Archives for category: anxiety

I’ve had an eventful week to say the least. It’s also probably been the longest and most emotionally draining week I’ve had for a while. Let’s start with the good shall we?

GOOD – Always start with something positive i suppose. This week i went to the gym 3 times, burning at least 1,000 calories each time and went for long walks on the days in between. I’ve been feeling a lot fitter and can definitely see a change in myself. Especially in my legs since i use the bike and treadmill every time i go. I also went into town and bought myself a new top, which looked really good on me.

And i did the unthinkable and went into town with my friend and did a bit of day drinking. It was a positive thing for me because i haven’t done it in well over a year so i was really proud of myself. Unfortunately, my closest friend couldn’t make it so i feel like i couldn’t really enjoy myself as i’m not as close with my other friend. But i still enjoyed it all the same.

 

BAD – Okay, here we go. On the 11th it would have been me and my ex boyfriends 2 year anniversary, if we had stayed together. That day i was in town so i was occupied but it still upset me. I thought about how we might have spent it. In our new wee flat, cuddled on the couch… maybe watching a film. It made me sad because it was a day i was looking forward to the most this year because it would have been our first one together properly living in the same place. But life is funny i guess. Yesterday was a hard day. We spoke on the phone and i explained that i’m struggling with the break up despite doing and having positive changes. I told him i still loved him and he said nothing back to me. Of course it annoyed me but i can’t be mad if he feels different now. I asked him out right if he wanted to be with me again at any point and he said no. It didn’t hurt as much as i thought, i don’t know why. I guess i still think he’s trying to be strong and not say anything to lead me on, i think he does feel the same way. I had asked him to block my number because i can’t handle the fact that sometimes when i contact him he ignores me for days. The conversation ended badly and dramatically. I told him he’d regret saying he didn’t want to be with me and i told him to have a nice life. I regretted it. I asked my mum to text him to ask if he could contact me because i hate leaving things with people on a sour note. He said he would call today… and he hasn’t.

I can’t carry on like this. I put a lot of effort into people and i get nothing back in return. I never thought he would be on that list of people but he is now.

 

LONELY – I was so lonely tonight i went onto an internet chat room. Not for dating or anything, just for talking to people. I lasted 10 minutes. I clicked exit when a guy asked ‘ What kind of guys are you into?’. The Answer? My ex boyfriend, please. I always talk about feeling lonely and feeling like i don’t connect with anyone anymore and it’s still true. I’m fucking miserable. I feel like Rose in Titanic when she tells Jack of feeling like she’s standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of her lungs and no one even looks up. Also, my cousins wifes brother died suddenly the other day. He took a heroin overdose. I didn’t know him personally and had never met him but i was friends with him on facebook. It was lovely to see people posting on his facebook and talking so positively about him and sharing heart warming photos. But it got me thinking, if i disappeared, would anyone care? Obviously people would but i would hate the fakeness of it all. People who knew me for a year and didn’t think i was good enough to stay in touch with talking about that one night out we were out together which resulted in us being facebook friends but never speaking again.

I guess i should be thankful. I’m still here and i’m alive but i do genuinely feel like i’m dead inside. A part of me died when my ex said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. The only person i’ve had such a strong connection with doesn’t even want me around.

 

And to be honest, i’d rather not be here.

I’m writing more and more lately because I feel it’s my only outlet. If I didn’t do this then I would spend the majority of my days not saying how I felt and talking to myself in my room. I still live at home with my parents and my brother but I can’t really talk to them. My dad wouldn’t understand, my mum listens but her problems always seem worse and my brother just wouldn’t have the patience or understanding. So, WordPress, you’re all I’ve got.

As much as my confidence is growing more every week, it’s not always as simple as it seems. For the past 9 days I’ve cried. I’ve sat in my room by myself and I’ve cried. Sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes for as long as an hour. And yes, I have people around me, so why do I feel so alone? Because I do. I’ve spoken many times before about reaching out to people so I can actually talk to another human being but that hasn’t got me anywhere. I was feeling particularly lonely last night so I messaged a few people. One was online and avoided looking at my message, the second didn’t say very much and I got the vibe that they couldn’t be bothered but the third thankfully text me back and we chatted for about an hour but not about anything of interest.

I only really have two friends. One of them hasn’t said much to me lately and the other one will only tag me in memes on Facebook unless they want to talk about themselves. I wish making friends was as easy as it was when you were four. And the sad thing is that 9 times out of 10 I have to be the one to reach out to people. And no one is checking up on me. I’ve gone from having a great support system (my ex) to falling through a vast and endless black hole of loneliness. And even though I’m struggling I still haven’t given up yet, so I guess you can say I’m strong? In the past I would have been back on dating sites by now and talking to a different guy every week trying to fill the emptiness in my soul with something or anything but I’ve chosen not to do that. Doing that only made me feel worse than better but as I sit here feeling I have no real connection with anyone anymore it is tempting.

Ive also been very unwell lately and it’s been dragging me down. Constant visits to the doctors surgery the past couple of months. Soon to be sent to the hospital for tests to find out what’s going on and do you know what the funny thing is? I really don’t care anymore. I don’t really care what else this year has to throw at me because it can’t get any worse, not in my head anyway. I’ve had to fight against everything that’s been shoved in my way and I’m still here.

I guess I’ll keep on going…

So today was a small breakthrough for me…

I woke up and my mums cold had gotten worse and I already knew before she said it that she wouldn’t be going to the gym. So I went BY MYSELF!!

I say small breakthrough because I was able to do this by myself before Christmas but obviously because life took a little tumble recently I didn’t think I could do it. I got the bus down and went straight in. 12 minutes on the bike and 18 minutes on the treadmill. I can even run on the treadmill for a little bit. I do short bursts until I burn about 5 calories and then I walk for 10 calories.

Ill be weighing myself next week to see if I’ve lost any weight this month. Even if I haven’t I know I’ve done something right cause my body looks a lot better than It did a couple of months ago. I even went shopping after the gym too! My confidence is really growing and the meditation and relaxation techniques that I’m doing every day is really helping.

The true challenge to my new found confidence will be a night out next month. It won’t be anything big but my cousin will be here and she’s like a size 10 and gorgeous but hey, if she’s with me then no one will be looking at me when they’re too busy looking at her! Hopefully I’ll have more weight off by that point and feeling much better than I am now.

 

Sending good vibes to everyone!

I did something incredible yesterday. Maybe it wouldn’t be to some but to me it was everything! I had lost so much confidence the last couple of months and I’ve been clawing my way back to being confident.

I’ve been going to the gym 3 times a week and going out for walks on the days in between. And yesterday I finally felt confident enough to… go into town! My mum came with me because there was a shop we wanted to go to. On my way to said shop there was a dip in the pavement and naturally I went over on my ankle, which I always do, and gracefully crashed into a bus stop pole! Luckily it was there or I would have fell flat on my face. All this happened in front of a couple standing outside a shop, which would have embarrassed me but I just laughed it off.

Afterwards, I was going to meet my friend for lunch. And the pub we were meeting in got busier and busier as the day went on but I didn’t let it affect me. And even afterwards crossing the road to my bus stop, I ran for my bus before it drove off. I RAN FOR MY BUS IN TOWN FULL OF PEOPLE! Where has this side of me been hiding?

I’ve been feeling much better lately because I’ve been eating less and working out. I’ve also been reading up on relaxation and meditation techniques. I take a few minutes a day to just sit in silence and shut my eyes and concentrate on breathing. It really helps to clear my head, especially if I’m stressed. Seeing my friends more is also helping. Even if it’s just texting them. It’s nice to know that there is other people in my life who still care about me.

All in all, I’m slowly getting back to normal and maybe even better than before.

 

Just remember to breathe.

If you’ve not heard of 13 Reasons Why then you’re not on social media much.

I came across it when I logged onto Netflix one day and saw the thumbnail for it. I read the description and I was instantly intrigued and because it’s natural to watch a whole season in a couple of days, that’s exactly what I did. Unfortunately, it was only a couple of weeks after my break up and I was in a very depressive state so it wasn’t the best thing to watch. But now that I’m in a better place I feel better about writing about it.

So, as I said I watched it all within a matter of days and I cried through the whole last episode. I have never been able to relate to something more in my entire life. So many things that Hannah Baker went through, I’ve been in the same position, as a lot of people have I assume. And because of this, I didn’t feel completely alone. Others have gone through similar experiences and felt the same way I have. And most of us have survived it. But what about the others that haven’t?

I read somewhere and I wholeheartedly agree that it should be watched in schools. It needs to be recognised that a single word could set off a domino effect of chaos in someone’s life. The one thing you said to someone on maybe the worst day of their life could be the last straw for them. We need to start teaching young people that it’s not okay to spread rumours about someone. That we need to build each other up not tear each other down. Also, that teachers or guidance counsellors need to do more if a student is having signs of depression or anxiety.

When I was 10 I was having a really difficult time st school. It all started when my best friend started hanging about with the other girls and not talking to me as much. After that I had no one to talk to at school, I was completely alone. I started staying home more and if I had to go into school then I’d come home for lunch, which was handy because I didn’t stay too far away. Even then I tried to tell the teachers that I didn’t feel comfortable in school but they didn’t understand. This carried on into High School which was even worse. It was a bigger school, 10 times bigger than my other school and I had no one to talk to. I eventually left and went to another school with children like me but if I didn’t do that, would I still be here?

After watching the Netflix show I realised it was a book. And while I was away on my short break to Ireland to see my family and try to mend my broken heart (healing process is going okay if you’re wondering) I decided to buy the book. I’ve been reading books non stop since the break up and had them all lined up and 13 Reasons Why was the last one. (For now) And it frustrated me to no end. Hannah could have tried harder to get help, go to a doctor or something for help. I know how she felt though, like she couldn’t turn to anyone and she didn’t want to bother her parents because they were stressed with other things. Oh my god, I can understand that!

Anyway, I don’t want to ramble too much. If you haven’t read the book or watched the show on Netflix then I suggest you do.

Stay strong my bees x

 

To a quote a line from the Friends theme song; ‘I’ll be there for you.’

Well i must have been abducted by aliens or kidnapped by a travelling circus because my ‘best friend’ hasn’t seen me since my life took a nose dive into the seventh circle of hell.

Yes, i know people have their own lives and work and then have to find time to socialise somewhere in between.

It’s been nearly six weeks since everything happened and she was the first person i phoned. The only person i phoned to be honest. And she was in disbelief and saying how sad it was and if i wanted to hang out and watch bad movies then all i had to do was ask…

I’ve been asking. For the past six weeks. And she’s cancelled on me twice. Or asked to see her boyfriend instead of me.

My anxiety has been awful since everything changed. I was so confident before and now i’m like a dehydrated bee crawling on the ground and wishing someone would come to my aid… or squish me. I’m not fussed at this point. I had asked my friend if she would come to my part of the city, she lives on the other side and we usually meet in the middle, because i’m literally a mess when i get into town. It’s too busy and i start to panic whenever someone looks at me. I even said i would pay her bus fare, which i shouldn’t really have to do. Any friend would be like, ‘Nuh uh, i’ll be there. What time? What dress code? What planet?’ So why isn’t she doing that? 

Normally i would go into a complete rant here but i don’t have the energy. All i know is, if it was the other way around i would be more than accommodating.  You’d think she’d say to her boyfriend, ‘Listen, i’m not gonna see you this week cause i’m gonna go see my best friend. She needs me right now.’ But i guess life isn’t a fairy tale, as i found out this year.

The sad truth is; my best friend is him.

I can’t even call him what he is (ex boyfriend). Because i don’t think that sums up what he was to me. Or still is, i don’t really know. But he is, without a doubt, my best friend. He gives the best advice, we can talk about anything, we like the same TV shows, movies etc. And i guess that’s what makes this so hard. Because what if i can’t have that anymore? Understandably, the romantic relationship is over but i still want everything else.

And no wonder, since my other friend hasn’t even bothered to come and see me and doesn’t ask how i’m getting on.

I really hope i don’t spend too much longer in this depressive state of writing and things start turning around. I’ve had my fair share of grief this year and we’re only in May.

 

Aliens? Please abduct me. 

The same old questions pop up. Can you trust him? How can you stand to be apart for so long? But don’t you just want to jump into bed with someone else?

In short.

Yes.

It’s difficult but we’re working towards being together and building a life with one another. This is just temporary.

And no. Cause I’m loyal as fuck and there’s no one like him.

Trust me, I was dubious about the whole thing. I had fallen for a couple of guys when I was younger who lived far away and it didn’t work out well…. one had a girlfriend and the other had several girls on his hook (Which wasn’t as big as he thought it was).

But when me and my boyfriend first started talking it felt like I was talking to my best friend. He had only been out of a 2 and a half year relationship for 4 months, which was awful and dragged on for at least a year more than it should have. And I was being fucked about by some guy who told me that I was well on my way to becoming his girlfriend. Uh huh. So we talked and talked for days just by text and then we decided to talk face to face on Skype. The first time didn’t go smoothly because he had trouble with his computer, which I thought was an excuse and I was convinced he was gonna throw me aside like every other guy, but he didn’t. We did Skype for about half an hour but the signal was bad so he called me and we spoke on the phone for 3 hours. He sorted his computer problems and we skyped every night that week. And sometimes all we would do is look at each other and I knew then that I was in love with him. Little did I know but he was in love with me too and had been since our first conversation basically!!

Less than a month later he travelled up to see me with his friends who purposely booked a weekend break where I live just so he could tag along and meet me. And that was it! We’ve been together a year now! And yeah, it’s been tough as hell. There’s a lot of time spent apart and a lot of it spent looking at him on a computer screen but like I said at the beginning, it’s only temporary. I’ll be moving down to be with him by the end of this year, since he has studies and can’t move at the moment, or at the very least the beginning of next year.

It’s difficult for us both because we both have depression and anxiety and sometimes it feels like when one of us is up, the other one is down. But we help each other. We comfort each other. He’s my best friend. My boyfriend. And the absolute love of my life.

I’m writing this to show that long distance love really can work. Because that’s what it takes – A LOT of WORK! The loving each other comes easy and nothing can change that. But working around jobs and social lives to make time to talk to the other person could be challenging. Me and my boyfriend don’t really have social lives cause we’re socially awkward but hey, that’s just us 😛 We’re lucky in a sense because we see each other every few weeks. I don’t know how people who are long distance across oceans handle it. You guys are the true heroes in this situation!

I guess I’ll stop rambling about my boyfriend… for now.

Much love and Have fun 🙂 x

I’ve not always been fat, at least I didn’t think so until I saw photos of my younger self recently and I realised I was definitely a lot chubbier than most kids. But I wasn’t unhealthy or inactive. I was always running about and playing outside with friends. Playing games, rollerblading, going to the park, riding my bike etc. If I did ever eat unhealthily it was with the £1 I was given by my mum to go to the shops.

When I was ten things started to change in school. I had one best friend at school but no one at my school lived nearby so I had different friends at home. When I was ten my best friend started to change and she wanted to hang about with the other girls and talk about boys and make up and girly things. I was very much a tomboy and I liked films and playing games but they didn’t. Because I lost my best friend I just followed the other girls about. They would walk in a line next to one another and I would trail behind. It was absolutely awful. And because of this I started missing school. I hated it. I didn’t mind the work because I was quite a smart kid but feeling invisible every day made me feel sick. The teachers didn’t really care. I tried to explain to them how I felt and they didn’t understand or even try to help me out. This obviously followed me into High school.

With every year I got bigger because people were making fun of me and I was spending too much time on my own. We also moved house a year later and instead of being ignored I was thrown to lions because where we moved to was full of people who loved to make fun of my size and shout at me from moving cars calling me ‘Fat’. Like I didn’t already know…

Despite all this I made great new friends and even got myself my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. But I was getting bigger all the time. I was taken to dieticians and people in hospitals who made me feel terrible about my size. All this while still not going to school and getting home schooled once a week. The whole time I didn’t even know but I had depression. I self harmed and I cried all the time but I wasn’t given any help. If anything, I was a pain and people didn’t have time for me.

Skipping to the age of 23 and things are pretty much the same. I’m extremely overweight even having dropped 3 stone. I had lost 4 stone 5 but put some back on. I’m currently at slimming world but my weight has been so up and down the past year I don’t think it’s helping and at £5 a week I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. After speaking to my boyfriend and my mum I’ve decided that I’m going to ask the doctor for help. I don’t want surgery or a gastric band or any of that rubbish, I just want help. I want someone to write me out a plan to give me structure and routine and to tell me what I can and can’t eat on certain days. If only I could pay someone to live in my house and tell me to get my shoes on cause we’re going out for a walk. One can dream.

I tried so hard before dieting to be ‘body positive’ and it just didn’t work for me since I don’t like my body. I couldn’t lie to myself no matter how hard I tried. I envy the girls that can do it. I loved the idea of it but the more I saw these girls photos and even spoke to some of them, I realised that I wasn’t happy. When I walk down the street the girl I see inside my head and what I think others see isn’t what I look like right now. But I know one day it will be.

I think I’ve just reached that age where I want this weight off now. I want to be able to look at myself and actually like what I see instead of trying to be optimistic. I want to go into a clothes store and try things on without wanting to burst into tears. I want to, at some point, start a family and actually be fit enough to look after them. I would love to play with my children and run about with them instead of being the unfit parent who sits on the bench and watches.

I know it will be a long road and considering my age, it’ll be pretty much up and down from now on and I’m willing to live with that. I just want a massive chunk of weight off my body and I’ll decide what to do from there.

Thanks to anyone who has read this.

Much love and have fun 🙂 x

I’m 23 nearly 24 and I’ve been self harming since I was 13. On and off depending on how bad I was at the time. And I’ve had a good run this past while, I hadn’t self harmed for about a year and a half… until this afternoon.

I woke up in a complete state, anxious and panicking about everything and this has been happening on and off for the past month and every single time it’s happened I’ve thought about self harming and I haven’t done it. Well, today I had enough. I did it.

And I don’t feel ashamed.

I spoke to my boyfriend afterwards and he reassured me that everything was okay and the fact that I hadn’t done it in so long and it got the better of me today was just a small defeat.

It is so refreshing to have that response instead of the usual anger and look of pity on peoples faces that I usually get.

I just want to note that I’m not glorifying self harm here. I’m not saying ‘Here ya go kids, here’s an outlet for ya’. No way. It is the worst thing ever to do to yourself and it hurts like hell. I didn’t do it too badly today, just enough to stop everything whizzing around in my brain. It’s an awful thing to do to your body, because our bodies are beautiful. And I wish every time I’m having a rough week or month that I had a better outlet. My outlet is usually food and that’s not good either. I wish I could switch it to spending too much money on make up to cheer myself up or go clothes shopping but I don’t because none of that interests me.

I guess I’m rambling here and I’m sorry for anyone who is reading this but that’s just the way I am. It’s good to talk about it, even though no one is saying anything back.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t feel bad if you slip up and do the thing that’s your outlet, whether it be drink, spending too much money, breaking dishes in the kitchen or even shouting at someone. It happens to us all. Just make sure you pick yourself up afterwards and ask someone for a hug if you need it or even just make yourself a cup of coffee. I know it sounds cliché, but tomorrow is a new day.

Everything is going to be fine.

 

Much love and have fun 🙂 x