I’m writing more and more lately because I feel it’s my only outlet. If I didn’t do this then I would spend the majority of my days not saying how I felt and talking to myself in my room. I still live at home with my parents and my brother but I can’t really talk to them. My dad wouldn’t understand, my mum listens but her problems always seem worse and my brother just wouldn’t have the patience or understanding. So, WordPress, you’re all I’ve got.

As much as my confidence is growing more every week, it’s not always as simple as it seems. For the past 9 days I’ve cried. I’ve sat in my room by myself and I’ve cried. Sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes for as long as an hour. And yes, I have people around me, so why do I feel so alone? Because I do. I’ve spoken many times before about reaching out to people so I can actually talk to another human being but that hasn’t got me anywhere. I was feeling particularly lonely last night so I messaged a few people. One was online and avoided looking at my message, the second didn’t say very much and I got the vibe that they couldn’t be bothered but the third thankfully text me back and we chatted for about an hour but not about anything of interest.

I only really have two friends. One of them hasn’t said much to me lately and the other one will only tag me in memes on Facebook unless they want to talk about themselves. I wish making friends was as easy as it was when you were four. And the sad thing is that 9 times out of 10 I have to be the one to reach out to people. And no one is checking up on me. I’ve gone from having a great support system (my ex) to falling through a vast and endless black hole of loneliness. And even though I’m struggling I still haven’t given up yet, so I guess you can say I’m strong? In the past I would have been back on dating sites by now and talking to a different guy every week trying to fill the emptiness in my soul with something or anything but I’ve chosen not to do that. Doing that only made me feel worse than better but as I sit here feeling I have no real connection with anyone anymore it is tempting.

Ive also been very unwell lately and it’s been dragging me down. Constant visits to the doctors surgery the past couple of months. Soon to be sent to the hospital for tests to find out what’s going on and do you know what the funny thing is? I really don’t care anymore. I don’t really care what else this year has to throw at me because it can’t get any worse, not in my head anyway. I’ve had to fight against everything that’s been shoved in my way and I’m still here.

I guess I’ll keep on going…

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