Archives for the month of: July, 2017

People say time is a healer. Well, if that’s the case can i have my money back? Or can someone speed up the process for me?

The end of this month will be the 4th month since my ex ended things with me. And as much as everything else in my life, apart from a couple of things, are working even better than before, i’m still sad. Not all day every day but every single day i wake up and he’s the first thing i think about. And he’s the last thing i think about at night. I’m really not torturing myself, trust me. I really can’t help it.

I’ve been working really hard at the gym and my body is starting to shape itself in a way that i like so i’m feeling super positive about that. I’ve started talking to more people… kind of. Might just be empty conversation but at least it’s real life human beings. I’m more confident when i go out now which is also amazing since a couple of months ago i was scared to leave the house by myself. And even though things are getting better, i’m still utterly heart broken.

I’ve tried thinking back to a time where i felt worse or things were harder and i can, don’t get me wrong, but none of those times felt as bad as this. I just genuinely feel like a part of my soul is missing. I mean, i’m even crying while writing this, that’s how hard it is. I see people online or on TV shows talking about their ex partners and they always say all these nasty things or make jokes about them but i can’t talk about him like that. Because even though he wasn’t perfect – he was perfect for me. We had met online and the first time i saw his face in his little photo this feeling just washed over me, like a literally wave and i knew from that moment that he was The One. Laugh all you want but i’ve never had that feeling before, and that’s not to say i won’t have it again. But honestly, i think you only ever get one ‘The One’. I’m sure a guy will come along eventually but he’ll probably be like half a one. Three quarters at the most.

I haven’t spoken to him in over a week. I had asked him to block my number so i wouldn’t be tempted to text him because the desire to was too much. And even though he said he wasn’t, some times he was ignoring me. One time really but it was for two weeks. I had called and left a voicemail a couple of times, i had a really bad week. And even though i spoke to other friends i wanted to speak to him. But i’ve had no response. Which i know is for the best.

I had asked him if he could ever see himself being with me again and he said no. I expected it but i just couldn’t believe him. I have, however, took that as the truth because there’s anything else i can do. But i just feel like he’s put up a massive wall. He doesn’t want to get hurt and i reckon people would talk him out of it if he even considered getting back together with me. I just have a feeling and i’m learning to trust those feelings.

All i can do now is keep moving forward and get on with life. And maybe we’ll meet up some way down the road.

 

I really hope so.

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I’ve had an eventful week to say the least. It’s also probably been the longest and most emotionally draining week I’ve had for a while. Let’s start with the good shall we?

GOOD – Always start with something positive i suppose. This week i went to the gym 3 times, burning at least 1,000 calories each time and went for long walks on the days in between. I’ve been feeling a lot fitter and can definitely see a change in myself. Especially in my legs since i use the bike and treadmill every time i go. I also went into town and bought myself a new top, which looked really good on me.

And i did the unthinkable and went into town with my friend and did a bit of day drinking. It was a positive thing for me because i haven’t done it in well over a year so i was really proud of myself. Unfortunately, my closest friend couldn’t make it so i feel like i couldn’t really enjoy myself as i’m not as close with my other friend. But i still enjoyed it all the same.

 

BAD – Okay, here we go. On the 11th it would have been me and my ex boyfriends 2 year anniversary, if we had stayed together. That day i was in town so i was occupied but it still upset me. I thought about how we might have spent it. In our new wee flat, cuddled on the couch… maybe watching a film. It made me sad because it was a day i was looking forward to the most this year because it would have been our first one together properly living in the same place. But life is funny i guess. Yesterday was a hard day. We spoke on the phone and i explained that i’m struggling with the break up despite doing and having positive changes. I told him i still loved him and he said nothing back to me. Of course it annoyed me but i can’t be mad if he feels different now. I asked him out right if he wanted to be with me again at any point and he said no. It didn’t hurt as much as i thought, i don’t know why. I guess i still think he’s trying to be strong and not say anything to lead me on, i think he does feel the same way. I had asked him to block my number because i can’t handle the fact that sometimes when i contact him he ignores me for days. The conversation ended badly and dramatically. I told him he’d regret saying he didn’t want to be with me and i told him to have a nice life. I regretted it. I asked my mum to text him to ask if he could contact me because i hate leaving things with people on a sour note. He said he would call today… and he hasn’t.

I can’t carry on like this. I put a lot of effort into people and i get nothing back in return. I never thought he would be on that list of people but he is now.

 

LONELY – I was so lonely tonight i went onto an internet chat room. Not for dating or anything, just for talking to people. I lasted 10 minutes. I clicked exit when a guy asked ‘ What kind of guys are you into?’. The Answer? My ex boyfriend, please. I always talk about feeling lonely and feeling like i don’t connect with anyone anymore and it’s still true. I’m fucking miserable. I feel like Rose in Titanic when she tells Jack of feeling like she’s standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of her lungs and no one even looks up. Also, my cousins wifes brother died suddenly the other day. He took a heroin overdose. I didn’t know him personally and had never met him but i was friends with him on facebook. It was lovely to see people posting on his facebook and talking so positively about him and sharing heart warming photos. But it got me thinking, if i disappeared, would anyone care? Obviously people would but i would hate the fakeness of it all. People who knew me for a year and didn’t think i was good enough to stay in touch with talking about that one night out we were out together which resulted in us being facebook friends but never speaking again.

I guess i should be thankful. I’m still here and i’m alive but i do genuinely feel like i’m dead inside. A part of me died when my ex said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. The only person i’ve had such a strong connection with doesn’t even want me around.

 

And to be honest, i’d rather not be here.

Do you miss me?

Do you miss the way we kissed?

Do you miss all the times we spent laughing?

Do you miss the pinky promise we’d do? Not for actual promises but just as a sign of affection  as we sat next to each other.

Do you miss our cuddles as soon as we got into bed?

Do you miss saying something in another room and hearing my wee voice reply?

Do you miss me calling you Boo and Bunny?

Do you miss making a joint and being able to pass it to me as we watched TV?

Do you miss me singing along to the radio while making food in the kitchen?

Do you miss me saying ‘I love you’ after we’ve had sex?

Do you miss my reactions to a new TV show you told me about?

Do you miss coming home after work and talking to me on the phone before bed?

Do you miss us playing video games and being impressed by how good I actually was?

Do you miss the comedy blanket?

Do you miss our private jokes?

Do you miss the way I’d gently stroke your chest hair after making love?

Do you miss calling me Bee?

Do you miss my reactions to seeing cute animals?

Do you miss us?

 

Or was all that blocked out of your head by my insecurities?

I trusted you 100%. I just didn’t like myself very much and I projected that onto you by commenting on other girls looking at you. Because I thought you’d want to be with someone confident. And as your behaviour changed towards me I became more anxious of what was going on. I prayed that you were cheating on me just so I could say that I was right. I didn’t want to accept the fact that you changed because of my self esteem issues.

I still love you.

Do you still love me?