me. Of course it annoyed me but i can’t be mad if he feels different now. I asked him out right if he wanted to be with me again at any point and he said no. It didn’t hurt as much as i thought, i don’t know why. I guess i still think he’s trying to be strong and not say anything to lead me on, i think he does feel the same way. I had asked him to block my number because i can’t handle the fact that sometimes when i contact him he ignores me for days. The conversation ended badly and dramatically. I told him he’d regret saying he didn’t want to be with me and i told him to have a nice life. I regretted it. I asked my mum to text him to ask if he could contact me because i hate leaving things with people on a sour note. He said he would call today… and he hasn’t.

I can’t carry on like this. I put a lot of effort into people and i get nothing back in return. I never thought he would be on that list of people but he is now.

 

LONELY – I was so lonely tonight i went onto an internet chat room. Not for dating or anything, just for talking to people. I lasted 10 minutes. I clicked exit when a guy asked ‘ What kind of guys are you into?’. The Answer? My ex boyfriend, please. I always talk about feeling lonely and feeling like i don’t connect with anyone anymore and it’s still true. I’m fucking miserable. I feel like Rose in Titanic when she tells Jack of feeling like she’s standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of her lungs and no one even looks up. Also, my cousins wifes brother died suddenly the other day. He took a heroin overdose. I didn’t know him personally and had never met him but i was friends with him on facebook. It was lovely to see people posting on his facebook and talking so positively about him and sharing heart warming photos. But it got me thinking, if i disappeared, would anyone care? Obviously people would but i would hate the fakeness of it all. People who knew me for a year and didn’t think i was good enough to stay in touch with talking about that one night out we were out together which resulted in us being facebook friends but never speaking again.

I guess i should be thankful. I’m still here and i’m alive but i do genuinely feel like i’m dead inside. A part of me died when my ex said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. The only person i’ve had such a strong connection with doesn’t even want me around.

 

And to be honest, i’d rather not be here.

I’m writing more and more lately because I feel it’s my only outlet. If I didn’t do this then I would spend the majority of my days not saying how I felt and talking to myself in my room. I still live at home with my parents and my brother but I can’t really talk to them. My dad wouldn’t understand, my mum listens but her problems always seem worse and my brother just wouldn’t have the patience or understanding. So, WordPress, you’re all I’ve got.

As much as my confidence is growing more every week, it’s not always as simple as it seems. For the past 9 days I’ve cried. I’ve sat in my room by myself and I’ve cried. Sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes for as long as an hour. And yes, I have people around me, so why do I feel so alone? Because I do. I’ve spoken many times before about reaching out to people so I can actually talk to another human being but that hasn’t got me anywhere. I was feeling particularly lonely last night so I messaged a few people. One was online and avoided looking at my message, the second didn’t say very much and I got the vibe that they couldn’t be bothered but the third thankfully text me back and we chatted for about an hour but not about anything of interest.

I only really have two friends. One of them hasn’t said much to me lately and the other one will only tag me in memes on Facebook unless they want to talk about themselves. I wish making friends was as easy as it was when you were four. And the sad thing is that 9 times out of 10 I have to be the one to reach out to people. And no one is checking up on me. I’ve gone from having a great support system (my ex) to falling through a vast and endless black hole of loneliness. And even though I’m struggling I still haven’t given up yet, so I guess you can say I’m strong? In the past I would have been back on dating sites by now and talking to a different guy every week trying to fill the emptiness in my soul with something or anything but I’ve chosen not to do that. Doing that only made me feel worse than better but as I sit here feeling I have no real connection with anyone anymore it is tempting.

Ive also been very unwell lately and it’s been dragging me down. Constant visits to the doctors surgery the past couple of months. Soon to be sent to the hospital for tests to find out what’s going on and do you know what the funny thing is? I really don’t care anymore. I don’t really care what else this year has to throw at me because it can’t get any worse, not in my head anyway. I’ve had to fight against everything that’s been shoved in my way and I’m still here.

I guess I’ll keep on going…

It’s a new low when you’re sat watching Big Brother and you start crying because you realise how lonely you are.

And boy, am I lonely!

It’s weird going from talking to the same person a few times a day every day to absolutely nothing. It’s a strange adjustment. One that I’m still not completely comfortable with. And no offense but… other people just aren’t as fun to talk to. Seriously.

I’ve reached out to people and tried to have a conversation with them and it’s like hitting my head against a brick wall… repeatedly. Even my closest friend isn’t saying much to me lately. And my other friend can be pretty tiring. So my choices are, be annoyed or be alone.

Things with my family aren’t any better. Things are stressful at home and problems with other family members has made me really depressed. They don’t put much effort in to keeping in touch with us.. and they live in the same street!

Truly, the only person that I feel connected to and happy after speaking to is Him. Our conversations just flow so easily and he just gets me… he always did.

But that’s the sad thing isn’t it? We can’t always have what makes us happy.

I hope things pick up soon. It’s draining to feel so disappointed in people all the time.

But in the mean time I’ll continue to better myself and meditate often to clear my head.

 

Here’s to staying strong!

 

 

I had a dream about him last night.

We were sleeping next to each other and I reached out for him and he cuddled my hand like he always did. And I really could feel him. His hair and his tshirt. His soft beard against my hand.

And then everything got dark. He was scared and then… he was gone. And it was like those scenes in Stranger Things where Joyce knows that Will is alive and she can feel his presence but can’t see him. And I prayed that the fairy lights on my wall would flicker just to tell me that he was there.

And then he was.

He was locked in some kind of basement and I could see him but he wasn’t in my house. We could communicate to each other. And he was in so much distress and he was crying. Frantically looking up trying to find my voice. Trying to find me.

Then he screamed and he was gone again.

And later in the dream I looked out of the window and there was thousands of stars in the sky and they were so bright. The brightest I’ve ever seen. And shooting stars too!

 

I made every wish for him.

To a quote a line from the Friends theme song; ‘I’ll be there for you.’

Well i must have been abducted by aliens or kidnapped by a travelling circus because my ‘best friend’ hasn’t seen me since my life took a nose dive into the seventh circle of hell.

Yes, i know people have their own lives and work and then have to find time to socialise somewhere in between.

It’s been nearly six weeks since everything happened and she was the first person i phoned. The only person i phoned to be honest. And she was in disbelief and saying how sad it was and if i wanted to hang out and watch bad movies then all i had to do was ask…

I’ve been asking. For the past six weeks. And she’s cancelled on me twice. Or asked to see her boyfriend instead of me.

My anxiety has been awful since everything changed. I was so confident before and now i’m like a dehydrated bee crawling on the ground and wishing someone would come to my aid… or squish me. I’m not fussed at this point. I had asked my friend if she would come to my part of the city, she lives on the other side and we usually meet in the middle, because i’m literally a mess when i get into town. It’s too busy and i start to panic whenever someone looks at me. I even said i would pay her bus fare, which i shouldn’t really have to do. Any friend would be like, ‘Nuh uh, i’ll be there. What time? What dress code? What planet?’ So why isn’t she doing that? 

Normally i would go into a complete rant here but i don’t have the energy. All i know is, if it was the other way around i would be more than accommodating.  You’d think she’d say to her boyfriend, ‘Listen, i’m not gonna see you this week cause i’m gonna go see my best friend. She needs me right now.’ But i guess life isn’t a fairy tale, as i found out this year.

The sad truth is; my best friend is him.

I can’t even call him what he is (ex boyfriend). Because i don’t think that sums up what he was to me. Or still is, i don’t really know. But he is, without a doubt, my best friend. He gives the best advice, we can talk about anything, we like the same TV shows, movies etc. And i guess that’s what makes this so hard. Because what if i can’t have that anymore? Understandably, the romantic relationship is over but i still want everything else.

And no wonder, since my other friend hasn’t even bothered to come and see me and doesn’t ask how i’m getting on.

I really hope i don’t spend too much longer in this depressive state of writing and things start turning around. I’ve had my fair share of grief this year and we’re only in May.

 

Aliens? Please abduct me. 

They say, “All good things come to those who wait.”

I waited.

But they also say, “All good things must come to an end.”

It ended… or did it?

Are things really over for good? Do things really come to an ending? People would say that, yes they do. When you die everything ends. Everything ends for you but not for the people that you left behind. And while i’m not talking about the death of a person, i am talking about the death of a relationship.

And yes, as i write this i am listening to sad songs to really bring out the depressive state that i’m pushing myself further into. Don’t worry though, i’m okay. And even if i wasn’t, i will be.

I want to write about him.

I know that a few people will be reading this and thinking that i will find love somewhere else because it always comes around. I know that it does. This isn’t about that.

Our relationship ended. It wasn’t bad. No one hurt the other person but obviously no relationship is perfect. We both had our fair share of emotional baggage and if it wasn’t for that i suppose everything would be fine.

If.

It’s only been a few weeks and we’re giving each other space, which is the hardest thing ever. No calls, texts, late night skype calls. Maybe never a friendly hug ever again, who knows. But the thing is, with me and him, our connection was so strong. If we had been friends when we were younger we would still be the best of friends now. That’s how close we are… were? We would sometimes talk about the “What if we broke up?” scenario and we agreed that we would both want to remain friends because we couldn’t imagine our lives without the other in it.

But.

Can people really stay friends after a break up? And if they can’t is it because the other person treated them so badly or is it because they know they’re meant to be together but they’re too afraid to try again?

Time away from him has made me see that he wasn’t perfect. And i wasn’t perfect. And we have some big issues of our own to sort out, separately. But there’s also things i want us to deal with together. I want us to grow together, i want us to become better versions of ourselves, i want to have all the good times and bad times together. I want us to stand together in front of every battle in life, hold hands and charge at it.

Together.

But that’s what i want and If he wants something else then us being Together might never happen.

But things are never really over. Because you think about it when you least expect it. You think about how things might have turned out if you had done something differently or never met someone. And you think that they never think about it. But i bet they do.

 

The End…?