Archives for the month of: July, 2016

The same old questions pop up. Can you trust him? How can you stand to be apart for so long? But don’t you just want to jump into bed with someone else?

In short.

Yes.

It’s difficult but we’re working towards being together and building a life with one another. This is just temporary.

And no. Cause I’m loyal as fuck and there’s no one like him.

Trust me, I was dubious about the whole thing. I had fallen for a couple of guys when I was younger who lived far away and it didn’t work out well…. one had a girlfriend and the other had several girls on his hook (Which wasn’t as big as he thought it was).

But when me and my boyfriend first started talking it felt like I was talking to my best friend. He had only been out of a 2 and a half year relationship for 4 months, which was awful and dragged on for at least a year more than it should have. And I was being fucked about by some guy who told me that I was well on my way to becoming his girlfriend. Uh huh. So we talked and talked for days just by text and then we decided to talk face to face on Skype. The first time didn’t go smoothly because he had trouble with his computer, which I thought was an excuse and I was convinced he was gonna throw me aside like every other guy, but he didn’t. We did Skype for about half an hour but the signal was bad so he called me and we spoke on the phone for 3 hours. He sorted his computer problems and we skyped every night that week. And sometimes all we would do is look at each other and I knew then that I was in love with him. Little did I know but he was in love with me too and had been since our first conversation basically!!

Less than a month later he travelled up to see me with his friends who purposely booked a weekend break where I live just so he could tag along and meet me. And that was it! We’ve been together a year now! And yeah, it’s been tough as hell. There’s a lot of time spent apart and a lot of it spent looking at him on a computer screen but like I said at the beginning, it’s only temporary. I’ll be moving down to be with him by the end of this year, since he has studies and can’t move at the moment, or at the very least the beginning of next year.

It’s difficult for us both because we both have depression and anxiety and sometimes it feels like when one of us is up, the other one is down. But we help each other. We comfort each other. He’s my best friend. My boyfriend. And the absolute love of my life.

I’m writing this to show that long distance love really can work. Because that’s what it takes – A LOT of WORK! The loving each other comes easy and nothing can change that. But working around jobs and social lives to make time to talk to the other person could be challenging. Me and my boyfriend don’t really have social lives cause we’re socially awkward but hey, that’s just us 😛 We’re lucky in a sense because we see each other every few weeks. I don’t know how people who are long distance across oceans handle it. You guys are the true heroes in this situation!

I guess I’ll stop rambling about my boyfriend… for now.

Much love and Have fun 🙂 x

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My brother, like most peoples brothers or sisters, is annoying as hell.

Sure, sometimes we fight. Even less so now that we’re in our twenties. And his constant chatter about politics and goings on in the world drives me mad.

But I love him.

Not just because he’s my brother and I have to but because I genuinely do. He’s incredibly smart and knows how to build computers were as I can barely switch one on. He loves to play video games, as most guys do, and he enjoys being out in his garden planting flowers and mowing the grass.

My brother has autism.

He’s turning 27 this year and he needs constant care from my mum. He’s not high on the autism spectrum but he has mental health issues on top of that. Depression, anxiety and extreme paranoia.

Ever since I was younger I’ve had to stick up for him because people didn’t understand. They always thought he was a trouble maker. Being a young boy, he probably was but most of what they didn’t understand was his autism. Like most people my brother doesn’t understand when a stranger is joking. He didn’t fully understand sarcasm until he was about 24 and even now he might not. With me and other family members he will understand if we’re joking because we make it obvious enough for him to understand.

Now, I don’t want to bash any family members here but I am just so downright angry with them and I’m really writing this to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.

A family friend made a comment about my brothers parking, his car is his pride and joy, and this woman claimed to be joking. I know this woman very well and she doesn’t have a nice thing to say about anyone. She will say things in a funny and jokey manner but we all know she’s being serious. So when she said this ‘joke’ my brother took it seriously, judging by the look on her face. He then decided to confront her and told her to not speak to him like that to which he got a ‘Fuck off’ and a door in his face. My brother also told her where to go. This woman’s brother then told my brother not to speak to HER like that.

This woman is very close to my grandmother and auntie who live down the street from us and she was quick to call them to let them know what happened, instead of speaking to my mum who is my brothers carer. My mum, later that night, tried speaking to my grandmother about the situation but was told that ‘you are all mad’ so my mum hung up the phone. The next day my brother tried speaking to my grandmother and auntie about it and they said ‘We don’t want to talk about it.’

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this.

So, naturally, like anyone would, my brother got hot tempered and started shouting. And yes, he did name call but he was so angry that his own family wouldn’t listen to him. I would be too, show me someone who wouldn’t! And since then he hasn’t been allowed down to their house. They told my mum they would need a few weeks for things to cool down…

Seven weeks later…

Still no change. They haven’t even asked how my brother is and anytime we mention him it’s quickly moved onto a different subject or goes completely silent. I’m just so disgusted and heart broken for my brother. He only has one friend, and that is a man who used to be his befriender with an autism programme. When the man finished the programme and went onto other things he still saw my brother. And he still does to this day even though he has a son and wife with another baby on the way. This man shows my brother more respect and courtesy than his own family.

I’m not looking for advice on how to deal with my family but if there is anyone out there who has experienced this. Please contact me. I want to know if anyone has had family that’s done this to them and how you’ve handled it.

 

Many thanks for reading.

Much love and Have fun 🙂 x

I’ve not always been fat, at least I didn’t think so until I saw photos of my younger self recently and I realised I was definitely a lot chubbier than most kids. But I wasn’t unhealthy or inactive. I was always running about and playing outside with friends. Playing games, rollerblading, going to the park, riding my bike etc. If I did ever eat unhealthily it was with the £1 I was given by my mum to go to the shops.

When I was ten things started to change in school. I had one best friend at school but no one at my school lived nearby so I had different friends at home. When I was ten my best friend started to change and she wanted to hang about with the other girls and talk about boys and make up and girly things. I was very much a tomboy and I liked films and playing games but they didn’t. Because I lost my best friend I just followed the other girls about. They would walk in a line next to one another and I would trail behind. It was absolutely awful. And because of this I started missing school. I hated it. I didn’t mind the work because I was quite a smart kid but feeling invisible every day made me feel sick. The teachers didn’t really care. I tried to explain to them how I felt and they didn’t understand or even try to help me out. This obviously followed me into High school.

With every year I got bigger because people were making fun of me and I was spending too much time on my own. We also moved house a year later and instead of being ignored I was thrown to lions because where we moved to was full of people who loved to make fun of my size and shout at me from moving cars calling me ‘Fat’. Like I didn’t already know…

Despite all this I made great new friends and even got myself my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. But I was getting bigger all the time. I was taken to dieticians and people in hospitals who made me feel terrible about my size. All this while still not going to school and getting home schooled once a week. The whole time I didn’t even know but I had depression. I self harmed and I cried all the time but I wasn’t given any help. If anything, I was a pain and people didn’t have time for me.

Skipping to the age of 23 and things are pretty much the same. I’m extremely overweight even having dropped 3 stone. I had lost 4 stone 5 but put some back on. I’m currently at slimming world but my weight has been so up and down the past year I don’t think it’s helping and at £5 a week I don’t think it’s worth it anymore. After speaking to my boyfriend and my mum I’ve decided that I’m going to ask the doctor for help. I don’t want surgery or a gastric band or any of that rubbish, I just want help. I want someone to write me out a plan to give me structure and routine and to tell me what I can and can’t eat on certain days. If only I could pay someone to live in my house and tell me to get my shoes on cause we’re going out for a walk. One can dream.

I tried so hard before dieting to be ‘body positive’ and it just didn’t work for me since I don’t like my body. I couldn’t lie to myself no matter how hard I tried. I envy the girls that can do it. I loved the idea of it but the more I saw these girls photos and even spoke to some of them, I realised that I wasn’t happy. When I walk down the street the girl I see inside my head and what I think others see isn’t what I look like right now. But I know one day it will be.

I think I’ve just reached that age where I want this weight off now. I want to be able to look at myself and actually like what I see instead of trying to be optimistic. I want to go into a clothes store and try things on without wanting to burst into tears. I want to, at some point, start a family and actually be fit enough to look after them. I would love to play with my children and run about with them instead of being the unfit parent who sits on the bench and watches.

I know it will be a long road and considering my age, it’ll be pretty much up and down from now on and I’m willing to live with that. I just want a massive chunk of weight off my body and I’ll decide what to do from there.

Thanks to anyone who has read this.

Much love and have fun 🙂 x