Archives for the month of: April, 2017

Are gut feelings real?

I remember once i was in line for an ATM and i had a gut feeling that i shouldn’t use it but i did anyway – It swallowed my card. So yeah, i guess little things like that happen but what if this isn’t an ATM i’m writing about, what if it’s a person?

I spoke briefly before about my break up but i didn’t talk about the thoughts i had while in the relationship. I had thoughts that we broke up but we were still so madly in love that we got back together. I had been having these thoughts the past few months before everything finally ended. So was my gut feeling trying to tell me that yeah, you’re gonna break up but don’t panic – he loves you and it’ll work out?

I know they say times a healer and you can’t really rush these things but i’ve tried many things to occupy my mind. I rejoined the gym, i started reading more books, i went on a short trip with my mum. I know it’s only been a month but can i just move on already? Can i look into getting the mind wipe thing from Eternal Sunshine? Or am i not meant to move on? I have this gut feeling that everything is going to work out for us. I know this is probably still the denial phase but trust me, i’ve accepted the break up. I know it had to happen because things had came to a point we couldn’t pass. I’ve been through every stage of grief and yet i still think there’s more to this. And yes, i did say it’s only been a month… i know you can’t move on from something in a month but i just don’t think i’m meant to.

I want him to be happy, that’s the most important thing. And if he can’t be happy with me… i mean it’ll hurt like hell but i’ll accept it. And i’m not saying we’re going to get back together this year, or next year. I just have this feeling that we are meant to be together. And my gut feeling is never wrong.

My issue was trust. Every guy i have ever liked or ever dated has always wanted someone better. I was never enough for any of them, not a single one. So when he came along i guess i couldn’t trust it. Plus we were long distance which made everything heightened. My anxiety about it all led me to look at his phone one day. I found nothing – of course i didn’t find anything because he’s the most good hearted soul there is. I came clean about it and this is where it got bad.

His issue was that he was in a mentally abusive relationship prior to meeting me. 4 months before meeting me to be exact. She was a horrible, nasty person who basically kept him on a leash. He thinks that she was constantly on his phone, because it was her phone before she gave it to him, and his facebook to check to see what he was doing. But he didn’t know for sure. He came away from that relationship with multiple anxiety disorders and into a relationship with me, who suffers from anxiety too. I had secured a job in the city he lives 5 days before he broke up with me. I was with him on the day i got the call about the interview, the day of the interview and on the same day i accepted the job. The next day i was coming back home so i left some of my things there since i was coming back anyway, or so i thought. He couldn’t tell me how he felt so instead of talking he let it build up and then spat it out on a skype call.

It ended horribly.

3 weeks later i went out with my mum and my auntie for some drinks where i was hit on by not one but TWO guys! That has never happened to me before… ever! I was so upset about it i text him asking if he wanted to work things out and unbelievably he said YES! He was busy with work the day we planned to talk so we waited for the next day. We had a great chat and a laugh about things and then i brought up about working things out – He thought i meant ‘working things out so we can move forward as friends’. My heart broke again. Because for a whole day i thought we could try and resolve it.

So, yeah, that’s my sad little tale. And even after all that, i have this feeling. And it’s just not the feeling but i want to work at things with him. I want us to battle things together, i know we need this time apart to work on ourselves but what if even after that we still want to be together? I know i would do it, obviously some things would be different but i know he’s stubborn and when he’s made a decision there’s no changing his mind.

 

I guess time will tell.

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They say, “All good things come to those who wait.”

I waited.

But they also say, “All good things must come to an end.”

It ended… or did it?

Are things really over for good? Do things really come to an ending? People would say that, yes they do. When you die everything ends. Everything ends for you but not for the people that you left behind. And while i’m not talking about the death of a person, i am talking about the death of a relationship.

And yes, as i write this i am listening to sad songs to really bring out the depressive state that i’m pushing myself further into. Don’t worry though, i’m okay. And even if i wasn’t, i will be.

I want to write about him.

I know that a few people will be reading this and thinking that i will find love somewhere else because it always comes around. I know that it does. This isn’t about that.

Our relationship ended. It wasn’t bad. No one hurt the other person but obviously no relationship is perfect. We both had our fair share of emotional baggage and if it wasn’t for that i suppose everything would be fine.

If.

It’s only been a few weeks and we’re giving each other space, which is the hardest thing ever. No calls, texts, late night skype calls. Maybe never a friendly hug ever again, who knows. But the thing is, with me and him, our connection was so strong. If we had been friends when we were younger we would still be the best of friends now. That’s how close we are… were? We would sometimes talk about the “What if we broke up?” scenario and we agreed that we would both want to remain friends because we couldn’t imagine our lives without the other in it.

But.

Can people really stay friends after a break up? And if they can’t is it because the other person treated them so badly or is it because they know they’re meant to be together but they’re too afraid to try again?

Time away from him has made me see that he wasn’t perfect. And i wasn’t perfect. And we have some big issues of our own to sort out, separately. But there’s also things i want us to deal with together. I want us to grow together, i want us to become better versions of ourselves, i want to have all the good times and bad times together. I want us to stand together in front of every battle in life, hold hands and charge at it.

Together.

But that’s what i want and If he wants something else then us being Together might never happen.

But things are never really over. Because you think about it when you least expect it. You think about how things might have turned out if you had done something differently or never met someone. And you think that they never think about it. But i bet they do.

 

The End…?