Archives for the month of: June, 2017

I’m writing more and more lately because I feel it’s my only outlet. If I didn’t do this then I would spend the majority of my days not saying how I felt and talking to myself in my room. I still live at home with my parents and my brother but I can’t really talk to them. My dad wouldn’t understand, my mum listens but her problems always seem worse and my brother just wouldn’t have the patience or understanding. So, WordPress, you’re all I’ve got.

As much as my confidence is growing more every week, it’s not always as simple as it seems. For the past 9 days I’ve cried. I’ve sat in my room by myself and I’ve cried. Sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes for as long as an hour. And yes, I have people around me, so why do I feel so alone? Because I do. I’ve spoken many times before about reaching out to people so I can actually talk to another human being but that hasn’t got me anywhere. I was feeling particularly lonely last night so I messaged a few people. One was online and avoided looking at my message, the second didn’t say very much and I got the vibe that they couldn’t be bothered but the third thankfully text me back and we chatted for about an hour but not about anything of interest.

I only really have two friends. One of them hasn’t said much to me lately and the other one will only tag me in memes on Facebook unless they want to talk about themselves. I wish making friends was as easy as it was when you were four. And the sad thing is that 9 times out of 10 I have to be the one to reach out to people. And no one is checking up on me. I’ve gone from having a great support system (my ex) to falling through a vast and endless black hole of loneliness. And even though I’m struggling I still haven’t given up yet, so I guess you can say I’m strong? In the past I would have been back on dating sites by now and talking to a different guy every week trying to fill the emptiness in my soul with something or anything but I’ve chosen not to do that. Doing that only made me feel worse than better but as I sit here feeling I have no real connection with anyone anymore it is tempting.

Ive also been very unwell lately and it’s been dragging me down. Constant visits to the doctors surgery the past couple of months. Soon to be sent to the hospital for tests to find out what’s going on and do you know what the funny thing is? I really don’t care anymore. I don’t really care what else this year has to throw at me because it can’t get any worse, not in my head anyway. I’ve had to fight against everything that’s been shoved in my way and I’m still here.

I guess I’ll keep on going…

So today was a small breakthrough for me…

I woke up and my mums cold had gotten worse and I already knew before she said it that she wouldn’t be going to the gym. So I went BY MYSELF!!

I say small breakthrough because I was able to do this by myself before Christmas but obviously because life took a little tumble recently I didn’t think I could do it. I got the bus down and went straight in. 12 minutes on the bike and 18 minutes on the treadmill. I can even run on the treadmill for a little bit. I do short bursts until I burn about 5 calories and then I walk for 10 calories.

Ill be weighing myself next week to see if I’ve lost any weight this month. Even if I haven’t I know I’ve done something right cause my body looks a lot better than It did a couple of months ago. I even went shopping after the gym too! My confidence is really growing and the meditation and relaxation techniques that I’m doing every day is really helping.

The true challenge to my new found confidence will be a night out next month. It won’t be anything big but my cousin will be here and she’s like a size 10 and gorgeous but hey, if she’s with me then no one will be looking at me when they’re too busy looking at her! Hopefully I’ll have more weight off by that point and feeling much better than I am now.

 

Sending good vibes to everyone!

It’s a new low when you’re sat watching Big Brother and you start crying because you realise how lonely you are.

And boy, am I lonely!

It’s weird going from talking to the same person a few times a day every day to absolutely nothing. It’s a strange adjustment. One that I’m still not completely comfortable with. And no offense but… other people just aren’t as fun to talk to. Seriously.

I’ve reached out to people and tried to have a conversation with them and it’s like hitting my head against a brick wall… repeatedly. Even my closest friend isn’t saying much to me lately. And my other friend can be pretty tiring. So my choices are, be annoyed or be alone.

Things with my family aren’t any better. Things are stressful at home and problems with other family members has made me really depressed. They don’t put much effort in to keeping in touch with us.. and they live in the same street!

Truly, the only person that I feel connected to and happy after speaking to is Him. Our conversations just flow so easily and he just gets me… he always did.

But that’s the sad thing isn’t it? We can’t always have what makes us happy.

I hope things pick up soon. It’s draining to feel so disappointed in people all the time.

But in the mean time I’ll continue to better myself and meditate often to clear my head.

 

Here’s to staying strong!

 

 

Nearly 3 months later and I still sometimes cry myself to sleep.

This is the worst I’ve ever felt.

Will the pain ever go away?

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was cry.

I had a dream last night that me and M had been making love and it was amazing. And when I woke up I realised that I can never experience that again so I started to cry.

I never thought I’d feel like this. Guys in the past were easy to get over but maybe that’s because I would start talking to a different guy a few weeks later. I’ve not done that. A friend of mine said to me ‘You need to find someone who will treat you like a princess!’ And I thought; no. What I had was good for me. We both treated each other and that’s what I liked about it.

But here we are. On month 3 of post break up and I still think about him every god damn day. He called me the other day to let me know that his phone hadn’t been working for a while, I had tried to phone him but he didn’t answer so I assumed he was ignoring me, and we had a great talk. And after we hung up I was so happy for the rest of the night. But it shouldn’t be that way, should it? You should hang up and be exactly the same before you answered the call.

I don’t know how he’s feeling and I suspect that I never will. But the feelings I have for him are ridiculously strong. And I am trying my hardest here. I focus on myself, I see my friends more, I’m a lot healthier. I’ve even tried fantasising about other guys but nope… doesn’t work. He’s always there.

Unrequited love?

I did something incredible yesterday. Maybe it wouldn’t be to some but to me it was everything! I had lost so much confidence the last couple of months and I’ve been clawing my way back to being confident.

I’ve been going to the gym 3 times a week and going out for walks on the days in between. And yesterday I finally felt confident enough to… go into town! My mum came with me because there was a shop we wanted to go to. On my way to said shop there was a dip in the pavement and naturally I went over on my ankle, which I always do, and gracefully crashed into a bus stop pole! Luckily it was there or I would have fell flat on my face. All this happened in front of a couple standing outside a shop, which would have embarrassed me but I just laughed it off.

Afterwards, I was going to meet my friend for lunch. And the pub we were meeting in got busier and busier as the day went on but I didn’t let it affect me. And even afterwards crossing the road to my bus stop, I ran for my bus before it drove off. I RAN FOR MY BUS IN TOWN FULL OF PEOPLE! Where has this side of me been hiding?

I’ve been feeling much better lately because I’ve been eating less and working out. I’ve also been reading up on relaxation and meditation techniques. I take a few minutes a day to just sit in silence and shut my eyes and concentrate on breathing. It really helps to clear my head, especially if I’m stressed. Seeing my friends more is also helping. Even if it’s just texting them. It’s nice to know that there is other people in my life who still care about me.

All in all, I’m slowly getting back to normal and maybe even better than before.

 

Just remember to breathe.

Warning: There will be a mention of the most disgusting swear word in this post.

I’ve spoke before about family problems I had been having with my auntie and my grandmother. Well, things have escalated and I know longer think of them as family.

An incident at Christmas has been twisted and my mum was the victim of countless numbers of emotional and verbal abuse from my aunt. After I write this she will never be called that again.

My other auntie surprised us yesterday with a visit from Ireland which was great because she’s great! And we had some other family members from Ireland going to visit my granny at her house. So my mum went down and was surprised to learn that one of my aunties friends was going to be there to meet these family members. My mum was obviously a bit set back because this particular friend was a part of the malicious gossip about my mum. So she did ask why she was going to be there, to which my aunt replied in the most childish manner ‘Because she’s our pal and she’s allowed if we say so.’ Then they started attacking my mum with all the gossip they had heard. (My mum was supposed to have said something about one of their friends. It’s untrue because this particular night I was next to my mum the whole time and she said nothing of the sort). My mum then left without seeing her family members who were visiting and came home.

She sat down and burst into tears and sat with the most hopeless expression on her face. I had enough. I called my aunt and asked her what had happened. And it was like talking to a sulking teenager. She blamed my mum for everything and started shouting, so I raised my voice at her which she didn’t like but I didn’t let up, I kept talking and made valid points over whatever rubbish she was talking. And then she said it. Or roared it down the phone like the big bully she is. “YOU FUCKING WEE CUNT!!” I had carried on talking before I realised that she had hung up on me.

I was shaking, I burst into tears. I’m still shaking now hours after it happened. I’ve never been spoken to like that in my entire life. Not even the people that bullied me for years shouted at me like that.

And now for the big laugh, my aunt then text my mum 30 minutes later saying the relatives had arrived and asked if she wanted to come down. We were absolutely dumbfounded. This was clearly all for show. This shows what a two faced bully she really is. We’ve also said for years that she has some psychological issues that really need to be treated and not just brushed under the carpet.

So that, ladies and gentlemen is why I am one less auntie down.  I now only have one and to be honest, she’s the best one. She’s fun, supportive and kind.

 

 

Never stay tied to family members who belittle and bully you.