Archives for the month of: May, 2017

I know I may be writing way too much right now and I’m sure no one is reading the entries that aren’t tagged so this is more like a therapy for me.

Something I need to vent about is people. People suck. People sucked when I was in a relationship and they suck now that I’m not in one.

I swear, when I got in a relationship I did stop talking to some people but it wasn’t just me. They stopped talking to me too. And now that I’m out of my relationship I tried reconnecting with these people only to find that they are so… dull. They cannot hold a conversation to save their lives. And multiple times this month when I’ve needed them they’re no where to be seen or heard from but as soon as they need me I’m there for them.

One friend needed advice about a girl he likes and who was coming around to his house so I gave advice and we laughed about a few things and it was fine. So I checked in the next day and I was sent the shortest reply ever. Like no conversation at all.

So to be completely honest, I know you’re supposed to keep your friends around when you get a S/O but I’m starting to realise that I haven’t missed anything. All the conversation and all the laughs I could possible ever want or need was right in front of me and now it’s gone.

I’ve been trying the past couple of months, since it all happened, to get in touch with people but they just don’t seem interested and it makes me feel bad. I wasn’t the only one to lose touch with them, they didn’t reach out to me either. So basically what I’ve been doing is reading books, going to the gym and spending the majority of my time with my cat. I literally can’t try any harder with people because I keep hitting a brick wall.

I guess that’s what it’s like to lose your best friend. No wonder I still talk to M. If I didn’t I’d probably lose the plot for real.

The only thing I can feel proud about is that I’ve managed all this stuff by myself. My confidence is growing and I’ve got a plan for losing weight which I will DEFINITELY stick to! I guess I’ve just got to learn how to be alone, I’m okay being alone, it’s better than being disappointed by people over and over again.

When I was about ten I asked my parents if they would play a board game with me but they didn’t seem interested so we didn’t play. Me and my brother had a few board games that were never played because no one wanted to play. Lately I’ve been thinking about that memory and how sad it is. I was a ten year old who just wanted my family to all come together and have fun playing a game but they didn’t want to.

Recently family life has got more and more stressful. Between my brother having autism and severe paranoia to my grandmother and auntie stabbing us all in the back over a dispute with a family friend, I’m feeling more and more isolated from people.

My grandmother and my auntie would always spoil my cousins because their dad wasn’t interested and left my other auntie a single mum. Even though they had everything they could ever want or need. Part of it was probably because they lived in Ireland and they didn’t see them much. But me and my brother would see them every Saturday and we weren’t met with such enthusiasm. I remember going shopping with my younger female cousin and my grandmother, she would always buy my cousin a toy and I didn’t get anything. I guess I didn’t really mind at the time because I had my own toys and didn’t need anymore but it would have been nice to be treated the same. Now with all us grown up, nothing has changed. All my cousins are still treated like the special ones and because my brother has autism and can be quite annoying, my grandmother and auntie don’t have much time for him.

And since my break up I haven’t had the freedom to leave every few weeks for 10 days to get away.  Me and M still talk every now and then but I can’t ask him if I can come and stay because I’m stressed at home, although I really wish I could. That’s part of why I’m so devastated that it didn’t work out. I was nearly gone. Nearly away from all the hostile family members but then it was taken away from me.

I worry for myself. For my own health and sanity and it makes me so upset that it’s my family that is the cause of most of it and there is literally no escape anymore. There’s nowhere I can go. No one I can stay with. I’m worried about what I might do if I can’t get out.

If you’ve not heard of 13 Reasons Why then you’re not on social media much.

I came across it when I logged onto Netflix one day and saw the thumbnail for it. I read the description and I was instantly intrigued and because it’s natural to watch a whole season in a couple of days, that’s exactly what I did. Unfortunately, it was only a couple of weeks after my break up and I was in a very depressive state so it wasn’t the best thing to watch. But now that I’m in a better place I feel better about writing about it.

So, as I said I watched it all within a matter of days and I cried through the whole last episode. I have never been able to relate to something more in my entire life. So many things that Hannah Baker went through, I’ve been in the same position, as a lot of people have I assume. And because of this, I didn’t feel completely alone. Others have gone through similar experiences and felt the same way I have. And most of us have survived it. But what about the others that haven’t?

I read somewhere and I wholeheartedly agree that it should be watched in schools. It needs to be recognised that a single word could set off a domino effect of chaos in someone’s life. The one thing you said to someone on maybe the worst day of their life could be the last straw for them. We need to start teaching young people that it’s not okay to spread rumours about someone. That we need to build each other up not tear each other down. Also, that teachers or guidance counsellors need to do more if a student is having signs of depression or anxiety.

When I was 10 I was having a really difficult time st school. It all started when my best friend started hanging about with the other girls and not talking to me as much. After that I had no one to talk to at school, I was completely alone. I started staying home more and if I had to go into school then I’d come home for lunch, which was handy because I didn’t stay too far away. Even then I tried to tell the teachers that I didn’t feel comfortable in school but they didn’t understand. This carried on into High School which was even worse. It was a bigger school, 10 times bigger than my other school and I had no one to talk to. I eventually left and went to another school with children like me but if I didn’t do that, would I still be here?

After watching the Netflix show I realised it was a book. And while I was away on my short break to Ireland to see my family and try to mend my broken heart (healing process is going okay if you’re wondering) I decided to buy the book. I’ve been reading books non stop since the break up and had them all lined up and 13 Reasons Why was the last one. (For now) And it frustrated me to no end. Hannah could have tried harder to get help, go to a doctor or something for help. I know how she felt though, like she couldn’t turn to anyone and she didn’t want to bother her parents because they were stressed with other things. Oh my god, I can understand that!

Anyway, I don’t want to ramble too much. If you haven’t read the book or watched the show on Netflix then I suggest you do.

Stay strong my bees x

 

I had a dream about him last night.

We were sleeping next to each other and I reached out for him and he cuddled my hand like he always did. And I really could feel him. His hair and his tshirt. His soft beard against my hand.

And then everything got dark. He was scared and then… he was gone. And it was like those scenes in Stranger Things where Joyce knows that Will is alive and she can feel his presence but can’t see him. And I prayed that the fairy lights on my wall would flicker just to tell me that he was there.

And then he was.

He was locked in some kind of basement and I could see him but he wasn’t in my house. We could communicate to each other. And he was in so much distress and he was crying. Frantically looking up trying to find my voice. Trying to find me.

Then he screamed and he was gone again.

And later in the dream I looked out of the window and there was thousands of stars in the sky and they were so bright. The brightest I’ve ever seen. And shooting stars too!

 

I made every wish for him.

I’ve been going over and over everything in my head lately. What could I have done better? What if I hadn’t done that or said this? And even though it is all true. The reason why it’s over isn’t just my fault. I mean, it’s no ones fault really but I want to explain how I felt sometimes during the relationship. I hope you take this into account…

I was always insecure. I always thought he could do better, after having looked at old conversations of ours this happened regularly at the beginning and then thinned out to every few months after that. It never really stopped. I never really woke up one day and thought ‘Wow, you have an amazing boyfriend who loves you and wants you in his life.’ And I’ve been thinking about why I never felt like that. And I’m not here to judge, because people love in different ways but there was a definite change in his behaviour after the first few months.

Now I know there’s the honeymoon period where you literally can’t take your hands off each other and then that fizzles out and the hard work starts. But I don’t think ours really ever started. I would always do cute things like leave cute notes in secret places before I left to travel back home and then text him to look where it was.

I’m not saying he was bad at the romance stuff. Any birthday/Christmas or valentines day gift was so well thought of. No one else would have thought to buy me a crystal growing kit that glows in the dark!! But nothing was spontaneous.

The first few months of our relationship we’d always go to the pub and see people. I loved it! Even though I loved spending time with him it was always great seeing other people. I spent my first Christmas with him that year and we went to a couples house near him for drinks that night. Their kids were about our age so we all had a laugh. But I had been drinking quite a lot that day and I was a bit worse for wear. When we got home I got in a panic thinking there was a girl in the flat. I looked in every room and I must have blacked out or blocked things from my memory because I don’t remember most of what I said or did. He was so upset the next day, I had completely ruined everything and I felt so ashamed beyond words. We talked and fixed it but I swore I would never drink like that again. I’m not a big drinker anyway but that must have been the problem.

After that I noticed whenever I went down that he didn’t want to go to the pub. He said he didn’t feel like it or was skint so I didn’t question straight away. I did ask him a few months later when we still weren’t going out if it was because of me and he gave me the same answer. But whenever I was back home he’d go to the pub. And he said it was because if he didn’t he’d be sat by himself in the flat and that when I was with him he didn’t feel the need to go out. I accepted what he said but it did always make me feel bad. I wanted to see people too.

The next thing I noticed was a lack of affection. A little hugging, barely any kissing or anything. I asked him what was wrong, he told me this had been brought up in every relationship he’d been in. He thought there was something wrong with him. He worked hard at giving me more affection which was so good of him. After that, it was sex. We’d spend three weeks apart and 10 days together and one time we only had sex 3 times. I know what some of you might be thinking, ‘I get less than that a week.’ But you might be together every week. We weren’t. This was an issue for me because everything else in our relationship was good but I knew if we lost the sex and intimacy part then we might as well just be friends. And I never felt confident enough. He’d never compliment my body or say ‘You’re hot’ so most of the time I felt like this big horrible thing. I know he wouldn’t have thought that because he loved my body but I kind of wanted to hear it for myself.

But those were my insecurities and he probably had reasons for all those times. And even though it’s a long shot I wanted to write this because I wanted him to see that there was things that bothered me too but I got over it and realised that we are such a good team and we can get through anything together … can’t we?

And he did put in so much effort in other ways, I’m not saying he didn’t. He’d always call me before, during and after work just to speak to me. Sometimes he’d be late for work because we’d be on Skype. And maybe that was the way he showed me he loved me and if it was then he loved me a lot.

And how I would fucking kill for him to tell me he loves me! We have our own issues and insecurities which led to our behaviour with each other no doubt but I love him.

I know if I was given a chance then things would be different. So different! And probably for the better. We’d see our friends and go out more, even to the park. And we’d talk. We’d talk a lot more than we normally did. And we’d put aside time in front of the computer to make love. We’d work on building trust on both sides. That’s what I would change. But would he be willing?

I love him so much it’s killing me everyday. Why is it when something is taken away from us do we then start appreciating it? Because we take it for granted. I took everything he did for me for granted because I wanted more from him.

Being apart has made me realise that I want to do things for myself. I want to see my friends more, take up a hobby, finally lose this damn weight and focus on being a better version of myself… But… I want him along side of me. I want him, all of him.

Boo? I don’t want to lose my Sailor Ripley…

 

To a quote a line from the Friends theme song; ‘I’ll be there for you.’

Well i must have been abducted by aliens or kidnapped by a travelling circus because my ‘best friend’ hasn’t seen me since my life took a nose dive into the seventh circle of hell.

Yes, i know people have their own lives and work and then have to find time to socialise somewhere in between.

It’s been nearly six weeks since everything happened and she was the first person i phoned. The only person i phoned to be honest. And she was in disbelief and saying how sad it was and if i wanted to hang out and watch bad movies then all i had to do was ask…

I’ve been asking. For the past six weeks. And she’s cancelled on me twice. Or asked to see her boyfriend instead of me.

My anxiety has been awful since everything changed. I was so confident before and now i’m like a dehydrated bee crawling on the ground and wishing someone would come to my aid… or squish me. I’m not fussed at this point. I had asked my friend if she would come to my part of the city, she lives on the other side and we usually meet in the middle, because i’m literally a mess when i get into town. It’s too busy and i start to panic whenever someone looks at me. I even said i would pay her bus fare, which i shouldn’t really have to do. Any friend would be like, ‘Nuh uh, i’ll be there. What time? What dress code? What planet?’ So why isn’t she doing that? 

Normally i would go into a complete rant here but i don’t have the energy. All i know is, if it was the other way around i would be more than accommodating.  You’d think she’d say to her boyfriend, ‘Listen, i’m not gonna see you this week cause i’m gonna go see my best friend. She needs me right now.’ But i guess life isn’t a fairy tale, as i found out this year.

The sad truth is; my best friend is him.

I can’t even call him what he is (ex boyfriend). Because i don’t think that sums up what he was to me. Or still is, i don’t really know. But he is, without a doubt, my best friend. He gives the best advice, we can talk about anything, we like the same TV shows, movies etc. And i guess that’s what makes this so hard. Because what if i can’t have that anymore? Understandably, the romantic relationship is over but i still want everything else.

And no wonder, since my other friend hasn’t even bothered to come and see me and doesn’t ask how i’m getting on.

I really hope i don’t spend too much longer in this depressive state of writing and things start turning around. I’ve had my fair share of grief this year and we’re only in May.

 

Aliens? Please abduct me.